Moving Right Along

We are scheduled to have our social worker visit later this week. Our home study agency has been very solicitous, especially after they found out about our deadline. They told our SW to get on it by a certain date or they would do it themselves. I still had to email several days later that I had not heard anything yet from our SW, but if that's what it takes, okay. I know SWs are overworked anyway, so I was nice about it. And now we have our appointment and then our update should be right along.

Now all we have to do is track down all the little details in the home study that will have to be changed, e.g. any new addresses and all ages of various people. My work status has changed--I have started working part time--but they say that they can address that in our update with a couple of sentences. But it's all picky little details to update, nothing major.

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We are noticing the stress of the uncertain state of IA on all related agencies. Our home study agency is fairly small and personal. I know they have been feeling the slowdown--the adoptions programs of two of their main countries have been closed down or slowed to a crawl. They've been sending out fund-raising letters and informational documents to keep their clients informed. They have even laid off several people in the last month, which is really too bad. And they were so small to begin with that it sounds like they are down to the bare bones of the staff now.

Despite fundraising letters, I am not inclined to send them *more* money. Still, I can appreciate their uncertain position, so when we accidentally overpaid on our latest update, we had them hold that as credit for future updates rather than send the $400 back. As M says, we can afford it even if it's not ideal.

It's also a possibility that if they don't weather this slowdown that they may go under within the next few years... neccessitating our REDOing our home study with another agency (ack!). So yeah, we thought it was a "good faith" thing to to do to have them hold our overpayment while they are cash-poor.


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Hey, I told a few more people about this adoption thing recently.

One was a college friend with whom I have started writing to more frequently. We live in different countries, so we see each other only rarely (it's been years now), but we are good about writing. I am also friends with her husband and like hearing about their kids and their lives. It's been really fun to renew a regular correspondence.

Since we've been sharing more of our lives recently, I was telling her some of our IF and IA stuff, and a couple of months ago, I finally sent her a big long saga of the adoption proceedings and the slowdown and all those frustrations. She sent me a very encouraging, sensitive and supportive response, which really touched my heart. I was also relieved that she was as gentle as I had hoped when I took the gamble of sharing more. I guess sometimes it's not just the sharing but the response that makes it worthwhile. I know she has had some hard times along the way, so she's not innocent of how things that can go wrong. It's just the stuff of life, isn't it?



I also recently ran into people we know who had just recently brought their daughter home from China! They had been in that massive LID that took 6 months to place, waiting about 2.5 years or so. We live on opposite sides of the state and of course, we had had no idea that they had been in the same process that we were in until we saw them with their daughter and guessed the situation. I didn't leap at them immediately... haha! But later when I remarked that her LID must have been in Dec of 05, she knew we were in the same boat, on the road to China!

It was really wonderful to see them with their daughter. It was also a pleasant surprise to know someone in real life who had undergone so many of the same challenges and understood what we are going through! It was very moving to me to see them as a family. It also, silly as it sounds, gave me concrete hope that we would be parents someday. I know how people like to say that you forget the wait after you have your children, but it's not much comfort when we still have *years* of waiting ahead of us, so this was a concrete example: someday that will be us.

It was great to talk and share/commiserate a little with each other. It sounds like we have a new connection--yea! :) And their daughter was such an engaging cutie. I really loved watching them interact, like when she and her Dad would wave at each other from a distance, or taking her Mom by the finger and taking her to explore something or somebody. She would sometimes giggle or hand her shoes to other people... the kind of baby dearheart that people just gravitate to. I wasn't the only one who thought she was a dear!

I did try to say a few things in Mandarin depending on the context (hi there! oh,are you thirsty?), but it wasn't clear if she understood me! Sometimes the non-verbal works better at that age. I was tickled to recognize some signing going on. She reminded me of my youngest niece when she was just learning to interact and communicate. Anyway--it all felt happy to me. :)

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These days I am more optimistic about learning Chinese again. I'm not optimistic about the *wait* at all, but as my friend said, I have all this time to practice my Chinese! Okay, okay, I'll give it another go.

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Toxic Echoes

Sad and troubling story, here. Or a long and convoluted drama.

Just heard from a friend of mine we've known slightly (but for years). They wanted to talk to me about one of my former friends. Seems that they had a disturbing run-in with this person and wanted to talk about it.... I said, uh-huh? and let them know that yes, this person could act in unpredictable ways.

They then told me this story about how they had run into her the other day and how she had dumped a bunch of spurious, obsessional, dubious information on them concerning mental health drugs. Without getting into the sordid details, she is accusing certain doctors of nefarious deeds concerning said drugs. She has always been vehemently against any such drugs, even though some people close to her have been able to lead happy productive lives *only* through such drugs (or else they'd be dead or committed by now). Or as one friend likes to say, "better living through chemistry!"

This other friend of mine and their spouse have been so supportive of this woman over the years, through all sorts of trauma and trial. They are both very generous, big-hearted people. And they were a little taken aback (since they had also had family members and friends who, can we say, freaking *need* drugs to be sane), so the one friend tried to point out, very gently, this other perspective that, you know, such drugs can be literally life savers.

Well. She cut him off so fast--"don't start with me!" and left in a huff. Odd, yes? Well, not as odd as when they got home and found an email addressed to my friend's spouse but sent to my friend, accusing them of being rude and insensitive and maligning their character in the worst terms. She sent a poison letter ostensibly addressed to my friend's spouse to *them*?? Passive aggressive much?

So my friend, the big-hearted one, was understandably confused and wounded by this, wondering what they had done to receive such vitriol. And called me looking for perspective because they had heard that I and this other woman had had "a falling out" and there had been "incidences," and maybe I had a clue as to what was going on.

*pause to sigh*

What does one do with people who insist on making life toxic for themselves and others?

From my experience, I'd have to say: see it for what it is (don't sugar coat or minimize the damages) and then get far, far away.


Well, I was able to share some background of her seemingly irrational hatred of any and all mood-altering drugs, and her history of delusional and accusatory behavior.... And listened some more while my friend tried to explain what it felt like to be attacked.

Like me in my own version of this incident, they were very shaken and freaked out by this very personal attack. They felt very threatened and had a hard time sleeping, worrying what else she might throw at them. That's a scary thing to have to deal with.

