Old Triggers

Yep, it's another round of people who annoy me. :)

Okay, this time it's a relative who gets irate and worked up to near-hysteria about nearly anything once she's in the mood to. This is irritating because she is not even getting upset about a real thing, but being triggered by something that maybe only slightly resembles or reminds her of something that upsets her. Asking about the connection does not bring anything to closure... I get irritated by the conversation being dragged off in various directions based on these derailing tangents with no obvious connection.

So I have to open my big mouth and query this, this using any convenient trigger to go off on an anxious rant in a completely different direction, and how no one can get a word in edgewise meanwhile. But even this is an affront to the precious feeeeelinggggs. She is very, um, grouchy, to have to wonder why she is doing this so frequently. She feels severely attacked by my even questioning this. Oh, so then I am being the insensitive one... Oh well, maybe I am. I breathe slowly and will myself to delicately back off... (which is in itself an accomplishment)

So I think to myself that probably I have those kind of triggers too, that set me off on an emotional whirlwind although it is not the thing itself that is upsetting me, but the emotional reaction to being reminded of it... For me, it is something like a time when someone done me a deep personal wrong, or when I lost a friend through some tragedy. Or general worthless malaise. Yup, I can get dragged into it all over again.

So I relive my stuff, and this person also relives her stuff -- and it's driving me crazy because she's ratchetting up the fear at top volume, blotting out anything else "real" around her. I want to ask her, "Why do you do this to yourself??" And "Why do you rush headlong into a state that you clearly do not enjoy much?" Or I don't know--maybe she does get something out of it, maybe the rush of adrenaline.

It reminds me of someone I used to know who dealt with any and all difficult emotions by throwing herself into feeling each one to the point of deliberate exaggeration in an effort to "cleanse" herself of these "bad" emotions. As if she could purge herself of the emotions. She said that, too, she had to purge to get rid of it. Did this prevent her from further difficulties? No indeed. In fact, she only reinforced those emotions, wearing the emotional groove deeper and deeper every time she put herself into that state and milked it for all it was worth. Anger, pain, sorrow, spite... Afterwards, she was all worn out... and nevermind the effect of all this stuff on other people... I suspected she was addicted to the rush of anger and fury, at the very least, for the amount of satisfaction she seemed to get out of it.

Okay, so I am aware that emotions also have a physical affect on us, mostly chemical and cardiovascular, I think. We are reminded of something and our hearts beat faster, we start getting steamed or fearful or whatever our pattern... it's so easy to recall those strong feelings because we store them in physical memory. Maybe a similar physical state can trigger a memory too. My DH has told me stories about when he was doing yoga regularly that sometimes the poses would bring up strong emotions in him. Some deeply-buried emotion would come up and sweep over him. So apparently, that's not uncommon to have physical states trigger emotional ones. I'd be interested to learn more about any research done about this.

I have nothing against honoring our experiences and for that matter, our traumas. But we store so much stuff in our bodies as it is... why add to our burden? Why relive painful times so obsessively? I have to ask myself if there is a better way to soften that physical/emotional groove, that habit, and to lay down some new tracks. It would mean catching the event at or before the trigger point before the needle slips into the groove irretrievably, and learning ways of redirecting the reaction. Maybe even reconstructing the response itself.

* * * *
Okay, so here's my challenge:

Notice when I am reacting strongly to something.
Notice how it manifests, emotionally, physically, behaviorally, other.
Notice any images or old scenes it may bring up.
Listen for any internal voices playing old tapes.
Try to soothe, acknowledge, redirect...
Try to do something different physically to help unkink the old pattern?
Reflect on the apparent trigger point(s) for future reference.
Take notes and brainstorm a better plan for next time.
* * * *
Oh, this should be interesting. I'm still a little annoyed however. Maybe my sisters know all my trigger points? Maybe my family is one big trigger point waiting to happen! Oh, this should be *really* interesting!!

* * * *

Assume this

* * * *
At a party potluck last weekend, a good acquaintance hugged me hello, then asked me what was new, while continuing to hold his hand on my belly. I raised my eyebrow, moved away, and said "not that much."

What the fuckity fuck? Yes, I am looking a little heavier these days. I don't appreciate the reminder. Yes, no doubt those other "friends" (the ones who do not understand the word 'confidential') are gleefully gossiping excitedly amongst themselves that now that we are adopting, we are *sure* to get pregnant any week now! Oh, glee!!

Of all the insensitivity. It pisses me off to have people speculating about our lives as if it were on tv. If they are looking for excitement, I am not giving them any fucking thing. I look forward to responding to the inevitable "are you pregnant?" with my standard "no, I'm just fat." Embarrass them into the ground. It's a good defense against nosiness.

* * * *
But all things considered, this is a minor annoyance. We have pie to make, and packing to start and finish, and miles to drive to see nieces and nephews. It'll be fun. It's hard to ruin my mood, so don't even try, people.

