writing therapy on mortality

Well now, THAT was therapeutic! Really it was. Snark aside, it was helpful to me to write that out and see some of the patterns. Helpful for me to even read it later. Helpful of me to articulate perspective. Helpful for me to be helpful to my friend, and good luck to them, too.

One more memory rises to the surface...

* * * *
Scene One:

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: Oh, honey. It must be so hard...


Scene Two: (a couple months later)

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: (Again? Um, that sounds a little insincere.) Well, I'm sure I will someday. I have to realize that at some point in our lives, one of us will die and leave the other alone. It's sad, but it's inevitable. I just have to live my life the best I can until that time.
TW: ... !!! (Huh? That wasn't what I wanted to hear! What is wrong with her, dammit? I'm the one who needs sympathy!) (doubtfully) Well, just I hope you don't have to suffer like I've suffered...


Scene Three: (several months later)

TW: I hope your husband dies! I hope you suffer like I've suffered! I hope all your children die!
Me: !!! (Okay, that tears it!) (profanity censored)

* * * *

Ironic that she tried to curse me with suffering a terrible loss because I am already all too aware of that inevitability. So here I am in my life, periodically being gripped by the fear that one day one of us will leave the other in death. That inevitable loss. Not because that person cursed me long ago, but because I am all too aware of how easily and quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

Is it worse if I lose M or he loses me first? Either way is pretty bad. Pain and suffering and sorrow all around, no doubt about it. Then I have to shake myself and remind myself to live today. Today, even the mundane day, is pretty good. Loss is inevitable. So is renewal. Every day another day to live with love and wonder. I'll take as many years, days and minutes I've got.

* * * *

Winter Sun

I have never noticed that the winter light makes me depressed before, but this year, it's been more obvious. A gray day even with a good mood to start, and I feel quiet and glum.  Sunlight lifts the spirits amazingly so.   

This really hit home today today.  I was sitting in the living room and enjoying my morning, but subdued. The sun suddenly came out and started gleaming in from the porch, and my heart lifted almost immediately.  Wow. That quick, huh?  It seems that more (sun) light translates into more energy and happiness for me. 

Some days I just tear right along, feeling good and energetic and productive, or at least at peace.  Other days I just feel low, glum, lackluster, discouraged and/or unmotivated.  I'm not always sure what dictates this from day to day. Amount of things on my to-do list? The level of perceived barrier between me and my goals? Lack of green vegetables? Lack of enough sunlight? Strange dreams?  Hmmm. Could be. 

Up to now, my only reliable way to positively  affect my mood has been to listen to music.  Either something calm or laid back when I am stressed, or something more energetic when I need extra motivation to get moving.  I often play a feel-good CD when I am starting to wash dishes or any house cleaning. The lift from the music helps get me over the hump of starting the chore, whatever it is.  Sometimes I can use music when I work on other projects if it is not too loud or too lively.  Interesting that it seems to help me (settle down/pep up) and focus at those times.   I might be able to work the sunlight angle too. 

Things that help me settle/focus/gain energy:

Music (ahhh)

Clear spaces (must declutter more!)

Quiet space (such as early morning or late night)

Having a clear idea of what I want to do and the steps I can take to get there (that always helps!)

Spending time away from the internet (doh!)

Meditation and yoga (time to reflect and refocus)

Walking or hiking

Green peas, also, a handful of walnuts or a bit of brown rice (Don't laugh. These really help me settle.  Good quality food improves everything.) 

Completing some routine task (like sweeping the floor, washing a set of dishes, putting away clean dishes or laundry) that allows me to feel I have accomplished something and ready for the next thing 

Sometimes this is "clearing out the mental cobwebs," and sometimes it is "priming the pump."

Sunlight?  Must investigate the possibilities! Fortunately, I live in a house with many windows and in a climate with many sunny days.  Ironic that I can't tolerate much direct sun at all, but yet I need it.

