Me and My Krazy

Figlet asked about Krazy. Everybody has one. So what's your's, she asked.


Hmmm. Probably that I find this an interesting task... Yes, to spend hours thinking of exactly what my Krazy is. I like it when people ask me about myself. heh :)

I'm very private (to the point of social anxiety on occasion), but I like talking about myself. Go figure! I love filling out surveys, but then I'm too privacy-conscious to actually send them in. Of course, that's why I have a blog! Ha ha ha! It makes no sense at all.

I am very picky about my private space. I like having people over, but after a few hours, I need them to go home and leave me alone. I like my friends, but in manageable doses. And please don't touch me unless we have mutually agreed upon a hugging relationship. Don't hang on my arm or--god forbid!--pet my hair, or I will snarl at you.

I am super sensitive to any and all stimulus. Light, sound, touch, temperature, texture, scent, flavor, conversation. I thrive on the stimulation, and then it gets too much and I ask them to all go home. haha

I like finding things at thriftshops or rescuing old things. I like semi-antiques, things with character. In fact, as a former artist, I am always collecting bits of paper or design, scraps of color, cool little things. I do things like take pictures of interesting light effects and write down things stories about things that happen. Meanwhile, I am fighting the other direction, trying to purge all the junk I end up collecting. It's that whole love-hate of stimulus thing. I think as I get older, I am streamlining what I keep, and thank goodness for that.

I get a little obsessive about topics that interest me, and spend a lot of time reading and doing research (hellooo China) and learning stuff and marveling about how interesting it all is. Some people find it weird to enthuse and learn stuff. I think it's normal.

Oh, and I have this thing about being considerate, although it may not be obvious from the way I grouse about other people. I am sensitive to feelings and nuances. I notice when other people are trying to cross the street or to get by or to make nice, OR feeling overwhelmed, and I'm scandalized when other people are oblivious to that and don't respond. It feels so rude to ignore those subtle signals. Nevermind that others sometimes don't even notice! :) It's just an internal standard of how to "do right" by other people. Of course, there can be a fine line between being considerate versus being a doormat. Being subjected to any attempted manipulation reeeeally pisses me off.

Oh, and then there's ice cream. Mmm, ice cream.

(crossposted to Figlet)

I found a neat Chinese Culture website by the University of Washington that's very friendly to the beginner to Chinese culture. They call it "A Visual Sourcebook for Chinese Civilization."

http://depts.washington.edu/chinaciv/contents.htm

The website has an array of topic headings, and each branches off into related aspects, yet the presentation of information is not overwhelming. It gives examples and leads you to compare and contrast and notice pertinent details. Really cool. I am always tucking away cultural ideas to share with my daughter so that she is more familiar with Chinese concepts and values, as well as it being part of my own cultural education.

I spent some time under Buddhism, mostly looking at the symbols used in historical art. Now I can discern the differences between images of the Buddha, Bodhisattvas who are enlightened, compassionate beings devoted to saving suffering beings in the world, Gods of Strength who fight evil forces in the world, and Apsaras or heavenly beings, looking much like angles to western eyes. Also, I learned a little about Guan Yin, the Chinese Goddess of Mercy, and about how these depictions changed historically over time. Yes, I am an art geek. :)

Under urban temples, the website gives us a tour of the Fayuan Temple in Beijing. To paraphrase from the website, it was first completed in the late 7th century during the Tang. Over the centuries it has endured destruction by fire, earthquake and war, and has been rebuilt as often. It is still in use today.
http://depts.washington.edu/chinaciv/bud/5temwood.htm

I've also perused maps & geography. I'm starting to learn more.
http://depts.washington.edu/chinaciv/geo/land.htm

The clothing section is also quite interesting. In includes a picture of Mao as a handsome young man. Who knew! :) No doubt the charisma was evident early.
http://depts.washington.edu/chinaciv/clothing/clotweb.htm

The section on gardens is also pretty cool. I have not read all of it yet, but I enjoyed this photo tour of the Garden of the Master of Nets in Suzhou, Jiangsu province, a "Chinese scholar's garden."
http://depts.washington.edu/chinaciv/home/3wangshy.htm

The website notes that this garden is "one of the smallest (at little more than one acre) yet considered one of the best designed and most elegant of the private gardens still extant."


This is really whetting my appetite to see China!