I understood they were reaching out in an attempt to figure out the situation... so without getting into gossipy details, I tried to give them some perspective by sharing some of my own experiences and thoughts so they would understand that this woman's behavior was part of a pattern, no fault of theirs at all. I really hope they can shake it off. It's a freaky thing to be attacked out of the blue.



I try to avoid playing psychologist on other people because it's a little arrogant, but it has been helpful for me to come to terms with strange and toxic behavior in others. I have had a family member who had issues, and after many long years I had to learn to step out of the pattern and find new ways to be with them (or to not be with them, depending). And with this woman... well.... This has been the one person who scared me the most in my life in terms of crossing boundaries left and right, finally attacking me, and trying to manipulate me emotionally until I got so furious that I broke free of ever having to call her a friend again. It's made me very wary of having anyone try to place their own definitions of reality on me.

The closest I have ever come to defining how manipulative and infuriating she was was in the clinical definitions of a narcissistic personality. One characteristic is that as long as you could be a powerful supporter, the person butters you up, and if you ever disagree or show yourselves to be not in complete alignment with what they want from you, you are instantly a vile enemy.


So this is some back-story to clear my own head:


... When we first became "friends," she was so cute and endearing, buttering me up while also subtly putting me in the box she reserved for me, something I later realized was her way of keeping me in the categories of "inconsequential" and "inferior." She would include me in some of her gatherings with women friends, which worked well enough. She would compliment me, but only in a patronizing way such as continually telling the story of how when she first met me, she thought "what a cute little...!" as if nothing else I did was worthy of her attention. She did put the moves on a friend of mine who I was going out with in the time before I met my husband to be... (you can tell this was a number of years ago!).

Nothing in the beginning alerted me to how devious she could be. Even if one sees something that feels off, it's easy to minimize it and explain it away as no big deal. That started to change as we began spending more time together. She eventually married my friend (and I married M), and we sometimes did couple things together, but otherwise she did not socialize with her husband's crowd at all. She claimed to be overly-trustful, which I found odd considering how often she found fault with others for supposed sins of behavior against her. The friends and groups she was part of were THE best, THE most amazing and THE MOST wonderful people, and yet.... it was maybe not surprising in retrospect that any associate she held for very long eventually ran afoul of her. More on that in a minute.

We saw each other even more frequently as she and I and some other friends would get together regularly, and process some common threads in our lives, hash stuff out. It felt like we were bonding as a group. But after about a year of this, I started coming home after these lunches gnashing my teeth and complaining to M about how she was putting me down and trying to keep me in a weird place. It was so hard to define. She'd even play me off some of my other friends, ignoring or putting down anything I tried to share while fawning over other people, but if we were alone, she would cozy up to me. It sounds so petty, but it was so subtle, so consistent.

The worst part for me was the way she tried a weird variation of mind-control. If I (or anyone else) would state their feelings about something in a way that ran counter to what she thought, she would restate the opinion in a form more acceptable to her. This *sounds* like the reflective statements that some people learn as a way of active listening, but with her, it was her insisting on a different reality and trying to get us to think according to her version. In her voice, it was You Will Change It. It felt ugly, like she was trying to impose her own version of HOW we should think, HOW we should feel, HOW we should react. I always felt--excuse me, I think I know my own feelings better than you do! Don't tell me what to think!! It was very strange to have someone trying to exert their will one me like that, but like I said, it was so subtle, it was hard to find a place to object... the best one could do is resist back.

She joined a more formal women's group I was part of for a while, and it was the same old thing. After unsuccessfully attempting to mould the group to her own vision of how we should run the group, she became very silently disapproving and angry. It was not a good fit, and you'd think she/we would have figured that out, but still she held on. Finally, she concocted a situation to manipulate the group into feeling guilty for "not respecting her emotional needs" (to whip them into shape, I think), but calmer heads in the group saw through that and didn't buy it. That was the end of that.


God, I did so much for this woman... she could be so pitiful and needy and so in need of someone dropping everything in their lives to make her feel better. I once left work in the middle of the morning (I had very understanding bosses!) after she appealed to me to come help her deal with some trauma or other. I think she was testing me (and others) to see what she could get us to do, what would work to get us to change to suit her. She would come right out and ask for "what she needed" as if holding auditions to see who would step in and make small sacrifices for her, see if they had potential to fulfill that need. If making outright demands wouldn't work, she'd start hitting in with the emotional manipulations, trying to find the spot that would get you to feel awful enough to support her. She was a master at looking just the right level of haughty disapproval to get me to wonder what I should do to please her better. It was totally sick, but subtly so. As I figured out later, other friends were even more caught than I was, wanting to live up to that image of themselves as the good friend. She could also make generous gestures, but it had self-consciously magnanimous undertones of "see what a wonderful friend I am."


I felt I wanted to stop meeting her and pull back from being friends. I couldn't figure out exactly why all these little interactions irritated me so much, but I wanted badly to get away... We still has so many friends in common, including one good friend, and her husband with whom I was still close and had many other contacts with. With that web of societal connections, it was not so easy to extricate myself once I had been drawn in.

I say "drawn in" because I believe now that she intuitively looked for people who would support her and play roles for her. The best friend. The other best friend. The most wonderful rabbi ever. The most wonderful boss. The person with whom she would do anything for as long as they were fulfilling their role. The person who would say OMG you are sooo suffering, let me drop everything to do what you need! I don't think she enjoyed these gestures, except to the extent that she felt the power of getting people to do things for her. But I am cynical now, so I could be wrong.

This way of interacting was exacerbated when she lost her husband traumatically. It was bad for everyone. There's no doubt it was bad for her. It was also bad for her husband's family (who she shut out of a lot of info) and those of us trying to deal with our own sense of loss... Her neediness kicked into high gear, and many of us rushed to her aid. I don't know how many months we were in full support mode. You don't want to know everything we did for her... Another friend in particular tried to do everything right to be supportive... Those of us who were particularly sensitive and caring were complete suckers for this. Not that she didn't deserve sympathy and support, but giving that support fed right into her worst dynamics.

*sigh* Okay. Flash forward about 9 months...

I had to be out of state for a few months dealing with my own stuff. I would hear little rumblings about her in emails (from other people) like distant thunder, but I was burned out. From a distance, I was relieved to be out of range for a while. There were only a few passive aggressive things to ignore. One mutual friend confided to me that she suspected that this woman was making new stuff up just to get attention, and I was shocked that she would say so... We never figured out if that was actually true, but it turned out to be a foretaste of things to come.