* * * *

societal ageism

The other day I was browsing in teacher supplies and heard another customer talking to the clerk.

Seems that one of her colleagues was having a baby for the FIRST time at AGE 40 and they were having a baby shower for him.
That old? The clerk exclaimed with astonishment.
Yeah, the customer said, laughing with bemusement. He just up and got married and had a baby at 40 years old!

(Astonished, as if he and his wife were just going to pack it in because they had hit 40? WTF?)

They spent some time exclaiming about WHAT WERE THEY THINKING, having a baby AT THAT AGE. Gosh, what WILL they think of next? Having a BABY. At 40! What will those crazy old people think of next.

I was over there in the posterboard section, steaming, wanting to either hide or tell them off. --Shut your mouth! and What the hell is so old about 40?

The all-knowing smugness of the attitude as if they could ever imagine somebody THAT OLD having a child.

Then they started joking about how he had joked that he'd be in a wheelchair by the time the kid got into college. More steam. For that matter, what do they think about 60 being so old? For God's Sake, I know people well into their 60s who are fitter than many 20 year olds. They are nowhere near a wheelchair.

We do happen to have many friends who are older than us who do not seem all that old. And they do call anybody out who dares imply they are "elderly" in any fashion. Some of them even have young children and are fine parents. Not the 60-year-olds, to be sure, but friends in their 40s and 50s, some of whom actually hit the procreation jackpot more than once in their 40s. And yes, I would like to get my child into college before retirement age, but that is not my prime concern.

It just galls me that people want to make remarks about somebodys life choices based on age. Okay, I am not perfect... If anything, I think of people in their 20s and 30s as ridiculously young, even though I was there myself not that long ago. Maybe we need younger friends to balance out the perspective, hmm?

But the whole "too old to be a parent" thing REALLY annoys me. Even before I hit my 40s, I had a friend tell me I was probably too old to have children. I about hit him, I was so furious. Maybe it is/was true. My eggs are crap now, not enough of the proper hormones to make the system run ideally for procreation, but still! It's more likely that I got too much exposure to certain industrial solvents in my workplace of my youth (Not To Be Used By Women Of Child Bearing Age But My Bosses Didn't Give A Fuck) and isn't THAT a happy thought? One of the reasons I got out of that field, but apparently it was too late....

AND the people I know who had children when they were what many people would consider WAY too young have done a fine job, too. So as far as I am concerned, the whole perfect age to be a parent is an illusion.

I digress, I know. This whole ageism pisses me off. Who you callin' old? Better watch it, girlie.

*goes away steaming*

* * * * * * *

Surprised by Expectations

Interesting how I'm just going along, living my life in my post-LID, pre-adoption days, and run suddenly into those nefarious (or perhaps insidious) expectations of Bay-bee making.

Two different incidences:

* * * * *

I was hanging out with some acquaintances before a regular event we all enjoy, chatting and eating a bite of dinner.

Suddenly, Ms. Therapist turned to me and asks: Can I ask you a personal question?

Well, now, that's a big tip-off that something rude and intrusive is coming down the pike, right? I should said No, God! Spare Me The Nosy Questions, right then and there. Instead I grimaced wryly and said: People ask me personal questions all the time. Thinking to myself: But I may not chose to answer.

But I was truly surprised at her question: Do you and M ever think about having children?

LOLOL Well, I was so taken aback that I muttered: Well, that IS a personal question.

Pushing ahead obliviously, she continued: Because some couples decide to not have children...

I am surprised that this woman is a therapist or counselor of any sort. Where is her sensitivity? It's not like we are remotely close. She just seemed avidly curious. And if she was asking for herself rather than for her need to root around in our business, she could have asked me in private rather than in front of several of our acquaintances.

Meanwhile, it's flashing through my brain: Don't get upset, don't cry, don't get huffy, don't make a self-deprecating remark, don't tell them about any plans, don't give them anything to gossip over later... Don't you *dare* give *anything* to her!

And she continued: ... So I wondered if you all have thought about it...

I paused. I looked over at her with a controlled seethe, fluttered my lashes and said: All the time.

Dead silence.

This woman found a sudden interest in a completely different topic. No back pedaling, no apology. Maybe a sudden awareness that she was in deep shit and had to Get Out Now. Pretended like she had never asked.

Now she won't look at me any time I run into her in our regular group settings. I started wondering if I had been rude in my response. M reassured me that I had *not* been rude and had in fact handled it beautifully. I guess my semi-infamous "look" that is said to stop people in their tracks leaving wisps of smoke rising off their hair comes in handy now and again.

God knows I have had my share of asinine remarks and rude questions. I guess I should be happy that I didn't get any *more* pissy about it or start running my mouth leading to kicking myself later.