The other week I saw one of those travel sections in the Sunday paper talking about China. I was struck by the desire to go to China just to see it! That would be so cool! Not like we have the money to go galavanting about overseas right now, but wouldn't it be lovely? I really like the idea of seeing China both before and after we receive our daughter.

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On another note, I ran into a man with two young Chinese daughters in the library the other day. Awwww. No, I didn't stare, but I was sooo jealous. :) I don't think we'll be able to have a second daughter, the wait being as arduous as it is. Um, is it too soon to apply for a second child before we get the first? hehe I am only half joking. I think we can start the process, but can't resubmit until our first has been home a year.


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On another note, there was a Chinese woman in one of my classes recently. I was really very curious to get to know her, but a little shy about it. I want to know more (More what? I dunno, how people relate, what her life has been like as an immigrant the last couple decades... ), but I know it's too much to ask someone to be the representative cultural expert. She seemed like an interesting person (not merely because of her Chinese-ness). I'm worried about making mistakes and inadvertently offending someone, but then, I am shy enough about meeting other people of my own home culture!

On the other hand, this class was talking about multi-cultural values and issues and indeed only half of the people in class were American-born! Hey, if I can talk to the Brazilians, I can certainly talk to the Chinese. :) We did chat a little during the get-to-know-you part of the session. Also, I'm always interested to meet people from other cultures, so maybe if I see her again, I will talk to her more.

I see these kind of cultural opportunities all over the place. Some cost money, others just time and personal perseverance, not to mention the humility to consider another culture with all its core differences. And when getting to know a person, the need to consider each person as an individual and not merely as the classic representative of their culture and any attendant stereotypes (the big no-no in the multi-cultural world). I don't want to be a Chinese culture collector (or as Lindsey would say, a hoarder); I just want to gain a better perspective. But yeah, I am also intrigued.

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Favorite Distractions and Meta Blogging

I hardly know what to do with myself recently. Not that *that* is especailly uncommon, but I have a lot knocking around in my head.

I'm not doing that great in either of my classes, although I enjoy them. Sometimes the amount of information is overwhelming. I can see how it all fits together, and I can relate to that feeling of flying when it all comes together, but I'm not there yet, myself. I can do it in my other work, and I love it. In this new area, I'm still trying to get up to speed, or at least out of 2nd gear.

I sometimes take a long time to really get comfortable with new information. I currently feel I am being thrown into an amorphous situation in which I am asked to do more than I can figure out. Or rather, without more concrete parameters. I'm sure many people in a similar situation would have no idea what I am talking about! However, for me, my need for clear organization (and wanting to get it right) is really slowing me down. For example, being asked to come up with a lesson plan for some abstract class is just killing me. I brainstorm and come up with enough information to make 5 different levels! Yet I then have a hard time "deciding" what to program for because I don't have an actual class to work with and try things out on (unlike in my other work).

I am thinking to throw myself into a volunteer opportunity to make things more concrete for me. I actually learn better by *doing*, but I need the space to do something without my performance being explicitly judged, because then I just freeze up and don't want to risk exposing myself as imperfect.... *sigh* It's an unfortunate inheritance from my perfectionist parents!

So there's a volunteer opportunity which --on top of classes and all--would max out my weekday evenings for the next several months. But! I'm excited about it, too. I can learn only so much in my classes. I need real people to work with. I am trying to push myself to make progress here.... *ugh* So it's not my best situation, although I love the variety of other students in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've been distracted by other things.

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It's only another few weeks before we go on our big backpacking trip. Without going into identifying details--hehe :) --I can say it's probably a once-in-a-lifetime event. We will certainly go backpacking again, but this particular trip takes so much effort--physical, financial, investment of preparation and time--that it may not happen again in the next decade if ever...

Anyhoo, my sister and I have been training for this the last several months. She's more out of shape and the least-experienced of any of us, so I have been working to help her become acclimated to the back-packing experience. It's actually been fun. Tonight or this evening, she, my Dad and I all went out for a hike together before dusk, while M stayed home and worked on his ever-present pile of work.