Once I came back home, I had other things to deal with.... but one morning very early, I picked up a phone call-and got an earful of obscenities. Like a good girl trained on obscene phone calls and obsessive ex-es, I promptly hung up the phone. That was the next to last straw. I had no patience for further demands, especially those involving insults, but further screaming ensued. Then there was a lot of further nastiness.

The final straw was another episode in which she showed up in my backyard at 5:30 on a Sunday morning and acted out a little drama called "I'm totally grieving under your window." I was sympathetic for about 10 seconds, until I realized that the subtitle was actually "Let me slap you for not jumping through fire to attend to my every need, you bitch."

M was mortified, and I was furious. I didn't feel bad for her because I saw, finally, clearly, that she was doing everything in her power to manipulate me, and since she had a hunch that it wasn't working any more, she would scorch the earth to do anything to hurt me. Among the more colorful moments, she cursed me, and wished that my husband and any children I had would die. (Whoo, boy. At that moment, I was so grateful that she knew nothing of our IF story.)

I ended up demanding that she leave my property and slamming the door in her face. I was especially furious that she had caused my loving, dear-heart husband to fall into the trap of wondering what we should do to make her feel better. I hated to see him being played that way. He was grasping at straws, saying maybe we should try to appease her by doing this or that for her. I was adamant that after that naked attempt at manipulation, I wasn't going to give her a damn thing. No appeasement, no negotiation. Do you negotiate with terrorists? No!

After that particular episode, I was pretty traumatized, shaky and fearful that she would come back. I had a hard time sleeping for weeks. I was jumpy around town and anywhere near her neighborhood. I cried and raged. The one thing that gave me any kind of security was vowing that if she ever came back to my house, I would call the police on her.

And other people did not understand. Because, oh, that poor woman, they would say. Yeah, that poor psychotic! Even other friends for a while would laugh and say, "oh that's so junior high!"

You hear about the crazy ex. You don't hear about the crazy ex-friend. Nobody wants to think that this "poor little" woman is being an absolute shit. And then when I saw her a couple weeks later (in an official, public situation in front of other friends and associates), she was acting all buddy buddy again! I politely refused to engage or acknowledge her, and have refused to do so ever since. I still fear that someday she will show up on my doorstep and try to pull something.


I don't know what would have happened if I had caved into her demands or tried to appease her. It takes a lot of energy and fortitude to fend off an attack like that, but I believe it's more damaging to have to justify not standing up for oneself. I did feel like an asshole for a while even though I *knew* she was just mashing all buttons within reach. Now I just feel proud of myself (and relieved) that I did draw that line and put up a fight. Little ol' meek and mild-mannered me would come out fast and furious and slam that crap back into the ground. I can say that although I look like a push-over, I will defend my boundaries.
I know it wasn't a fluke because a few years later, I had an instance in which someone very insistently tried to force me to do something I felt was very wrong (Have you ever had someone try to bend you to their will? In public, yet? Not fun.), and I slapped him down so hard, everyone was a little awed. Somebody later said--why didn't somebody step in and defend her (me), and another friend grinned and commented, are you kidding? I wasn't going to get in HER way! I felt like a g-d transformer. Okay, so I am still a push-over who occasionally gets hulk-ified.



But here I have other friends who have their own little epiphanies about this woman, and I relive some of it all over again after working hard to step away from the emotional turmoil.

One good friend had a really hard time coming to terms that this woman who she *thought* was a friend was being so damaging to her and others. She finally felt forced to extricate herself also. She was another sensitive and caring soul who felt suckered. We don't talk about it much, but we comprise a mini survivors group.

One friend who lives in her neighborhood called me all concerned once and said he had run into her and she didn't seem to be doing so good and he was really worried about her... I was non-committal. Told him that for my own sanity I couldn't support her any more. Told him, yes, I could give him the name of her rabbi (but I didn't think it was going to help...).

I swear, it's like a bird dragging a fake broken wing! She sends out pity signals and anybody with a heart is moved... and eventually runs into this very weird dynamic.

And now this other friend, who has the biggest heart I know, who didn't turn their back on her on her craziness up to this point, has been slammed because why? They disagreed with an obsessive opinion/belief, and they suddenly discovered this other side of her. They were shaken, wondering WHY and WTF?! and concerned on top of all of that, realizing, OMG, she actually is delusional...

What can you do? It's beyond me. Not my job to "fix" her, even when I have some residual sorrow over her sorry state. There are trained people who devote their careers to helping people adjust their mental health. But there's a whole list of conditions that need to be in place to make that worth pursuing. For one, the patient needs to be willing. And of course, she doesn't believe in any kind of therapy or meds... I doubt that anyone can save her from herself. If I step waaay back, I do still feel pity for her, but it's likely that the most emotionally generous person is the most likely to get hurt in this situation.

And even if I had any kind of power to help her, I wouldn't go anywhere near her. Thank you, I am not that self-sacrificial. This is one instance when "toxic" really describes it.

I had hoped that she would eventually settle down and get back to some kind of stable reality, but then people will call me about her or say little oblique things such as, I ran into so-in-so... And they are furtive and unsettled... and I can tell that they have come up against her crazy, and there's nothing I can do except say sincerely, I'm so sorry, and You're not the only one... and live my life coming to terms with the experience, trying to not think of the day that, someday, I cross paths with her again.

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Old Friends...

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Thinking of my friend this morning - his birthday is this week--tomorrow in fact--but he killed himself a couple years ago. I can easily visualize his face and voice in all his moods. He could be so silly and funny, so compassionate, so sad, so caring, so insecure. So much fun, music, and talent for understanding. I still miss him.

Thinking of another man we knew from our extended community - he had disappeared in August, and just this week we heard he'd been found... It's just sad, sad. I haven't seen any announcements by email... I've just been tracking it by google news alerts. There must be at least 2 football/basketball players with a similar name because I've been hearing about random sports crap for months. But this week, there was a real news hit. He'd been found not far from where they had searched originally, but a little distance away from where he had disappeared. Then a couple days afterwards, the cause of death was confirmed. Sad, sad. One never knows the kinds of demons that people wrestle with out of sight.

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If you feel hopeless and depressed, please, please talk to someone and get help. You don't know the kind of joy you bring to the world.

