In the Doldrums

Not much going on here, recently. I mean, there is, actually. I have started my courses and have been enjoying them, although it's taken me some time to shift gears enough to give them the proper amount of attention. Must do homework!

But with the paperchase and all, things have slowed down to a crawl. The large packet of documents came back from the embassy a while ago. I was briefly alarmed because the authentication certificates had some Sonya Somebody listed instead of Condi, whereas the other docs had the Secretary of State's names on the form. My agency quickly set me straight... apparently somebody named Sonya Somebody signs things for Condi? Or something?? Okay, as long as the embassy has authenticated them with the proper seal, I guess I don't really care! But in that case, why hasn't this "Sonya" signed our last two documents by now? They are still up in DC awaiting the vital signatures for the last two weeks. I swear, it's like watching a rabbit go through a python..... ie boring and even more lengthy than anticipated. I am just trying to stay calm about this wait, 'cause you know those last docs THEN have to go to the Chinese embassy in DC for another intermitable number of days and weeks, and Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigggghhhh!

So yes, I am trying to stay calm and occupy myself with other things.

It does not help when a friend asks me... "but I thought the last time you talked about this months ago, you were almost ready to send things off to be translated then" Yeah, well, *I* was ready, but the documents take their own sweet time.

And see, this is *exactly* why I don't share the process with too many friends or relatives. It's bad enough to be waiting on the minute details of the process. It's even more annoying to have other people asking you why it isn't done yet. And I don't want to be tempted to swear or scream in public.

I did get an opportunity to vent and roll my eyes when one of my mother's friends passed on some "adorable pictures" of her girls to me. Now, I didn't know this person at all, and as my husband pointed out, the question still remains: why did she know anything about our adopting since I'd asked my parents to not share that with people, huh??? But anyway, I guessed immediately that the only reason she was giving me pictures of her children that I don't know is that she had, yes, Chinese daughters! Whee! That for some reason she thought I would want to see their pictures since I was adopting. I still don't get this. I told my Mom that it was like an infertile woman having other people's babies thrust at her. My IF sister nodded her head...
I just do not get this. It's probably some misguided effort to be supportive, but again, other people's adoptive children do not automatically thrill me. I mean, I like children a lot, and I like meeting and talking to them as the people they are, but to assume that I will be more interested or like them more because they happen to belong to a particular group is just addled. And it's always awkward having people thrust at you for whatever reason.

Meanwhile, one acquaintance who was "thinking" about another adoptive child when we started the process has already LIDed. Meanwhile, an old acquaintance who got married the same day we did has had his child home two months! Yes, I feel jealous that we are that far "behind." I know they had both had earlier experiences that moved them along the process. I don't know why. It makes me sad. My husband pointed out that at every step along the way, we resisted having to shift to a new strategy and a new set of ideas. And it takes a while to get to the point that you feel good about where you are going and can shift strategies to make those life-changing decisions with some level of confidence or at least resoluteness.

* * * * * *

When I think about how long it took us to be convinced enough we had a problem... Well, I was concerned, but everyone else, including my husband, was very laid-back about things panning out. We knew so many people who had had their first child in their late 30s and early 40s, so we were just gleeful about having children ourselves even though by medical standards we were "old." We didn't realize we also knew a LOT of people who had *never* had children because of other, unexplained issues like IF. So yes, we see what we want to see. We don't like to think we have a problem.

Another big thing we were told was that there's no need to worry because "sometimes it can take a couple years for an older couple to conceive." Older meaning people older than 30-35! So we were encouraged to bide our time. MEANWHILE during all that waiting our parts were aging into crinkling balls of useless geonome material!!! Oh no, they don't tell you THAT. At least, not that you ever want to hear. Even the first doctor or two we saw were incredibly blase about our dwindling chances. Only one friend who had gone through her own saga of heartache ever told me that I shouldn't wait, and I was too convinced that we would end on the good side of the odds to listen. I was pissed when another friend was giving me grief about "waiting" during that brief period of time of "planning." Ha ha ha! So to be fair, we did not want to hear the worst. M the eternal optimist had to be convinced by repeated failure, even with medical intervention.

Nobody wants to hear the worst, even if it's happening to someone else. So when we tried, early on, to share what we were going through with other people, all we got were ridiculously blind platitudes and dismissive reactions. NO-body wants to hear about bad or sad things going on. Even another friend who had gone through her own IF story kept wanting to tell me that she "had a feeling it was going to happen" for me, which pissed me off no end. At least with her, I finally told her that it really didn't help and in fact made me feel worse because somebody else's feelings weren't going to up my odds. She's since become more sensitive. But I still end up catching other friends saying and doing things that are just obliviously mean. Like playing the odd tune: "It's so chic to be pregnant at christmas" at a holiday party so that we can all appreciate it. Someone who should know better if she had bothered to think about it. But yet, I have hid most of my reactions to these insensitivities. I LOOK like I'm doing okay. And mostly, I am doing okay. But still, it's like rubbing a raw patch to have people do and say these kinds of things.

* * * * * * *

When I saw my old acquaintance with his new [adopted] baby, I didn't press for details. I said--how wonderful and how old is now? And how long has he been home, and I'm so happy for you! Not wanting to rub any nerves about age, I opened up my mouth to say that I knew that the developmental age tended to get reset at adoption, but I got drowned out by another well-wisher and shut it again. I'm thrilled that he finally has his son. I don't really need to say anything else.

He told me that he was an incredible amount of work, but that the joy outweighs the work. And he said thanks for the good wishes. :) Can I get an Amen?