Today I remembered to bring our bathroom scale so we could all check the weight on our packs. We were all at about 30-35 lbs. That's 10 lbs. more than I want to carry on the trail, but tonight I had both our new tent and the new sleeping bag, when in practice, my husband carries the bags and cooking gear, and I carry the tent and extra fleece clothing. So when I first put the pack on tonight, I was like--OMG! But after 10 minutes of walking, my body adjusted enough that I forgot all about how heavy it was. I love it how my body does that. That adjustment happens every time I backpack. Then when I put on the pack, my body almost welcomes it. The pack is well broken in, so it rides comfortably and it's a familiar load... Even the usual hip bruises feel familiar.

Honestly, I feel pretty good. I've been carrying various weight loads for various miles throughout training. I don't feel achy afterwards or the next day. Tired, yes, and maybe a little sore in the feet or hips (sometimes shoulders, but the hips carry most of the weight), but achy and painful... eh, not really. In fact, I recently feel somehow "lighter" and physically more "alert" and lively. It's hard to describe, but I notice it now.

And on a similar note, I noticed this week that --amazingly enough -- my belly is getting smaller and my thighs are getting slimmer. I thought I was imagining things at first. M has been very encouraging. He reminds me that he also has to work, work, work for a while on his fitness without any apparent change, and then all of a sudden, things look and feel different.

I would love to get back to my college weight, back from when I could eat anything and still look like my cute skinny self (haha!). I'm assuming that won't happen, seeing as I really love my little truck, but I'm starting to dream that I'll get away from my relatively sedentary self I've become. Now that I'm not sitting in front of the computer for 12 hours a day and all that...

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I'm also still distracted by my current work/love. I just love, love, love it! It's unfortunately virtually impossible to scrape together a living at it (and/or without traveling way more than I want to be away from home and M), but I still love it. I love helping people and helping them accomplish things while having fun. But meanwhile, when I try to work on other projects, it's calling me subliminally! I'm always looking at new material or practicing another presentation or looking for new gigs to undertake... And there is always more to learn and improve and/or speculate with my similarly-minded geek friends! So it's an perpetual distraction! :)


I also love my list of blog reads. I know, I don't have anything up on the blog. I had some once upon a time, and when I switched blogger accounts, that all went away, and I've been too lazy to even try to recreate it! But I have a great list of blogs and sites that I check in with daily, weekly or periodically. It's fun to run across people who write well, humorously and authentically and who make me laugh and make me think, inspire me and sometimes provoke me. I like sharing the small slice of their life and thoughts that they put out there for the rest of us. I like being exposed to different viewpoints, even if sometimes totally new and potentially uncomfortable. I read from other adoptive moms and dads, birth mothers, bloggers from various identities and life experiences. It gives me a lot to think about and process. On some issues such as birth and identity politics, I don't force myself to even decide what I think; I let things percolate for a while. Sometimes I read for sheer unproductive entertainment value, because somebody is just too funny. I feel for people undergoing challenging and painful times; I've been there myself at various times.

Recently, I've been searching for new readings, new finds. I go exploring and see who's out there. I put some new links in my bookmarks and try them out for a while. Some of them turn into keepers and favorites. I try to comment periodically, if I feel like I have something--anything!--worth saying!

I've lucked into a good streak of finding neat and interesting women bloggers recently. Most of them do not have one particular issue or topic that they fixate on (not that there's anything wrong with that! :)) but write about their lives with, of course, their predominant interests. I bask in their writing. ... Hmm I wonder if I need more women friends of this nature... I mean, more friends IRL (in real life).

... I've also been thinking about blogging and how some people manage to let a lot of their lives hang out--not in a bad way, but letting us see more of them. I always struggle with that because I am both expressive and private. I want to spill it all and then constantly rein myself back in. Haha! You can imagine my internal dialogues when I blog. So far, I've been blogging mostly about our adoption process. The blog has been a place to vent, or to note aggravations and triumphs along the way since it's so frustrating to try to talk to friends IRL about much of this.

I have been so inspired by some recent bloggers that I want to try talking more outside the adoption box. So I'm trying out the idea of revealing more of myself without outing my identity on the internet. To be more authentic and more multi-dimentional. Yeah, good luck with that, I tell myself. :) Well, it's a start. Thanks for listening.

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Nearly Fall And All That Paperwork

Long time no blog. I've been busy, and obsessed with other things. Also, I've been somewhat discouraged by reports that the wait times in China are slowing down so much. Ack. I have been readjusting my expectations, but not happily. 2 years, plus. okay... I might have been less enthused about China if I had been aware of this before we'd sunk so munch money into the process, but we feel pained at giving up our dream of a little girl from China, so... we move onward.