* * * * *

And then there's a conversation I had with a Korean woman from one of my classes, which had a completely different outcome.

We've always been friendly to each other. She's one of those people with whom you instantly feel a kinship with, although we have never had much time to talk on a personal level, given the nature of our evenings and days.

But leaving class one week, we walk out together chatting. She says she has to hurry home because her husband is taking care of their children and finds it hard work. I joke that it's good for men to sometimes experience how much work caring for children can be! Maybe they'll appreciate a mother's work more! haha!

Then, of course, she asks me if I am married and have children. Yes but Nooo, I say. Oh! You are still in the honeymoon stage! She says impishly. I don't have the heart to tell her we have been married for 5 years and together for 9 and have long passed out of the honeymoon stage.

But the hallway is clear, and I give in to the urge to confide in her (matter of factly )that we are adopting... Oohh, She says, nodding. I can't tell her reaction, really, and I don't know if she will start asking more or even if she approves, given some Asian attitudes towards adoption. We pause to mull this over as we continue down the hall.

I tell her my husband is picking me up to go out for a dinner date. Her eyes get big. It's like your honeymoon, she repeats with some humor. We never get to go out to eat any more...

She tells me that she and her husband get married, then three months later (she holds up three fingers), she got pregnant, and she was sooo sick... (shaking her head with the memory). So, they didn't have much time with just the two of them, she says. She's smiling, but wistful. I just nod and make wry sympathetic noises of acknowledgment, because what else can I really say? I'd trade my honeymoon for your children? No, I don't think that's the answer even if it were remotely true. Sometimes it's enough to be witness to somebody else's reality. Or to exchange respectful sharings.

Which is why this did not rub me the wrong way, I think. We each shared some personal detail of our lives and trusted that the other would be sensitive about it.

Then her other friend comes to pick her up, and we leave waving our good byes.

* * * * *

Later I was musing that there's something about the married state that implies child-bearing/child-rearing.

Rhetorical question: why do people automatically assume that when you get married you either have children or you are making some choice to not have children, or just, "you can't."

One way or another, the Bay-bee issue is right there in your face. Perhaps it's that the membership in the Bay-bee club can stunt or cement relationships or give or withhold the supposed worthiness or "belonging" of a given person. Like one of my sisters suddenly became buddy-buddy with many of our cousins again after she joined that club and learned the secret Bay-bee handshake sealed with bay-bee spit up. How freakin annoying. The club atmosphere, not the spit up.

For myself, I really wanted children. From the beginning with M, it was part of our conversations about our visions of our life together. It was important enough to both of us that we wanted to make sure we were in agreement about life goals and grand ambitions. Some of those grand visions have not come to pass, but our values are still in alignment. And we still want children.

But given that children, whether one has them or not, is such a personal decision (okay, we will ignore for the moment the countless relatives who have had oops Bay-bees which involved decisions of a different sort), what justification does one ever owe to others to justify any of those choices? Like about any other life choice. It's not decided by a blue-ribbon panel; it's your own life, yes?

I am a privacy freak, yes. People's private decisions are their own business and don't need commentary from others. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it drives me nuts to hear people talk about somebody else's choices as if they know all about them. If they did know all about it, they shouldn't be blabbing it.

And then there's the assumed right to *know* about other people's personal lives. Just because you are curious or "just wondering" does not give you a right to anybody's stuff. This always seems so much clearer when you've been on the receiving end of that assumption, naturally. I can't even stand it when some of our "friends" say they've been "wondering" about us. Eh, madam, git yer grubby mind off our business! It feels so invasive.

But a sharing, now, that can be appropriate. Not for passing judgement, but getting acknowledgment and witnesses to the challenges and joys of our flawed lives. It's all a work of art. Don't let the critics get you down. But I don't see the point in giving the critics anything to work with, either.

* * * *
Over and out...

I cracked up recently reading Julie's rendition of her Instant Message Conversations With My ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor.

http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2007/04/instant_message.html


If I had to imagine my old basel thermometer personified, this is what I get:

BT: You never pick me up any more. You leave me lying here on the bedside bookcase doing nothing! Don't I mean anything to you any more? You never even wonder what your temp is. What's wrong? *snif* Don't you love me any more? (loud sobbing)

Me: Uhh. It was fun, but I'm afraid I've moved on... It's not you, really. Here, let me put you in the closet with my old sharps and ya'll can talk about old times...


That's all we need, a weepy BT or a sarcastic shadenfreudliche CBEFM.

Makes me glad I didn't cave to my first doctor's suggestion that we get one of those monitors. Of course, he cheerfully mentioned adoption in the same breath as an IUI, and claimed that any reasonable question showed I was too "anxious," so that shows how invested he was in my success... Here, let's spend some *more* money! 'Cause you'll probably have to adopt anyway... seeing how you're so "anxious"... A**hole.