Then, things that bring me down:

Too much time on the internet (it can be fun, but draining)

Too much chocolate or caffeine  (induces mood swings; the highs and lows are both bad, bad, bad)

Too much sugar (sugar or aspartame headaches are the worst!) 

Ignoring the thing I need to do (it only gets worse)

Being reminded of toxic people/situations I have known 

Mood diary?  Food diary?  More time in real life?  I am thinking so.  

More sun, when I can get it.  

NaBloPoMo - structure and improv

NaBloPoMo Nov 30, 2007

Yea! It's the last day of NaBloPoMo.

I can say that if nothing else, I have learned how to remember the acronym. hehe
But wait, there is something else. I did actually write every day--my main goal. I did explore various topics and thoughts--a secondary goal. I also explored ways of writing something when no inspiration was forthcoming--a happy rediscovery of using stream-of-consciousness writing to generate writings.

Now I'm almost surprised that somehow the month has gone by.

It's been a good exercise for me. Sometimes one has to "practice your scales and persevere." To make good art, sometimes you have to be willing to make bad art. And it's good for me to start letting go of, not my standards, but of my perfectionism. Such as: everything has to be just right; it has to be worthy of exposure to public air, and all that crap.

Well, the slow and steady approach actually works. Improvisation actually works. Preparation and practice actually works. Revision also works. I can't remember who said that good writing is in the editing. I've found that to be true in my writing process, but good editing was not my goal this month, it's more about letting go of my perfectionistic needs, not being too be hard on myself for not living up to some wildly unrealistic ideals.
Karen Kohlhass (a NY based theater director and teacher, among other things) wrote something about this, too. See? FlyLady works for all kinds of people. ;)

Anyway, it's part of the creative process... not waiting for inspiration to strike, but doing your scales, keeping the skills toned and honed so that when something especially important comes along, one can sweep into position and play it for all its worth.



I've been trying to be more improvisational with my life the last few years. I once took a wild and out-there, movement-mind-voice, not-quite-yoga class that helped me into this idea. One of the exercises we did several times was to practice a single movement until it felt familiar, and then to play with changing it in small ways, moving into larger variations, riding the impulse to see where it took us before coming back to the original movement to see how our feelings had changed about it.

It was way cool, the power I had; I realized I could improvise with almost anything! It's very different than just flailing about, trying to do something completely different, although sometimes that is what you arrive at.

I saw that my life was an improvisational canvas too. I could play with my usual ways of doing something. That's an incredibly valuable perspective when I get caught in trying to do something "perfectly" or worse, not even attempting something because I think I will fail at doing it perfectly. So life improvisation saves my sanity on a regular basis, freeing up energy for trying new things, just seeing what happens.

I can fall into a habit quite easily. Sometimes I find a good fit, and if it feels comfortable, I will stay there, using that same strategy or sequence or habit until it doesn't work any more. Now, when I talk about improvising, I am not talking about changing for the sake of change, necessarily, but I am a big fan of minimizing the time I spend on unimportant decisions.

My thoughts are partElaine St. James
(Inner Simplicity and Simplify Your Life), part Steven Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People), and part efficiency expert
a la Frank and Lillian Gilbreths in Cheaper By the Dozen
(the book, not the movie). [Oo, linkies]
and FlyLady again for structures and routines.

If something is non-vital, I want to just find what I like and what works and stick with it. Why make that same decision over and over and over again? Waste of my energy, and it's not as if I don't already have plenty of other stuff clamoring for attention in my head. :) So, I simplify where I can.

Sometimes I will prioritize my decisions. What can be decided upon relatively easily and/or is not that important, and what requires more thought and/or has a weightier import. It's a skill I didn't realize I had, until I noticed other people who seemed to get easily bogged down in what seemed to me to be relatively trivial decisions.

Caveat (of course): sometimes I get bogged down too! Too much detail, too many pieces, too many decisions among many. Oo, bright thing! Oo, another possibility! Whoa, man, that is totally cool! Next thing I know, stuff is whirling around in my head, and I'm stuck trying to make order of it.

