Friends after IF

I've been contemplating my friend situation... I am thinking that IF does change you, changes the relationships around you. So I have "moved on" to adoption, but that pain still does not leave. And more shockingly, my friends still have the power to hurt me with thoughtlessness. And even after IF! Even after adoption! It's crazy. Some of the very people we had write reference letters for us are floating away. Are we pushing them away? Are we doing something wrong? I don't know. I do notice being surprised with hurt that some of these same people who I somehow thought I could trust with my innermost vunerabilities are in fact rather careless about them. I somehow thought that if they passed the test of being entrusted with this important task, that they would not go clod-hopping around on my bruised heart. Boy, have I been rudely surprised.

Well, and the other so-called friends too. I did not notice so much earlier how my IF experiences had changed my whole idea of what it meant to be a kind person, or a gracious and sensitive person. Or even a person with whom I would be comfortable having an extended personal conversation with. But I find myself avoiding people who have been thoughtless to me. It's not so much avoiding as cutting out. it takes a lot for me to cut somebody out, but several people have crossed over the line. One woman still really wants to be my friend, and I cannot bring myself to tell her that she hurt me deeply by being so cavalier about my TTC, and therefor I don't want to spent time with her. Ever. Maybe it's harder with the more casual friends or acquaintances -- they are close enough that you might risk sharing personal news with them, but not so close to tell them how you feel, really. So it's hard to call them on the carpet with any sense of dignity. I don't want to make anyone feel defensive, but mostly because I can't stand the thought of having to mop up emotionally after her... So... I avoid because I don't know how to say *you hurt me a lot* without opening myself up to further vunerabilites. As if, if I have to admit it, then it's even more revealing. If I have to *have a discussion about my feelings* then I have to bare myself further, and I don't trust her to treat me gently.

With friends at any level, IF and other personal traumas introduces a new level of gambling into personal interactions. I have to judge whether someone is trustworthy enough to hear sensitive information and respond well. It's almost a test. *Will they make the right choice?* I end up testing everybody-- are they worthy of this information? Is my need to share greater than their ability to hear it? What if I guess wrong and they flunk the test? I can stop talking to them about IF or other personal issues, but then the issue is out there, still. I can't put it back in the bag once it's shared, and I end up being a sitting duck for assvice of all irritating sorts. I'm sad because many of who I thought were my friends have flunked that test and have acted in thoughtless ways. Even one friend who is hurt, yes, hurt, that I don't share more of my personal life with her, has said and done hurtful things... Just little thoughtless remarks or actions, and for that matter, acted in ways that do not inspire confidence.... being critical over the least little thing, for instance, so that I end up feeling like I'm being asked to justify any course of action. It's wearing. I still value her greatly as a friend, but there are whole slices of conversation that I can't get into with her. Even sharing happy news is not a given--sometimes I get a critical or evaluating response rather than simple pleasure... It's really confusing at times, trying to keep up who has which level of security clearance for which kind of information. Jeez Louise.

Maybe I am having a harder time because I am usually more open than necessary. I'm still learning to be more guarded in my sharing. I haven't been used to thinking about information security, and I so I've been hurt a lot by trusting people more than is warranted. And even now I have those mental checkpoints in my head. How do I protect myself? How can I get the support I feel I need? How much can I share? How are they likely to respond? Sometimes it's the relatively shallow relationships that can be the most gracious, and I am pleasantly surprised. But it's always a gamble. One woman said some rude and insulting things when we were first TTC... I could tell it was from her own wretched experience, so I stayed pretty calm, but I still find myself angry over her ignorant assertions. I don't think it even occurred to her that people might actually take it personally, might be well-advised to be insulted, even, but it was a very prejudicial and rude thing to say... And yet I still enjoy talking to her in moderation--we see each other a few times a year.

I think my ability to forgive someone for rude words may depend on how much I can ignore. lolol ! See, I am still pissed about somebody being callous, and I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. But-- and here's one key--I can't be bothered to take on the whole emotional mess of having that discussion! I feel I have more responsibility to take care of my own emotional well-being than "raising" other people's emotional responsibility. If I'm not prepared to raise their consciousness about some issues, then I can protect myself by *not getting into that discussion*. Do I WANT to raise my blood pressure? I don't need to be the teacher to the world. Edited to add: Although I have started to blandly share my reaction to some ill-informed opinions. Hold a mirror up and remark on the reality or unreality of a given attitude or assertion. I guess that's a start.

I'm sure there are some ways I could talk more effectively to my friends (and no-longer-friends). Must think on that.

Is it getting older than gives me more I-don't-give-a-shit-matter-of-fact-ness? That makes me not really care so much whether I am stepping on toes stating my needs and preferences and pointing out when someone needs to be more responsible? Ah, so this is what the older woman is like. I think I'm starting to feel it! And that may be the thing that gets me in a place to say some things that may need (eventually) to be said.

Meanwhile, old "friends" are dropping like flies... Either I need to cut everybody more slack, or I need to be more discriminating about who i call a friend. Or some other factors as well. And/or accept that my standards of friendship have changed.

At least through all of this, I can say that my husband has been my best friend. He listens (although he still worried that listening means doing nothing), he consoles, he empathizes, he cheers me up with sushi or ice cream. He doesn't get all pissy about how I am not acting to suit his needs... We can share our feelings honestly, even the less than admirable ones. We see the best in each other. He doesn't get freaked out when I am inconsolable. Or at least holds me and (again) listens, offers sensible feedback, reassures me, reins me in when I get out of whack.... and I do the same for him, although he copes with a lot less emotional drama than I do sometimes. lol In fact, we both are more accommodating of each other now. I am so lucky...