Friends after IF

I've been contemplating my friend situation... I am thinking that IF does change you, changes the relationships around you. So I have "moved on" to adoption, but that pain still does not leave. And more shockingly, my friends still have the power to hurt me with thoughtlessness. And even after IF! Even after adoption! It's crazy. Some of the very people we had write reference letters for us are floating away. Are we pushing them away? Are we doing something wrong? I don't know. I do notice being surprised with hurt that some of these same people who I somehow thought I could trust with my innermost vunerabilities are in fact rather careless about them. I somehow thought that if they passed the test of being entrusted with this important task, that they would not go clod-hopping around on my bruised heart. Boy, have I been rudely surprised.

Well, and the other so-called friends too. I did not notice so much earlier how my IF experiences had changed my whole idea of what it meant to be a kind person, or a gracious and sensitive person. Or even a person with whom I would be comfortable having an extended personal conversation with. But I find myself avoiding people who have been thoughtless to me. It's not so much avoiding as cutting out. it takes a lot for me to cut somebody out, but several people have crossed over the line. One woman still really wants to be my friend, and I cannot bring myself to tell her that she hurt me deeply by being so cavalier about my TTC, and therefor I don't want to spent time with her. Ever. Maybe it's harder with the more casual friends or acquaintances -- they are close enough that you might risk sharing personal news with them, but not so close to tell them how you feel, really. So it's hard to call them on the carpet with any sense of dignity. I don't want to make anyone feel defensive, but mostly because I can't stand the thought of having to mop up emotionally after her... So... I avoid because I don't know how to say *you hurt me a lot* without opening myself up to further vunerabilites. As if, if I have to admit it, then it's even more revealing. If I have to *have a discussion about my feelings* then I have to bare myself further, and I don't trust her to treat me gently.

With friends at any level, IF and other personal traumas introduces a new level of gambling into personal interactions. I have to judge whether someone is trustworthy enough to hear sensitive information and respond well. It's almost a test. *Will they make the right choice?* I end up testing everybody-- are they worthy of this information? Is my need to share greater than their ability to hear it? What if I guess wrong and they flunk the test? I can stop talking to them about IF or other personal issues, but then the issue is out there, still. I can't put it back in the bag once it's shared, and I end up being a sitting duck for assvice of all irritating sorts. I'm sad because many of who I thought were my friends have flunked that test and have acted in thoughtless ways. Even one friend who is hurt, yes, hurt, that I don't share more of my personal life with her, has said and done hurtful things... Just little thoughtless remarks or actions, and for that matter, acted in ways that do not inspire confidence.... being critical over the least little thing, for instance, so that I end up feeling like I'm being asked to justify any course of action. It's wearing. I still value her greatly as a friend, but there are whole slices of conversation that I can't get into with her. Even sharing happy news is not a given--sometimes I get a critical or evaluating response rather than simple pleasure... It's really confusing at times, trying to keep up who has which level of security clearance for which kind of information. Jeez Louise.

Maybe I am having a harder time because I am usually more open than necessary. I'm still learning to be more guarded in my sharing. I haven't been used to thinking about information security, and I so I've been hurt a lot by trusting people more than is warranted. And even now I have those mental checkpoints in my head. How do I protect myself? How can I get the support I feel I need? How much can I share? How are they likely to respond? Sometimes it's the relatively shallow relationships that can be the most gracious, and I am pleasantly surprised. But it's always a gamble. One woman said some rude and insulting things when we were first TTC... I could tell it was from her own wretched experience, so I stayed pretty calm, but I still find myself angry over her ignorant assertions. I don't think it even occurred to her that people might actually take it personally, might be well-advised to be insulted, even, but it was a very prejudicial and rude thing to say... And yet I still enjoy talking to her in moderation--we see each other a few times a year.

I think my ability to forgive someone for rude words may depend on how much I can ignore. lolol ! See, I am still pissed about somebody being callous, and I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. But-- and here's one key--I can't be bothered to take on the whole emotional mess of having that discussion! I feel I have more responsibility to take care of my own emotional well-being than "raising" other people's emotional responsibility. If I'm not prepared to raise their consciousness about some issues, then I can protect myself by *not getting into that discussion*. Do I WANT to raise my blood pressure? I don't need to be the teacher to the world. Edited to add: Although I have started to blandly share my reaction to some ill-informed opinions. Hold a mirror up and remark on the reality or unreality of a given attitude or assertion. I guess that's a start.

I'm sure there are some ways I could talk more effectively to my friends (and no-longer-friends). Must think on that.

Is it getting older than gives me more I-don't-give-a-shit-matter-of-fact-ness? That makes me not really care so much whether I am stepping on toes stating my needs and preferences and pointing out when someone needs to be more responsible? Ah, so this is what the older woman is like. I think I'm starting to feel it! And that may be the thing that gets me in a place to say some things that may need (eventually) to be said.