So yeah, I can get completely lost in the fragments and bogged down trying to sort through those possibilities at times. Yet, when I CAN manage it, triaging my decisions helps me streamline my thoughts. And wow, that is a great feeling.

Sometimes I DO have a very specific idea of what I want, and that's cool too. Visualizing the outcome clearly is sometimes an even better guide to getting where I want to go. But if I don't know exactly where I want to go, I doodle, perambulate, mull things over, try new variations, improvise a little! And even with the lemons that life hands you, well, one can always make lemon meringue pie, lemon sorbet, lemon-lime palettas, grate a little peel into coffeecake batter, not just make lemonade.

Sometimes it's so freeing to not have the "perfect" outcome in mind, but to throw myself in the general direction and see where it takes me. Having ONLY a perfect image in mind almost guarantees that I will not achieve that thing. Besides, sometimes I can't visualize the perfect thing until I play around enough to know what I want. It really helps me to have my structure and routines in place first (thank you FlyLady), then improvise from that. After all, I do deal with a lot of unstructured and structured time in my life.


... and finally, sometimes, it's good to, know when to stop, let the dough rest. Now that I've done this structure of NaBloPoMo month writing, I can improvise, and see where this blog is taking me. So I'll let this one rest now... let it fluff a little and come back to it. I can't wait to see what happens next!

* * * *

The Inner Critic

* * * * * *
Isn't it interesting how the inner critic jumps up almost immediately and starts picking away at us? The more ambitious the project, the more vociferous the "helpful" comments. It's almost guaranteed that if I do something large and possibly spectacular that the inner critic will be right there to tell me all the ways it is wrong, could be improved, or is just plain crap. Even when the inner critic has a valid point (needs more editing), it rips into it with petulant glee... No, not helpful.

Also interesting how Kyran recently wrote about the benefits of The Artists Way. I confess I have had this book for years. Decades, it feels like. *pauses to go look at book* I've never persisted all the way through the exercises, although I've read and marked it up extensively. I'm sure it would be beneficial (for me to go through the real program) rather than approach it piecemeal.

The value for me at the time I first had this book was realizing that the man I was with would do anything than allow me to be the artist I was. Ironically, I had learned to tolerate all sorts of emotional abuse, but I eventually sustained the will to leave *because of my art*. I saw that if I did not leave, he would manage to drown the artist I was in the bathtub, sort to speak. Classic crazymaker. Now of course, I carry the internal critic with me, but that's another matter. At the time, I observed myself acting as if from behind a screen. So I didn't leave for myself, but for my art. Hey, gal, whatever gets you going. :)

I don't often get nervous on stage or at a presentation any more, at least with the ones that I have found a good groove with. Unless it is a new one. Then I get nervous and irritable beforehand. M is familiar with this state I get into, especially leading up to a new endeavor or presentation. Once I am in the flow, I am completely absorbed in the task, and too happy to worry much.

But then, afterwards, oh my god.

I have learned to anticipate the internal critic's tactics. If I didn't do so well, I will hear about it immediately, but that's valid. I can even judge a not-so-great evening fairly evenly these days. M says I am seeing myself more accurately... taking in both the strengths and the weaknesses and learning from both without becoming over-inflated or overly-self-critical. So, yea me.

But the morning after... ohhh, the morning after. Even if I have done a marvelous, bang-up job, in *particular* if I have done an amazing job (!), and there's lots of details for me to mull over and congratulate myself on a job well done... that's when the inner critic wakes up and begins to lash me for any tiny false detail it can find...
I wish I were kidding.

The first few times this happened (depression and nit-picky criticism after an astounding success), I was just carried along. Oh, the weeping, moping, and self-loathing. Oh, the What the Hell Is This? Because, you know, I had been, often, pretty darn masterful and here my critic was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find *something* to throw at me, so Whaaa??

After a while, I realized the pattern, and I've learned to roll with it a little better. Yeah, yeah, internal critic, huh? I must have done a fabulous performance for you to be coming out today! Yeah, too bad. I'm feeling pretty good about it regardless...

