Books and Other Thoughts, August 2007

I have loads of random mis-matched snippets, m'dears. Bite-sized, fun-sized. (Have I been reading too much mimi smartypants? Why, yes I have! hehe :))

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I recently made an effort to list the adoption- , attachment-, learning- and China-related books I have been wanting to read. That's partly because there are SO MANY that I cannot keep them all straight in my head long enough to find them. So when I read good reviews (eg several useful reviews from Rumor Queen recently), I write 'em down. And given that I would like to stretch our dollars to maximum effect (and not just buy everything in sight), I have started looking for titles at our local library first. I was somehow surprized that they actually have many of the titles I am looking for! I requested one book and found a couple others.

Two adoption/identity-related books I've started reading:

In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories by Rita J. Simon and Rhonda M. Roorda. and

Inside Transracial Adoption: Strength-based, culture-sensitizing parent strategies for inter-country or domestic adoptive families that don't "match" by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall

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ITOV consists mostly of a series of in-depth telephone interviews with transracial adoptees (I guess that's the term) about their experiences growing up and addressing their cultural and racial identity. As I work my way through the book, I periodically find a statement that hits me as good-advice-to-remember, and want to write it down. I started a file to collect some of these, but it quickly became tedious. I wanted to absorb the stories, not just take text-book notes. :) Maybe later.

The interviews are quite interesting. So far, most of the stories have been of racially-black or mixed children. There should be some of Asian children, but I haven't seen them yet.

One core idea that screams out is how important it is for the adoptive parents to make a *conscious effort* to expose their child to their birth culture in order that they have a smoother path to a coherant self-identity. Simply raising the child as if they were "white like them" typically leads to pain and confusion. :(

At least one story is very sad for the lack of cultural support which contributes heavily to the child's alienation from both her home and birth cultures. But it's also true that this same child lived in a small town in the midwest (Indiana or Illinois) where I know from my own experience (!!) is often NOT conducive to open discussion of uncomfortable topics! Witness my own in-laws who try to ignore uncomfortable or merely unusual situations out of existance!
So this poor child is both still quite young and Mid-Western, still trying to find her way and be accepted by *somebody*, in prime condition to be sucked into a cult or other abusive organization... Her attempts thus far to connect with her own racial/cultural identity have been met with both subtle and frank disapproval and discomfort from her parents... and some derision from others of her racial group for her awkwardness. So at the time of the interview, she was going to college (persisting although neither parent had gone to college themselves), and trying to make opportunities for herself. She seems to be fighting an uphill battle for her core self, not the least of which is needing to learn to push ahead despite her parents' need to push her down so that she doesn't make them uncomfortable. (! My God, I am not even kidding.) I'm inclined to think that, although her parents had fostered dozens of foster kids of various ethnicities over the years, that they were the wrong people to actually adopt a minority-race baby... :(

That one is sad. But there are other stories that are rather inspiring, in terms of how the parents being open, frank, and giving their child ample exposure to their birth race/culture. Those parents who make a strong consistent effort to clearly and openly address identity seem to raise self-confident and happy children... Quite interesting.

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ITRA is also quite interesting! In fact, as soon as I picked it up to skim it and peruse the table of contents, I became convinced that I would have to buy this in the future. It looks like it has very practical strategies for helping ones child and family keep up with the issues of families with "unmatched" ethnic identities.

One thing I have learned already (from skimming), is that if someone is rude towards or prejudiced against one's child or family, the first important thing is to take care of your child's needs *first*, rather than trying to respond to the rude person. It may be that the person does not get a response, but the family provides a united front of solidarity.

At the same time, it is also vitally important to not tolerate ANY instance of racism or subtle racist attitude to create the supportive environment for your child(ren). If somebody is making a hurtful or thoughtlessly racist remark, jokingly or merely offhandedly, call them on it! Respectfully and straightforwardly, but firmly. I'm sure I'll have some quotes later...

The book acknowledges the balance the parents must strike encouraging both bonding/attachment and differentiation. Lots of interesting, very practical, things to think about. I'll write more about my impressions as I read deeper, but even at this superficial level, I am very impressed with this book. Looks like one for our own library.

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We've been slowly de-cluttering in preparation for serious baby-proofing the house. And just in time, Clutter Girl has some useful and inspiring Babyproofing Reviews here: (Updated to show URL. Sorry about that.)

http://cluttergirl.typepad.com/founding_a_family_in_clut/2007/08/babyproofing-re.html

Many cool items I will no doubt acquire eventually. Things I had never even thought of needing, like fridge and toilet locks! I probably need to start a list of *that* too, items needed/wanted, so that I can space them out and avoid killing our budget.