Meanwhile, old "friends" are dropping like flies... Either I need to cut everybody more slack, or I need to be more discriminating about who i call a friend. Or some other factors as well. And/or accept that my standards of friendship have changed.

At least through all of this, I can say that my husband has been my best friend. He listens (although he still worried that listening means doing nothing), he consoles, he empathizes, he cheers me up with sushi or ice cream. He doesn't get all pissy about how I am not acting to suit his needs... We can share our feelings honestly, even the less than admirable ones. We see the best in each other. He doesn't get freaked out when I am inconsolable. Or at least holds me and (again) listens, offers sensible feedback, reassures me, reins me in when I get out of whack.... and I do the same for him, although he copes with a lot less emotional drama than I do sometimes. lol In fact, we both are more accommodating of each other now. I am so lucky...

In the Doldrums

Not much going on here, recently. I mean, there is, actually. I have started my courses and have been enjoying them, although it's taken me some time to shift gears enough to give them the proper amount of attention. Must do homework!

But with the paperchase and all, things have slowed down to a crawl. The large packet of documents came back from the embassy a while ago. I was briefly alarmed because the authentication certificates had some Sonya Somebody listed instead of Condi, whereas the other docs had the Secretary of State's names on the form. My agency quickly set me straight... apparently somebody named Sonya Somebody signs things for Condi? Or something?? Okay, as long as the embassy has authenticated them with the proper seal, I guess I don't really care! But in that case, why hasn't this "Sonya" signed our last two documents by now? They are still up in DC awaiting the vital signatures for the last two weeks. I swear, it's like watching a rabbit go through a python..... ie boring and even more lengthy than anticipated. I am just trying to stay calm about this wait, 'cause you know those last docs THEN have to go to the Chinese embassy in DC for another intermitable number of days and weeks, and Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigggghhhh!

So yes, I am trying to stay calm and occupy myself with other things.

It does not help when a friend asks me... "but I thought the last time you talked about this months ago, you were almost ready to send things off to be translated then" Yeah, well, *I* was ready, but the documents take their own sweet time.

And see, this is *exactly* why I don't share the process with too many friends or relatives. It's bad enough to be waiting on the minute details of the process. It's even more annoying to have other people asking you why it isn't done yet. And I don't want to be tempted to swear or scream in public.

I did get an opportunity to vent and roll my eyes when one of my mother's friends passed on some "adorable pictures" of her girls to me. Now, I didn't know this person at all, and as my husband pointed out, the question still remains: why did she know anything about our adopting since I'd asked my parents to not share that with people, huh??? But anyway, I guessed immediately that the only reason she was giving me pictures of her children that I don't know is that she had, yes, Chinese daughters! Whee! That for some reason she thought I would want to see their pictures since I was adopting. I still don't get this. I told my Mom that it was like an infertile woman having other people's babies thrust at her. My IF sister nodded her head...
I just do not get this. It's probably some misguided effort to be supportive, but again, other people's adoptive children do not automatically thrill me. I mean, I like children a lot, and I like meeting and talking to them as the people they are, but to assume that I will be more interested or like them more because they happen to belong to a particular group is just addled. And it's always awkward having people thrust at you for whatever reason.

Meanwhile, one acquaintance who was "thinking" about another adoptive child when we started the process has already LIDed. Meanwhile, an old acquaintance who got married the same day we did has had his child home two months! Yes, I feel jealous that we are that far "behind." I know they had both had earlier experiences that moved them along the process. I don't know why. It makes me sad. My husband pointed out that at every step along the way, we resisted having to shift to a new strategy and a new set of ideas. And it takes a while to get to the point that you feel good about where you are going and can shift strategies to make those life-changing decisions with some level of confidence or at least resoluteness.

* * * * * *

When I think about how long it took us to be convinced enough we had a problem... Well, I was concerned, but everyone else, including my husband, was very laid-back about things panning out. We knew so many people who had had their first child in their late 30s and early 40s, so we were just gleeful about having children ourselves even though by medical standards we were "old." We didn't realize we also knew a LOT of people who had *never* had children because of other, unexplained issues like IF. So yes, we see what we want to see. We don't like to think we have a problem.

Another big thing we were told was that there's no need to worry because "sometimes it can take a couple years for an older couple to conceive." Older meaning people older than 30-35! So we were encouraged to bide our time. MEANWHILE during all that waiting our parts were aging into crinkling balls of useless geonome material!!! Oh no, they don't tell you THAT. At least, not that you ever want to hear. Even the first doctor or two we saw were incredibly blase about our dwindling chances. Only one friend who had gone through her own saga of heartache ever told me that I shouldn't wait, and I was too convinced that we would end on the good side of the odds to listen. I was pissed when another friend was giving me grief about "waiting" during that brief period of time of "planning." Ha ha ha! So to be fair, we did not want to hear the worst. M the eternal optimist had to be convinced by repeated failure, even with medical intervention.