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Now we will go traveling for 12 hours! Oh, happy day. Maybe we will have internet at the end...
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Cultural Interpretation 1

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Hey, did you hear about the C-gov't wanting to reduce air pollution for the Olympics by closing down scads of industry and industrial plants starting now? (sorry, no link for this, either)

I think this is throwing an inadequate, temporary solution to a complex problem. Sad to say, it also makes it more credible to me that C would do something like hold back the flow of adoptions to look good during the Olympics.

...

So I shared this thought with a non-AP friend as one reason for the current slowdown, and she was completely thrown and started questioning me: Why would they do that?? I found myself too completely wearied with the complexity of the situation to explain thoroughly. I don't really know, myself, after all. But also, I was chagrined to find myself in the position of trying to explain C cultural values to an American. It was exhausting, partly because this friend doesn't understand why anyone would NOT be like an "average American" (or what she imagines that to be--haha!), so she is exasperated by the simplest difference and demands to know why, why why. ("Saving face" is obviously a term more than an actual concept for her at this point.)

We have had this dynamic for as long as I can remember (decades). It's not as if she has not had plenty of exposure to other cultures; we both have. But she still reacts to other ways of doing/thinking about something (anything) with bafflement. She seems to have a failure of imagination as to why anyone would do something differently than she herself would. The consistent refrain is, "Why on earth would they want to do *that*?!" And then, often, she laughs because she finds it too ridiculous to be believed even with explanation, which I sometimes find offensive. Even with my own, mundanely (or not so mundanely) American life, I've had to explain myself at times. Well, *many* times in fact, since I am outside the mainstream on many issues and factors! But she has learned to accept my differences from her own upbringing, and our friendship has survived numerous shifts, although in some ways we are still so different.

My friend's saving grace is that she is both open-hearted and very open about her thoughts, and wants to know about others instead of simply shutting out anybody different. So often, I can "just" explain my perspective and understanding, and once (if) she gets it, it's in the clear. She may not understand it or agree/accept it, but she'll at least not argue its existence! Heh!

I'm afraid, though, that it may be a prevalent, particularly American mindset. It's been my experience that most Americans are intrigued by but not really open to other cultures. (Or sometimes threatened by the differences--There is of course a continuum to either side of that which makes things very interesting!) And I'm tired just thinking about having to explain not only myself but the whole of C culture to other Americans, especially those not really open to other cultures. (To the extent that I myself understand C culture, of course--ha.) So do I get to be a cultural interpreter by dint of becoming an international-adoptive-parent? It would seem so. I've done this in the past, trying to moderate other's perspectives based on my own education and experience, but it's an imperfect interpretation. I'm still learning, myself. And is the listener even open to alternate ideas and cultural values at all? *sound of head bashing against brick wall*

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The Long Wait

The Long Wait (TLW) as of May 2007

Well, for those of you out of the loop of China Adoptions, the wait times (from Log-In Date to Match) have been extending and extending far beyond our initial ideals.

When we first started the process, we were told it was 8-12 months til match. Then the official paperwork from our chosen agency was indicating 12-14 months. We were okay with that, so we started on the application and dossier process, which in itself could take 3-5 months (ha! It took us what? 7? 8 months? It's a blur.)

While we built our dossier, the waits started creeping upward. I was hearing rumors of two years fairly early (18-24 months), so I started telling people the wait could take up to two years, although that didn't stop some people from dancing about with glee and proclaiming it would take us "hardly any time at all" and that "the wait goes quicker than you think." ha! ha! Yes! They said that! hahhah

Okay, seriously, with times creeping further and further out, we are now hearing of possibly *three* years wait! I am trying to not feel too depressed about that. We have our spot in line and I'm holding on to that.

I do start worrying that the wait will extend to even longer and weird things will happen to the situation before we have our daughter matched and home. I have a dread of having to explain the situation to others. It's painful to have to somehow justify the long wait to others when we are even more frustrated and pained by the slow down. I am even more glad now that we haven't made any general announcements and having to deal with remarks from a larger pool of uninformed people. It's hard enough already with the people I keep in the loop asking "how the adoption is going." Well, I say, our paperwork is still sitting in a stack somewhere in China... Like, excuse me, it's not "going" anywhere; it's sitting there in line!!!!

* * * * *

On a related note, I have found out in the last couple of months that some of our friends who wrote us reference letters have not been keeping it quiet as I had originally requested. We have random people offering us "help" and even our car mechanic (!!!? WTF?!) remarking that they had mentioned it to him... They even mentioned something in front of another acquaintance that we would never go out of our way to share personal information with. This is very disconcerting. Do they not think that our information is worthy of discretion, especially since we asked them to be discrete? I start feeling very irritable and a little panic-y that the info is being flung willy-nilly around the area.

On top of that (being confronted with people we don't know being privy to our private lives), I don't know how to bring this up with our friends. I am baffled that perhaps, somehow, they did not understand that we were not sharing this at random and would prefer they NOT share this with other people. !!!! For God's Sake! Even if someone is pregnant, they don't usually (often) immediately share the news with the entire god-d*mned world. Wait, there was that one acquaintance who had to share to the ENTIRE world when she was merely a month pregnant--you can imagine my self-restraint at that announcement-- But anyway! :) hehehe

Anyway, we hardly see these folks in private... and our shared couple time has shrunk. So when do I have a spare quiet moment to say something to them?? I also don't want to hit them over the head with it. I just want to inquire about what they thought we wanted them to do with that personal information, and ask them, politely, to restrain themselves...

*sigh* It's not as if my mother doesn't also talk to her friends. It's not as if I don't also make my own decisions about who to share this with. It's partly that I *am* private about my life. I have had too much of people talking about my life as if it belonged to them. It's also that we will wait two to three friggin' *years* and I don't feel like putting up with sh*t from nosy people while we wait and wait and wait and ...

It makes me sympathize with all those famous people about whom it's said," they are a deeply private person." Yeah, I get it. Just because somebody knows who you are or thinks they know you does not give the right to every last iota of personal information about you. If you have been reading, you know I hit on this topic a lot. I'm sure this won't be my last. :)

But how to redirect my well-meaning but apparently clueless friends? Maybe they didn't get the memo I thought they did? Maybe by "not sharing it with everyone," they thought, like, we meant every last person on the earth. Only a few hundred or so... Okay, I know my secrets are *not* safe with *them*...