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On the decluttering side, I've been greatly enjoying FLYlady's website and email services. I can't rave enough about her! Some of her sayings:

Progress, not perfection.

Housework done imperfectly will still bless your family.

You can do anything for 15 minutes.

You are not behind! Jump in where you are!


hee hee! It's like being in training to be an efficient parent. At least, that's how I'm thinking of it. A chance to develop better habits and routines so that we don't descend into complete and utter chaos (or CHAOS) once our daughter arrives. Yeah, not complete and utter chaos, just minor sleepless chaos. :)

So far, I have inspired one friend and one sister, and inspired even my *husband* (!!!) to build better care-taking routines. Abso-luely-freakin-amazing, that. :) I am still taking baby steps with it, so even if I backslide a little, I still have a core set of routines that help keep me going until I can jump back in.

I can't convince you if you are not in the place to appreciate her warm wisdom. But it you *are* interested in a fun and supportive system for housework and life, check it out. :) Cool stuff for SHEs (Side-tracked Home Executives) like myself. And more fun than you would expect...


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Oh yes.

I think I said that I have started joining all kinds of LID and agency groups.

I am staying relatively quiet until I figure out if/when I have something to ask/say. Or until/if there is any topic of interest to read about... But I almost always see a few waiting PAPs (potential adoptive parents) speculating about the wait times, but *frequently* being clueless about the wait situation, sometimes spectacularly so. There are too too many PAPs for which the mere thought of a 3+ year wait is shocking news. :(

I am somehow shocked that some PAPs are just now getting wind of the wait times. And I am disgusted to hear that some agencies are still telling people in my LID month that they can expect to be home by something like the end of 2008!!! Which is just insanely unlikely. It would take a miracle for things to speed up to that degree. 'Taint likely. And hugely unfair to the families who are still expecting 18-22 months. :(

So I haven't decided how, if at all, to break current "news" to such uninformed (rather, mis-informed) PAPs. While I think about it (and laugh somewhat bitterly about their naivety), someone else steps in and does the brave deed of informing them of the true situation. :( How hard and unbelievable it must be to get smacked with this information all at once. We at least were disappointed gradually. We have had time to adjust our expectations.

If I had not found info on the web but relied only on my agency to tell me accurate expectations, I'd be at some point angrily disappointed. I know the agencies want to put a good face on it, but geez. I don't see how they can avoid hoards of angry clients as the sh*t starts hitting the fan more publicly.

I know this is long and disgruntled, but all I wanted to say is--there are still people who have not gotten the secret memo. :( And I have mixed feelings about seeing that. It's like a train wreck. I wince, but I can't quite look away.


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On a completely different note, I have been recently reading about some people undertaking the massive project of "ripping" their music CDs to digital storage. I am not ready to join to MP3 / iP0d crowd (I like listening to speakers that are *not* stuck in my ears, thank you), but I can see it coming. CDs are on their way to being *gasp* obsolete! Reading some of this recently (people converting vast collections into various mediums and storages, trying to figure what to do with the cases and liner notes with attendant imagery), I experienced a shiver of foreshadowing.

Yes, I still have stacks and stacks of cassette tapes that I rarely ever listen to any more (unless I am traveling). Yes, I still have record albums that I can't listen to any more for excess of dust and lack of turntable.

So I have already experienced the frustration of having things go obsolete and/or madly transferring audio and visual data onto ever-improving/changing storage systems. I have already run through the sequence of big 5" floppy to small 3.5" floppy, to zip discs to CDs to external storage to thumbdrives to... ? So I suddenly realized that someday my CD collection will be obsolete and thus neglected! Nooooo...

I remember buying my first two CDs ever: the Beatles' Sergeant Pepper's album as a gift for my then-boyfriend and Paul Simon's Graceland album for myself. Heck, I remember the first LP I ever bought (that's a long-playing record for you young whipper-snappers), which was The Best of The Eagles. Which I now have on CD. (heh) Where will it end????

Although I tend to run ahead of the curve on numerous societal trends, I adopt new popular technology mostly kicking and screaming, or at least groaning and complaining. I am not looking forward to the eventual conversion. *sigh*

Meanwhile, I'll enjoy my current fab music CD collection. Life is good. :) And no, it's not the cliche.

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