Nobody wants to hear the worst, even if it's happening to someone else. So when we tried, early on, to share what we were going through with other people, all we got were ridiculously blind platitudes and dismissive reactions. NO-body wants to hear about bad or sad things going on. Even another friend who had gone through her own IF story kept wanting to tell me that she "had a feeling it was going to happen" for me, which pissed me off no end. At least with her, I finally told her that it really didn't help and in fact made me feel worse because somebody else's feelings weren't going to up my odds. She's since become more sensitive. But I still end up catching other friends saying and doing things that are just obliviously mean. Like playing the odd tune: "It's so chic to be pregnant at christmas" at a holiday party so that we can all appreciate it. Someone who should know better if she had bothered to think about it. But yet, I have hid most of my reactions to these insensitivities. I LOOK like I'm doing okay. And mostly, I am doing okay. But still, it's like rubbing a raw patch to have people do and say these kinds of things.

* * * * * * *

When I saw my old acquaintance with his new [adopted] baby, I didn't press for details. I said--how wonderful and how old is now? And how long has he been home, and I'm so happy for you! Not wanting to rub any nerves about age, I opened up my mouth to say that I knew that the developmental age tended to get reset at adoption, but I got drowned out by another well-wisher and shut it again. I'm thrilled that he finally has his son. I don't really need to say anything else.

He told me that he was an incredible amount of work, but that the joy outweighs the work. And he said thanks for the good wishes. :) Can I get an Amen?

Docs and Sightings

The St@te Dept has had our packet of documents since Jan 3rd. Result? Nada! This concerns me a little.
The Chinese Embassies have had our birth certificates for authentication since last Monday. Result? So far, one package was attempted to be delivered yesterday morning. So I have hope.

* * * * *

In other news: if you happen to see a small Asian child who is apparently adopted, do not, I repeat, do NOT attempt to draw my attention to their presence by pointing, squealing,"Oh, look!!!!!!!!!!!" and looking at me meaningfully.

Yes, I can spot an Asian child at 50 paces. Yes, I do see adopted Asian (and other) children in my community fairly frequently. No, I do not need to talk to/gawk at said child or their parents; they are not a side show. No, I do not need my other aquaintances to wonder why I should be excited at the mere sight of an adopted Asian child. When I see my own child for the first time, yes, THEN I will be excited. So please do not jump up and down and wiggle your eyebrows at me meaningfully; I'm sorry but other people's adopted Asian children are just not that novel. So please restrain yourself, and you can preserve *everybody's* sense of privacy and decorum.

This has been a public service anouncement by way of illustration.

Suppressing glee *now stop that!*

We had a great Christmas with family, including with our little niece, who is not old enough to understand the point of unwrapping presents, but old enough to enjoy the presents she gets.

My mother has already hit that *gleee!* stage about the adoption. I think it's brought on by how wonderful my niece is. Twice, my mother has said: "...and I'm looking forward to *another* one!!!!!!!"
Yes, with all those exclamation marks; you know I come by that honestly.

The first time I just said that yeah, we are looking forward to it too, but it was going to be a while.

The second time, I was worried that she was getting so worked up. I told her that I was glad she's excited, but it's going to be at least two years, probably three before she gets a Christmas with our little girl. 2007, 2008, Yup, probably not 'til Christmas 2009, I said.

She looked momentarily distracted by that information but refused to be dampened. "You never know...!!!!" *twinkle twinkle*

At that point, M stepped in and stated it very matter of factly. "No, it'll be at least two years. You should get used to that idea."

That dampened her.

* * * *
I feel bad that we are in a position of squelching her natural excitement at the thought of another granddaughter. I suppose it would not harm anything to let her carry on, except that after a few years of this, we would all be getting worn out with it.

I feel we have a relatively realistic perspective, and I don't want her or anyone else to think that this baby is just going to pop out in a year.

More to the point, I don't want her or anyone else crying from the back seat of the car-- Are We There Yet?? -- when we are nowhere near match time. So it's for BOTH our sakes. Yeah, that's it.

* * * *

On another note, we sent off all 14 documents to our Secretary of State's Office on Friday. According to the tracking system, they were delivered this morning. Yea!!! (So the offices ARE open this week.) If we are lucky, the packet with certifications will get sent out again tomorrow and we'll have them in our hands before New Years.

I also nagged, I mean asked, our placing agency what was up with the home study. We have never seen a final version of that, although we know that it must have been sent to the USCIS in order to generate our favorable determination. But they still have to write up a country report for our dossier. THEY haven't been open, so I also sent an email so our contact would get it as soon as she comes back in. I was trying to be polite and NOT say, "Where the hell is our home study, woman!!" heheh

I know that this is too soon to be gleeful about finishing the dossier, but we can feel the end is in sight.