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Friends after IF

I've been contemplating my friend situation... I am thinking that IF does change you, changes the relationships around you. So I have "moved on" to adoption, but that pain still does not leave. And more shockingly, my friends still have the power to hurt me with thoughtlessness. And even after IF! Even after adoption! It's crazy. Some of the very people we had write reference letters for us are floating away. Are we pushing them away? Are we doing something wrong? I don't know. I do notice being surprised with hurt that some of these same people who I somehow thought I could trust with my innermost vunerabilities are in fact rather careless about them. I somehow thought that if they passed the test of being entrusted with this important task, that they would not go clod-hopping around on my bruised heart. Boy, have I been rudely surprised.

Well, and the other so-called friends too. I did not notice so much earlier how my IF experiences had changed my whole idea of what it meant to be a kind person, or a gracious and sensitive person. Or even a person with whom I would be comfortable having an extended personal conversation with. But I find myself avoiding people who have been thoughtless to me. It's not so much avoiding as cutting out. it takes a lot for me to cut somebody out, but several people have crossed over the line. One woman still really wants to be my friend, and I cannot bring myself to tell her that she hurt me deeply by being so cavalier about my TTC, and therefor I don't want to spent time with her. Ever. Maybe it's harder with the more casual friends or acquaintances -- they are close enough that you might risk sharing personal news with them, but not so close to tell them how you feel, really. So it's hard to call them on the carpet with any sense of dignity. I don't want to make anyone feel defensive, but mostly because I can't stand the thought of having to mop up emotionally after her... So... I avoid because I don't know how to say *you hurt me a lot* without opening myself up to further vunerabilites. As if, if I have to admit it, then it's even more revealing. If I have to *have a discussion about my feelings* then I have to bare myself further, and I don't trust her to treat me gently.

With friends at any level, IF and other personal traumas introduces a new level of gambling into personal interactions. I have to judge whether someone is trustworthy enough to hear sensitive information and respond well. It's almost a test. *Will they make the right choice?* I end up testing everybody-- are they worthy of this information? Is my need to share greater than their ability to hear it? What if I guess wrong and they flunk the test? I can stop talking to them about IF or other personal issues, but then the issue is out there, still. I can't put it back in the bag once it's shared, and I end up being a sitting duck for assvice of all irritating sorts. I'm sad because many of who I thought were my friends have flunked that test and have acted in thoughtless ways. Even one friend who is hurt, yes, hurt, that I don't share more of my personal life with her, has said and done hurtful things... Just little thoughtless remarks or actions, and for that matter, acted in ways that do not inspire confidence.... being critical over the least little thing, for instance, so that I end up feeling like I'm being asked to justify any course of action. It's wearing. I still value her greatly as a friend, but there are whole slices of conversation that I can't get into with her. Even sharing happy news is not a given--sometimes I get a critical or evaluating response rather than simple pleasure... It's really confusing at times, trying to keep up who has which level of security clearance for which kind of information. Jeez Louise.

Maybe I am having a harder time because I am usually more open than necessary. I'm still learning to be more guarded in my sharing. I haven't been used to thinking about information security, and I so I've been hurt a lot by trusting people more than is warranted. And even now I have those mental checkpoints in my head. How do I protect myself? How can I get the support I feel I need? How much can I share? How are they likely to respond? Sometimes it's the relatively shallow relationships that can be the most gracious, and I am pleasantly surprised. But it's always a gamble. One woman said some rude and insulting things when we were first TTC... I could tell it was from her own wretched experience, so I stayed pretty calm, but I still find myself angry over her ignorant assertions. I don't think it even occurred to her that people might actually take it personally, might be well-advised to be insulted, even, but it was a very prejudicial and rude thing to say... And yet I still enjoy talking to her in moderation--we see each other a few times a year.

I think my ability to forgive someone for rude words may depend on how much I can ignore. lolol ! See, I am still pissed about somebody being callous, and I can't pretend it doesn't bother me. But-- and here's one key--I can't be bothered to take on the whole emotional mess of having that discussion! I feel I have more responsibility to take care of my own emotional well-being than "raising" other people's emotional responsibility. If I'm not prepared to raise their consciousness about some issues, then I can protect myself by *not getting into that discussion*. Do I WANT to raise my blood pressure? I don't need to be the teacher to the world. Edited to add: Although I have started to blandly share my reaction to some ill-informed opinions. Hold a mirror up and remark on the reality or unreality of a given attitude or assertion. I guess that's a start.

I'm sure there are some ways I could talk more effectively to my friends (and no-longer-friends). Must think on that.

Is it getting older than gives me more I-don't-give-a-shit-matter-of-fact-ness? That makes me not really care so much whether I am stepping on toes stating my needs and preferences and pointing out when someone needs to be more responsible? Ah, so this is what the older woman is like. I think I'm starting to feel it! And that may be the thing that gets me in a place to say some things that may need (eventually) to be said.

Meanwhile, old "friends" are dropping like flies... Either I need to cut everybody more slack, or I need to be more discriminating about who i call a friend. Or some other factors as well. And/or accept that my standards of friendship have changed.

At least through all of this, I can say that my husband has been my best friend. He listens (although he still worried that listening means doing nothing), he consoles, he empathizes, he cheers me up with sushi or ice cream. He doesn't get all pissy about how I am not acting to suit his needs... We can share our feelings honestly, even the less than admirable ones. We see the best in each other. He doesn't get freaked out when I am inconsolable. Or at least holds me and (again) listens, offers sensible feedback, reassures me, reins me in when I get out of whack.... and I do the same for him, although he copes with a lot less emotional drama than I do sometimes. lol In fact, we both are more accommodating of each other now. I am so lucky...

Questions and Thoughts

Finally, FINALLY, the US St@te Dept has finished with our last two documents, and the F3d Ex return shipment has started on its journey back to us! This has been an even longer wait than before--it'll be 3 weeks compared to about 2 for the earlier batch.

I had been checking the tracking number for weeks without so much as a peep, so I'm glad to see it has at least started home to us! I am preparing myself to whip those docs back out to the embassy the same day. And then we wait some more... although it tempts me to start hoping we finish by the end of Feb.

* * * * * *

Another friend asked me yesterday how things were going with the adoption process. I said Paperwork Paperwork Perseverance. She immediately jumped to how wunnnerful it will be when I travel to China. I explained to her that I can't even get worked up about that right now; I just have my head down to the grindstone working on the process.