Well, we have completed the homestudy visits. It wasn't bad. They kept encouraging us to eat dinner while we talked, to the degree that we started to feel that they wanted to *watch* us eat dinner to see what we would do! Ok, so we ate dinner! I was picking basil out of the garden for pesto when the social worker came up. I made pesto and tossed it with pasta and vegetables. Yes! Let me show off my womanly homemaking skills! lolol Too funny.

We did clean house, but we didn't get to clearing the baby's room (which we keep calling something else from its earlier days). I decided to just not worry about being super neat. Let's be realistic, here; we are not all that neat. The social worker just laughed when she saw the room. "Where are you going to put all this?" Sell, reorganize, redistribute. Worse case, we'll put it in the basement. She didn't even seem to notice the various annoying flaws of our old house. OK, we have no known hazards in the house. :) Plumbing functional, not too many dust mice it the house, etc.

But we haven't gotten word that the draft is back as expected. I am just assuming that if there was anything they objected to that she would have told us... Maybe that is an erroneous assumption. Maybe they would route a rejection through the agency. God! Something else to worry about! After I blabbed at boring length about my childhood and relations with my family, sisters, etc, I started to feel rather overexposed. Again, oh well! It's over and done, so I try to not waste energy worrying about it.

But in better news, we finally got our appointment to get fingerprinted in the big city next month. It's on an inopportune day for a variety of reasons, but I am glad my husband has proclaimed it a priority. Yes! We will go and do the thing!

Since my trip to New England last month, I have been immersed in other things. It's been hard to get my head back into the process. Just today, my husband asked what else we needed to do to progress with the paperwork. I had been wondering just how fast we would be progressing if I wasn't taking charge of so much of the organization, so I was gratified that he had started to be more present to the process. So we reviewed our list of items and tasks to complete, and he is motivated to work on the things within his range. It's more motivation for me, too, to restart tracking down all the little details. Oy! How this drags on!

On the other hand, we have time to do things like learn Chinese Mandarin. I was teaching some of what I know to M tonight on our walk. I am actually really happy that he is interested. After grades are in, he wants to look at books on China and adopting, etc. I am currently compiling to a list of books I want to read on adoption, parenting, transracial adopting, all of that. I don't want to have to buy them all (not wanting to spend money like we have gobs of it), but some of them might be worth it. Hopefully I can track down some of them in the library. Not that I want my name attached to records on this topic. (Hellooo record-trackers!) But again, oh well.

I have also been finding and reading yet more blogs on a variety of related topics. So much good writing out there! Maybe someday I will get my act together (and conquor shyness) to provide linkies to some of the blogs I most enjoy and admire.

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One weird story recently -- somebody at my sister's church had terrible news about a local family who had just internationally adopted two children, then ran into some tragic health news. That is just stunning enough, but my sister was thinking, well, what if they needed to give up their children? (She thought of us as possible parents to "step in" and be new parents. !! Ack!!) She was obliquely feeling them out on this idea. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the tragedy of the situation, much less even considering taking on their children! The last thing I want to do is snatch some poor people's babies away from them! Plus, if there were a real need, they would have already designated guardians. That's why they have the guardianship requirement, afterall.

Oh my God. I'm feeling rather embarassed that she would pursue this line of thought. I'm so glad we don't know this person however distantly. I can't honestly imagine that a parent would ever give up their new babies, and how awful for the babies, too! I would not want to "benefit" from somebody else's tragedy. ... Although, how far removed is it from the whole adoption scenario? Baby is abandoned, adoptive parents step in. I have mixed, mosly sad feelings about that too. I guess if there has to be sadness and grief, it's at least one positive step to have a stable loving home at the end of it. But it doesn't take away the grief of it.

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Ni hau ma? Wau hen hau, xia, xia.

My Mom says: maybe she is being conceived soon. But I say: No, she will be conceived next year. And then I have to wait for my baby to be abandoned by her first mother. How sad is that? Waiting for sadness, waiting for happiness. I want to wrap her up and cuddle her and keep her safe, to make her know how beautiful and special she is and that we will always love and cherish her. That we will never leave her. Who do I send this message to now? Some anonymous mother-to-be who will not want to keep her baby. I want to say: I'm so sorry. And: we will keep her safe.

Wau-duh bao bao. My treasure.