The Inner Critic

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Isn't it interesting how the inner critic jumps up almost immediately and starts picking away at us? The more ambitious the project, the more vociferous the "helpful" comments. It's almost guaranteed that if I do something large and possibly spectacular that the inner critic will be right there to tell me all the ways it is wrong, could be improved, or is just plain crap. Even when the inner critic has a valid point (needs more editing), it rips into it with petulant glee... No, not helpful.

Also interesting how Kyran recently wrote about the benefits of The Artists Way. I confess I have had this book for years. Decades, it feels like. *pauses to go look at book* I've never persisted all the way through the exercises, although I've read and marked it up extensively. I'm sure it would be beneficial (for me to go through the real program) rather than approach it piecemeal.

The value for me at the time I first had this book was realizing that the man I was with would do anything than allow me to be the artist I was. Ironically, I had learned to tolerate all sorts of emotional abuse, but I eventually sustained the will to leave *because of my art*. I saw that if I did not leave, he would manage to drown the artist I was in the bathtub, sort to speak. Classic crazymaker. Now of course, I carry the internal critic with me, but that's another matter. At the time, I observed myself acting as if from behind a screen. So I didn't leave for myself, but for my art. Hey, gal, whatever gets you going. :)

I don't often get nervous on stage or at a presentation any more, at least with the ones that I have found a good groove with. Unless it is a new one. Then I get nervous and irritable beforehand. M is familiar with this state I get into, especially leading up to a new endeavor or presentation. Once I am in the flow, I am completely absorbed in the task, and too happy to worry much.

But then, afterwards, oh my god.

I have learned to anticipate the internal critic's tactics. If I didn't do so well, I will hear about it immediately, but that's valid. I can even judge a not-so-great evening fairly evenly these days. M says I am seeing myself more accurately... taking in both the strengths and the weaknesses and learning from both without becoming over-inflated or overly-self-critical. So, yea me.

But the morning after... ohhh, the morning after. Even if I have done a marvelous, bang-up job, in *particular* if I have done an amazing job (!), and there's lots of details for me to mull over and congratulate myself on a job well done... that's when the inner critic wakes up and begins to lash me for any tiny false detail it can find...
I wish I were kidding.

The first few times this happened (depression and nit-picky criticism after an astounding success), I was just carried along. Oh, the weeping, moping, and self-loathing. Oh, the What the Hell Is This? Because, you know, I had been, often, pretty darn masterful and here my critic was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find *something* to throw at me, so Whaaa??

After a while, I realized the pattern, and I've learned to roll with it a little better. Yeah, yeah, internal critic, huh? I must have done a fabulous performance for you to be coming out today! Yeah, too bad. I'm feeling pretty good about it regardless...

My mantra is often: There's always something more to learn, something to improve.

In fact, one of my workshop coaches gave me a great concept: She says that mistakes are our friends because it shows us where our learning point is. What a concept, eh??

This turns the internal critic somewhat on its head. I am enjoying successes, but almost enjoying the mistakes.

-- huh, that's a new one! I'll say.

-- no, no, the mistakes are for feeling wretched, you worthless fool! the critic will moan.

I just smile and go on. --oh, hi critic. it's you again, huh?

The inner critic is a little baffled. --WTH? why isn't she falling over in despair?

--not today. I smile and go on.

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