She herself has done a dossier and gone through the same process (but it was a long time ago and things happened so nothing worked out--a long sad story that is not my place to tell). So she is probably reliving some of those times.

She said she felt like everything was on her shoulders to get it done and get it right, and she was hugely stressed until the dossier went off, and then it was ahhhhh, and she could relax and not worry anymore. I suspect I will be similar.

Yes, I get stressed, but I have to manage it so I don't get overworked. And there are some things that I deliberately try to not think about too much to avoid additional stress and frustration. Such as how long this is taking! Or how much longer we will wait to be matched. OR any number of things that could go wrong.

I do sometimes have mini fantasies about having our daughter home, the kinds of activities we might do together, the kind of challenges we might face. It's not so much the picking her up in China that I fantasize about; it's holding her at home and singing to her, or reading to her and showing her things in her world. That's why I need to be a parent--to share the amazing cool things about the world. And cuddle. And support and be firm when they test their limits. Taking her to the park, having a morning routine.

(... thinking about having our daughter home...........)


Anyway, I got all defensive when my friend asked and assumed things about my process, trying to be what felt like overly hopeful. She said that when she was waiting, the process started moving faster than they had been told.... Like she was trying to get me excited about maybe only a year. It took all my emotional strength to tell her, no, it was 12-14 months when we started, and then it went to 15-18, and now it's 18-24 and could easily get to 36 months before we are matched; and furthermore, any slowdown/speedup because of new requirements will happen behind us, not in front of us! I had to give her the little mini-lecture of how RQ and others have analyzed the number of dossiers matched each month and the number going in, and how the pile keeps getting taller and taller.... So I let her know that I could not even afford to start hoping for a 12 month turn-around!

So I did ok responding to my friend, but I definitly got more worked up than I'd like. I guess I don't like to be hurried into somebody else's fantasy (my friend never got to go to China). I know I get grouchy at being "pressured" by somebody else's emotional reaction. I just hate it. I know I am too-easily affected by other's emotional waves, I am too sensitive, I know, so I have to be super-vigilant against having my own stuff confused with somebody else's stuff. It took me many years to learn this about myself! But I function better if I am aware of and protect my sensitivities. (See: The Highly Sensitive Person, etc, eg http://www.hsperson.com/pages/hsp.htm with much interesting stuff.)

Anyway, I have been reflecting on how to do a better job of protecting myself and managing other people, as it were, because having a conspicuous family, this won't go away. And I don't want to be a bitch on a regular basis. You should have seen me when I was younger! Hoo-boy! lol But I have developed a thicker skin and am more comfortable with myself in the last few years. It's one of the advantages of gaining age. :) I have NO patience with others trying to define me, or trying to speak for me, or determine how I should act or be. I've lost a few so-called "friends" while I was growing out of allowing that. Sooo At least I have the stamina to see what others are doing and react with wry humor or a level of firm politeness. I guess I will do okay; I just know there will always be work to do.

I just don't know the answer to well-meaning friends and family who pop in without being part of (and therefor rarely aware of) the long, grinding process. Yes, I'm STILL doing paperwork. Welcome to my life.

In the Doldrums

Not much going on here, recently. I mean, there is, actually. I have started my courses and have been enjoying them, although it's taken me some time to shift gears enough to give them the proper amount of attention. Must do homework!

But with the paperchase and all, things have slowed down to a crawl. The large packet of documents came back from the embassy a while ago. I was briefly alarmed because the authentication certificates had some Sonya Somebody listed instead of Condi, whereas the other docs had the Secretary of State's names on the form. My agency quickly set me straight... apparently somebody named Sonya Somebody signs things for Condi? Or something?? Okay, as long as the embassy has authenticated them with the proper seal, I guess I don't really care! But in that case, why hasn't this "Sonya" signed our last two documents by now? They are still up in DC awaiting the vital signatures for the last two weeks. I swear, it's like watching a rabbit go through a python..... ie boring and even more lengthy than anticipated. I am just trying to stay calm about this wait, 'cause you know those last docs THEN have to go to the Chinese embassy in DC for another intermitable number of days and weeks, and Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigggghhhh!

So yes, I am trying to stay calm and occupy myself with other things.

It does not help when a friend asks me... "but I thought the last time you talked about this months ago, you were almost ready to send things off to be translated then" Yeah, well, *I* was ready, but the documents take their own sweet time.

And see, this is *exactly* why I don't share the process with too many friends or relatives. It's bad enough to be waiting on the minute details of the process. It's even more annoying to have other people asking you why it isn't done yet. And I don't want to be tempted to swear or scream in public.

I did get an opportunity to vent and roll my eyes when one of my mother's friends passed on some "adorable pictures" of her girls to me. Now, I didn't know this person at all, and as my husband pointed out, the question still remains: why did she know anything about our adopting since I'd asked my parents to not share that with people, huh??? But anyway, I guessed immediately that the only reason she was giving me pictures of her children that I don't know is that she had, yes, Chinese daughters! Whee! That for some reason she thought I would want to see their pictures since I was adopting. I still don't get this. I told my Mom that it was like an infertile woman having other people's babies thrust at her. My IF sister nodded her head...
I just do not get this. It's probably some misguided effort to be supportive, but again, other people's adoptive children do not automatically thrill me. I mean, I like children a lot, and I like meeting and talking to them as the people they are, but to assume that I will be more interested or like them more because they happen to belong to a particular group is just addled. And it's always awkward having people thrust at you for whatever reason.

Meanwhile, one acquaintance who was "thinking" about another adoptive child when we started the process has already LIDed. Meanwhile, an old acquaintance who got married the same day we did has had his child home two months! Yes, I feel jealous that we are that far "behind." I know they had both had earlier experiences that moved them along the process. I don't know why. It makes me sad. My husband pointed out that at every step along the way, we resisted having to shift to a new strategy and a new set of ideas. And it takes a while to get to the point that you feel good about where you are going and can shift strategies to make those life-changing decisions with some level of confidence or at least resoluteness.

* * * * * *

When I think about how long it took us to be convinced enough we had a problem... Well, I was concerned, but everyone else, including my husband, was very laid-back about things panning out. We knew so many people who had had their first child in their late 30s and early 40s, so we were just gleeful about having children ourselves even though by medical standards we were "old." We didn't realize we also knew a LOT of people who had *never* had children because of other, unexplained issues like IF. So yes, we see what we want to see. We don't like to think we have a problem.