I have been digging through our dossier instructions to see what the next step will be after we get all documents certified. I know the authentication comes next, but does a copy get reviewed by our agency first? Do we hire a courier to walk our packet in to the Chinese Embassy for translation, or, or does our agency do that for us?? I have gotten info from a variety of sources, so now that is probably confusing me a little. I should look at our official dossier guide to see what they recommend.

Well, if I don't *have* to send it over to the agency twice, I don't mind! I would be happy for our placing agency to take care of all of it! If that is actually true, we might be even closer to the finish than I thought. That would be lovely. Then I could start all those house projects that will occupy me for two years. :)

Actually, I am about to start classes for a slightly new career direction. I am excited about that. Something to take my mind off the dossier after it's logged in. And it will be done well before we are matched... I have at least two years to make inroads (experience) in at least two new directions. Boo-yeah!

Five Lessons on a slow day

I'm feeling slow to keep moving forward with IA procedings now that Christmas preparations are competing for attention. Despite being "so close' to finishing the dossier. (It's all those editing decisions.) However, I have a few recent points to note.

We got our birth certifs back via F@d Ex, although one now has to go to the Secretary of State office of its state of origin. Turns out the documents from Vital Statistics, etc are sooo official that we didn't have to send it way over there to the county office first after all. Doh! Waste of $30, that what with sending it by Special delivery foreward and back. :( But the lady from the county office was nice enough to call me long distance and explain that specifically, so even though I felt dumb, I at least was clear on what was going on.

/First Lesson: Read the damn instructions before you send money! / :)

On the up side, I just got the special goodies for thank you presents to all of our references. Handmade goodies that are particularly scrumptious and beyond my own skills. For which we paid lots of appreciative money. It involves chocolate. Yeah. Say no more. If you are one of our references who wrote us such nice letters, you have already been wallowing in the results of our gratitude. :) Yum!

/Second lesson: Appreciate the people who help you. /

I'm waiting to hear from either of my two friends who are due any day now, and --who know!-- could be in labor as I type. I trust that eventually I will hear the news.

/Third lesson: Enjoy other people's success and good news. Everyone deserves to be happy./

One of said friends sent me a nice little thank you note for my shower present, letting me know about her expected maternity leave and expressing a desire that I come and visit her and the baby during their time at home. :) I am looking forward to that! Unfortunately, she then added a "good luck in building your own family" to the end of it. Errrr WTF? A little gratuitous pity? Yeah, I guess she is feeling guilty that it's her instead of me about to give birth. But WHY draw my attention to that fact? I guess she couldn't go without mentioning that. Thanks. It makes it SO much easier to maintain my composure and genuine good wishes. [ahem] Anyway... as I was saying...

/Fourth Lesson: Guilt sometimes causes one to say insensitive or intrusive things when it would have been better left alone. /


/Fifth and Biggest Lesson: I hope I have enough wisdom and sensitivity to avoid being an ass to others by accident. /

Showers and opinions

At the baby shower, there were lots of blue things, plush toys and clothes, and some cool items like a portable baby bed, and ultra practical things like a diaper geni@ which apparently is the going thing. It was short and sweet with snacky things and colorful Noah's Arc plates and tea cups and good wishes. Fun stories about plump breast-fed babies and child care plans... light and congenial.

It was a fun time. Many of us had not seen each other since the bridal shower/wedding. The only down spot was one woman who started up on a complaining kick giving opinions about all kinds of choices that didn't seem to have any bearing in her own experience. She held forth on what another woman friend did with pacifers, then about what she did with nursing. The final annoyance was how this other woman put a crib pad *over* all those cute sheets. The complainer just didn't like it, didn't think it was "cute." lol No sh*t, she said that. I wanted to leap out of my chair and reassure my friend that just because people were going to give her all kinds of advice, that she did not have to feel pressured by ANY of it. But I sat back and thought calming thoughts. lol Nobody else in the room said anything, either. My friend, to her credit, did not engage much with this at all. She finally laughed and said, "I imagine that cute will give way to practical." Perfect!!! I admire her attitude. She's still the open and humorous person she was when we first met in college. Not a mean or pretentious bone in her body. And I still have a few weeks to make headway on a baby quilt.

homestudy & conversations

A couple weeks ago, we went to our federal fingerprinting appointment in the next largest city in the state. Nearly 3 hours of travel each way, about 1 hour of waiting for our numbr to come up on the display, and then 15 minutes of rolling our digits on the digital plate. It was actually pretty cool.