Another big thing we were told was that there's no need to worry because "sometimes it can take a couple years for an older couple to conceive." Older meaning people older than 30-35! So we were encouraged to bide our time. MEANWHILE during all that waiting our parts were aging into crinkling balls of useless geonome material!!! Oh no, they don't tell you THAT. At least, not that you ever want to hear. Even the first doctor or two we saw were incredibly blase about our dwindling chances. Only one friend who had gone through her own saga of heartache ever told me that I shouldn't wait, and I was too convinced that we would end on the good side of the odds to listen. I was pissed when another friend was giving me grief about "waiting" during that brief period of time of "planning." Ha ha ha! So to be fair, we did not want to hear the worst. M the eternal optimist had to be convinced by repeated failure, even with medical intervention.

Nobody wants to hear the worst, even if it's happening to someone else. So when we tried, early on, to share what we were going through with other people, all we got were ridiculously blind platitudes and dismissive reactions. NO-body wants to hear about bad or sad things going on. Even another friend who had gone through her own IF story kept wanting to tell me that she "had a feeling it was going to happen" for me, which pissed me off no end. At least with her, I finally told her that it really didn't help and in fact made me feel worse because somebody else's feelings weren't going to up my odds. She's since become more sensitive. But I still end up catching other friends saying and doing things that are just obliviously mean. Like playing the odd tune: "It's so chic to be pregnant at christmas" at a holiday party so that we can all appreciate it. Someone who should know better if she had bothered to think about it. But yet, I have hid most of my reactions to these insensitivities. I LOOK like I'm doing okay. And mostly, I am doing okay. But still, it's like rubbing a raw patch to have people do and say these kinds of things.

* * * * * * *

When I saw my old acquaintance with his new [adopted] baby, I didn't press for details. I said--how wonderful and how old is now? And how long has he been home, and I'm so happy for you! Not wanting to rub any nerves about age, I opened up my mouth to say that I knew that the developmental age tended to get reset at adoption, but I got drowned out by another well-wisher and shut it again. I'm thrilled that he finally has his son. I don't really need to say anything else.

He told me that he was an incredible amount of work, but that the joy outweighs the work. And he said thanks for the good wishes. :) Can I get an Amen?

Five Lessons on a slow day

I'm feeling slow to keep moving forward with IA procedings now that Christmas preparations are competing for attention. Despite being "so close' to finishing the dossier. (It's all those editing decisions.) However, I have a few recent points to note.

We got our birth certifs back via F@d Ex, although one now has to go to the Secretary of State office of its state of origin. Turns out the documents from Vital Statistics, etc are sooo official that we didn't have to send it way over there to the county office first after all. Doh! Waste of $30, that what with sending it by Special delivery foreward and back. :( But the lady from the county office was nice enough to call me long distance and explain that specifically, so even though I felt dumb, I at least was clear on what was going on.

/First Lesson: Read the damn instructions before you send money! / :)

On the up side, I just got the special goodies for thank you presents to all of our references. Handmade goodies that are particularly scrumptious and beyond my own skills. For which we paid lots of appreciative money. It involves chocolate. Yeah. Say no more. If you are one of our references who wrote us such nice letters, you have already been wallowing in the results of our gratitude. :) Yum!

/Second lesson: Appreciate the people who help you. /

I'm waiting to hear from either of my two friends who are due any day now, and --who know!-- could be in labor as I type. I trust that eventually I will hear the news.

/Third lesson: Enjoy other people's success and good news. Everyone deserves to be happy./

One of said friends sent me a nice little thank you note for my shower present, letting me know about her expected maternity leave and expressing a desire that I come and visit her and the baby during their time at home. :) I am looking forward to that! Unfortunately, she then added a "good luck in building your own family" to the end of it. Errrr WTF? A little gratuitous pity? Yeah, I guess she is feeling guilty that it's her instead of me about to give birth. But WHY draw my attention to that fact? I guess she couldn't go without mentioning that. Thanks. It makes it SO much easier to maintain my composure and genuine good wishes. [ahem] Anyway... as I was saying...

/Fourth Lesson: Guilt sometimes causes one to say insensitive or intrusive things when it would have been better left alone. /


/Fifth and Biggest Lesson: I hope I have enough wisdom and sensitivity to avoid being an ass to others by accident. /

Showers and opinions

At the baby shower, there were lots of blue things, plush toys and clothes, and some cool items like a portable baby bed, and ultra practical things like a diaper geni@ which apparently is the going thing. It was short and sweet with snacky things and colorful Noah's Arc plates and tea cups and good wishes. Fun stories about plump breast-fed babies and child care plans... light and congenial.

It was a fun time. Many of us had not seen each other since the bridal shower/wedding. The only down spot was one woman who started up on a complaining kick giving opinions about all kinds of choices that didn't seem to have any bearing in her own experience. She held forth on what another woman friend did with pacifers, then about what she did with nursing. The final annoyance was how this other woman put a crib pad *over* all those cute sheets. The complainer just didn't like it, didn't think it was "cute." lol No sh*t, she said that. I wanted to leap out of my chair and reassure my friend that just because people were going to give her all kinds of advice, that she did not have to feel pressured by ANY of it. But I sat back and thought calming thoughts. lol Nobody else in the room said anything, either. My friend, to her credit, did not engage much with this at all. She finally laughed and said, "I imagine that cute will give way to practical." Perfect!!! I admire her attitude. She's still the open and humorous person she was when we first met in college. Not a mean or pretentious bone in her body. And I still have a few weeks to make headway on a baby quilt.

Early showers

I'm going to a baby shower for a good friend tomorrow. I got cute little warm socks and a Winnie the Poo long-sleeved, striped onesie. It was the best little outfit I could find that was not either sickeningly pink or blue (good grief) and not too expensive. But this one is cute and not too scratchy. I have disdain for scratchy baby clothes. It's also of a size that he can grow into all Winter and Spring. Yeah, I am happy at my find. ... I also have quilt plans in the works, but that project is running slower... I still have about 4 weeks to work on it if he doesn't show up early.

Interesting that I have gained a certain dispassionate distance about other people's pregnancies. I even spent some time with pregnant friends for a relaxed work-related meeting last week, and (surprise!) did not either avoid or dwell on the matter.
I think I have a new focus since we decided to pursue adoption. It's a relief after all this time to not have to obsess over my body and what it is or isn't doing, what substances go in when and how and for that matter (on the extreme end), why the hell are we denied our happiness. To not have to worry about the physical stress of it any more. Or for that matter, to not have so much emotional reaction when other people bring it up. Well, ok, I still have reaction, but it's channeled a little differently. More snark and less tears. hehehe! Should that be my new motto?

Six months ago, I would have been dubious about my going gracefully to anyone's baby shower, even for a good friend. Now, I am almost looking forward to it! I *am* looking forward to it. I am happy for her, and I'm almost happy it isn't me feeling so highly uncomfortable in these late stages. As long as people don't start acting hyper sensitive or insensitive towards me, I think I am going to do ok. Not the hyper awareness of "how difficult it must be" for me (gag), nor the obliviously callous questions and assumptions. Even if so, ... eh... I will still do ok. I am more matter of fact. I have closed that door so that people don't stumble over junk in the dark and break something of mine.

In any case, I don't have to *host* this shower; I can show up and have fun and then go home and not linger if it gets unexpectedly painful. I can just go wheee! And how exciting!! I get a honorary nephew. :) hee hee And also think--better her than me. And then contemplate a baby quit for my own little girl down the road...

homestudy & conversations

A couple weeks ago, we went to our federal fingerprinting appointment in the next largest city in the state. Nearly 3 hours of travel each way, about 1 hour of waiting for our numbr to come up on the display, and then 15 minutes of rolling our digits on the digital plate. It was actually pretty cool.

The technician sprayed my fingers with a bit of water mist and then swabbed them off with a towelette to get the perfect amount of moisture so that my fingertip grooves would splay out correctly on the fingerprint reader. After my finger was plopped down, he rolled it gently to get it centered and then rerolled from one edge to the next with a mouse click to start recording on one edge. Very cool. Even more clean than the local fingerprinting (which still uses ink and a more brusque roll). My tech guy said, well, the local cops probably do not go home at night and practice their finger rolling technique! lol All I can say was that it was neat to watch! I want a copy of my prints!! But no, the federal gov is propriatory about their prints. My digit record will remain in perpetuity... until our form expires in 18 months and the prints will mysteriously become invalid. Yeah, you know how we all change our digit grooves every year, like changing the smoke alarm battery on my birthday. Ding! So if we are not so lucky in wait times (as you know most of us are), we will get to do this all over again in 2008...

But meanwhile, we tracked down a last piece of paperwork to complete the homestudy. Had to apply to a different state to have that last piece of paperwork sent, too. We also completed as much documentable "family education" as necessary to be acceptable on the form. M toook a couple hours and read through a very good website on attachment so I could finish the form. That;s under the 4everfamily.org. Very informative website. M was impressed (and informed!).

We also have the draft of the homestudy! Only one small typo to fix, and then we are done with that phase. Whoo!

Our next big chore is to finish the documents for the dossier. We have several documentation and dimplomatic letters to write and acquire. We are still trying to get more pictures of us with other people. This has almost been more frustrating than anything else. It's amazing how many pics we get that are really not going to work. Either everybody is looking in different directions or somebody has a disgruntled look on their face, or the pic is aimed at our knees... So we force friends and family to pose for more versions every time we see them! We hope to get a few more from M's family when we visit over Thanksgiving. Of course, we will also have "the talk" with M's parents. We are trepidatious, but I also have some confidence that they will want us to be happy and will be happy for us, even if they may not agree with what we are doing. Who knows--maybe they will be thrilled! They, it's the only way they will be getting grandchildren out of us at this point.

--
Had a good talk with one friend last week. She is trying to be patient about our desire to not talk about everything all the time. Or not share so, so much. She thought I wasn't sounding "excited enough" when I told a few other friends, that all that came through was the "anger" at the process (her word). For starters, I was downplaying the announcement knowing that it was going to take f***ing *years* to have a real baby in arms, and the ^gleee!^ factor was just killing me. It feels premature. Also, I am more cautious about announcing things knowing how our baby plans keep going awry!!!!!! How about that?? Maybe I should not have told that one friend until later... Kept saying she was "proud" of me, but it was really rubbing me the wrong way. We want a child and we are taking reasonable steps in that process--how do I feel "proud" about that? When I objected, she changed it to "so excited for you." That's a little better. :) hehe Yeah, what *would* be acceptable to you, Marie? :) I mainly don't enjoy other people's reactions trying to overwhelm my own. Putting one foot in front of the other and trying to watch out for sneak attacks of crushing disappointment. Forgive me for being wee bit cagey? defensive? wait and see? Way self-protective? Yeah, all that.

Anyway, I know this one friend (who is actually one of my closest friends) hates being left in the dark and feels constrained about not being about to talk and ask about it. My take on this is: just who is she doing this for? Does she want to talk about it to take care of her own emotional needs or is she at all concerned about considering my needs as one of the primaryly impacted parties??? Eh? I tried pulling out some of my emotional complications to show her *why* I was less inclined to have other people tromping over my tender feelings. If I hold other people off, it's purely self-protective. Many/most other people do not get difficult and traumatizing it has been coming through and out of infertility. They think it should be all hunky dorey now and still give us thoughtlessly callous advice and remarks. Consesus in the IF world (that I have seen) suggests that they are wanting to make themselves less guilty or anxious, not so much as actively wanting to hurt/help us. Eh, whatever. Meanwhile, I still have to take care of myself. Therefor, there are a lot of personal things I don't discuss.

On a related note, this same friend was again tut-tutting that M & I don't have "anybody else to talk to." I tried saying, well, no, we talk to *each other*, and that is what keeps us going. I feel lucky that we have been so supportive and understanding of each other and our individual processes in this whole ordeal. She doesn't get this. I told her rght out that it was worse to try to talk to people who did not understand than it was to not talk about it at all. That is was a like a survivorship situation, where people who had undergone IF were in a better position to really understand what it was like for others, like some cancer survivors find it most comforting to talk to other cancer survivors. For me, trying to talk about IF and related issues to non-IF people is overwhelmingly an exercise in frustration and infuriation. Man, they just walk all over my heart! And don't even realize that they are leaving muddy boot prints behind... So, heh, is it *understandable* that I dont go out of my way to talk to that random "other" people? I read and post to blogs with like minded people. I talk seriously with my sweetie. I distract myself or work harder on what I can do. THAT helps.