The technician sprayed my fingers with a bit of water mist and then swabbed them off with a towelette to get the perfect amount of moisture so that my fingertip grooves would splay out correctly on the fingerprint reader. After my finger was plopped down, he rolled it gently to get it centered and then rerolled from one edge to the next with a mouse click to start recording on one edge. Very cool. Even more clean than the local fingerprinting (which still uses ink and a more brusque roll). My tech guy said, well, the local cops probably do not go home at night and practice their finger rolling technique! lol All I can say was that it was neat to watch! I want a copy of my prints!! But no, the federal gov is propriatory about their prints. My digit record will remain in perpetuity... until our form expires in 18 months and the prints will mysteriously become invalid. Yeah, you know how we all change our digit grooves every year, like changing the smoke alarm battery on my birthday. Ding! So if we are not so lucky in wait times (as you know most of us are), we will get to do this all over again in 2008...

But meanwhile, we tracked down a last piece of paperwork to complete the homestudy. Had to apply to a different state to have that last piece of paperwork sent, too. We also completed as much documentable "family education" as necessary to be acceptable on the form. M toook a couple hours and read through a very good website on attachment so I could finish the form. That;s under the 4everfamily.org. Very informative website. M was impressed (and informed!).

We also have the draft of the homestudy! Only one small typo to fix, and then we are done with that phase. Whoo!

Our next big chore is to finish the documents for the dossier. We have several documentation and dimplomatic letters to write and acquire. We are still trying to get more pictures of us with other people. This has almost been more frustrating than anything else. It's amazing how many pics we get that are really not going to work. Either everybody is looking in different directions or somebody has a disgruntled look on their face, or the pic is aimed at our knees... So we force friends and family to pose for more versions every time we see them! We hope to get a few more from M's family when we visit over Thanksgiving. Of course, we will also have "the talk" with M's parents. We are trepidatious, but I also have some confidence that they will want us to be happy and will be happy for us, even if they may not agree with what we are doing. Who knows--maybe they will be thrilled! They, it's the only way they will be getting grandchildren out of us at this point.

--
Had a good talk with one friend last week. She is trying to be patient about our desire to not talk about everything all the time. Or not share so, so much. She thought I wasn't sounding "excited enough" when I told a few other friends, that all that came through was the "anger" at the process (her word). For starters, I was downplaying the announcement knowing that it was going to take f***ing *years* to have a real baby in arms, and the ^gleee!^ factor was just killing me. It feels premature. Also, I am more cautious about announcing things knowing how our baby plans keep going awry!!!!!! How about that?? Maybe I should not have told that one friend until later... Kept saying she was "proud" of me, but it was really rubbing me the wrong way. We want a child and we are taking reasonable steps in that process--how do I feel "proud" about that? When I objected, she changed it to "so excited for you." That's a little better. :) hehe Yeah, what *would* be acceptable to you, Marie? :) I mainly don't enjoy other people's reactions trying to overwhelm my own. Putting one foot in front of the other and trying to watch out for sneak attacks of crushing disappointment. Forgive me for being wee bit cagey? defensive? wait and see? Way self-protective? Yeah, all that.

Anyway, I know this one friend (who is actually one of my closest friends) hates being left in the dark and feels constrained about not being about to talk and ask about it. My take on this is: just who is she doing this for? Does she want to talk about it to take care of her own emotional needs or is she at all concerned about considering my needs as one of the primaryly impacted parties??? Eh? I tried pulling out some of my emotional complications to show her *why* I was less inclined to have other people tromping over my tender feelings. If I hold other people off, it's purely self-protective. Many/most other people do not get difficult and traumatizing it has been coming through and out of infertility. They think it should be all hunky dorey now and still give us thoughtlessly callous advice and remarks. Consesus in the IF world (that I have seen) suggests that they are wanting to make themselves less guilty or anxious, not so much as actively wanting to hurt/help us. Eh, whatever. Meanwhile, I still have to take care of myself. Therefor, there are a lot of personal things I don't discuss.

On a related note, this same friend was again tut-tutting that M & I don't have "anybody else to talk to." I tried saying, well, no, we talk to *each other*, and that is what keeps us going. I feel lucky that we have been so supportive and understanding of each other and our individual processes in this whole ordeal. She doesn't get this. I told her rght out that it was worse to try to talk to people who did not understand than it was to not talk about it at all. That is was a like a survivorship situation, where people who had undergone IF were in a better position to really understand what it was like for others, like some cancer survivors find it most comforting to talk to other cancer survivors. For me, trying to talk about IF and related issues to non-IF people is overwhelmingly an exercise in frustration and infuriation. Man, they just walk all over my heart! And don't even realize that they are leaving muddy boot prints behind... So, heh, is it *understandable* that I dont go out of my way to talk to that random "other" people? I read and post to blogs with like minded people. I talk seriously with my sweetie. I distract myself or work harder on what I can do. THAT helps.