My mantra is often: There's always something more to learn, something to improve.

In fact, one of my workshop coaches gave me a great concept: She says that mistakes are our friends because it shows us where our learning point is. What a concept, eh??

This turns the internal critic somewhat on its head. I am enjoying successes, but almost enjoying the mistakes.

-- huh, that's a new one! I'll say.

-- no, no, the mistakes are for feeling wretched, you worthless fool! the critic will moan.

I just smile and go on. --oh, hi critic. it's you again, huh?

The inner critic is a little baffled. --WTH? why isn't she falling over in despair?

--not today. I smile and go on.

* * * * * *

I read the news today, oh boy.

Another two teens killed in a car accident this week. Why why why??

Nothing but youth and inexperience. Overcorrecting mistakes that turn out to be fatal. Often the overcorrection is the mistake, not the original error. How to teach avoiding such a thing?

Kids these days being hit by the immutable fact that we are not immortal. It's one thing to lose someone to old age. There is some sense to it. But the random errors that turn deadly. It's not what most of us could predict. It gives the impression that death comes at random, at any time. It's not such a bad lesson, really, but how painful and sad.

I remember the first time I was shaken by accidental death. I had already lost three grandparents, but to me, they were old, so I had learned this happened when people got old and physically worn out. Then 15-some years ago, a good friend of our accountant at work suffered a single car accident. Coming home from an event in the middle of a rainstorm, she hydroplaned on the highway, hit something... She was in a coma for less than a week before her family decided to turn off the machines. It was so sad, so wrenching. It was worse, not that I even knew her, but watching our colleague suffer the anguish. Later someone printed a B&W photograph that they had taken of this woman and framed several to give to her friends.

This had a huge emotional impact on me. It seemed so mercilessly random. I remember crying in church "this could have happened to any of us!" And a woman telling me (she thought, kindly), this is the kind of thing that most people learn when they are much older...

Well, how old do you have to be to lose a friend or loved one?

The last several years, the deaths have picked up. I've lost friends to lung cancer, brain tumor, complications of breast cancer, pancreatic cancer (that sucker moves fast),Alzheimer's, more than a couple to bizarre unexplained heart illnesses that moved either fast or slow. There is no age that is immune, unfortunately. (I do actually know many other people who have *survived* brushes with cancer or accidents.)

The very worst have been those friends I've lost to murder and suicide. The community pulled together admirably each time, but we worry and fret that they could have somehow been prevented, that we didn't HAVE to lose them. Not even accidental, these deaths, but deliberate. No rest for those left behind. In fact, the trauma of the deaths still leaves chaos in its wake, 3 and 5 years later. Lives survive, but relationships may either strengthen or crumble under the stress... This too I learned.

This has the overall effect of leading me to periodically ponder and obsess over the next random thing. That and really appreciating the friends and other joys of my life. I've learned a lot about how to die gracefully. I've learned a lot about how to protect oneself while mourning. I've learned how to be more supportive of others. I've learned the path of grief as it progresses through the body, through a community. I've learned to not assume anything. I've learned that there are few certainties, so to make the most of it.

Oy, what a downer post! Well, it's life: heart fulfilling and heartbreaking. Another two teens killed in a car accident this week. I read the news today, oh boy.

* * * *

Favorite Distractions and Meta Blogging

I hardly know what to do with myself recently. Not that *that* is especailly uncommon, but I have a lot knocking around in my head.

I'm not doing that great in either of my classes, although I enjoy them. Sometimes the amount of information is overwhelming. I can see how it all fits together, and I can relate to that feeling of flying when it all comes together, but I'm not there yet, myself. I can do it in my other work, and I love it. In this new area, I'm still trying to get up to speed, or at least out of 2nd gear.

I sometimes take a long time to really get comfortable with new information. I currently feel I am being thrown into an amorphous situation in which I am asked to do more than I can figure out. Or rather, without more concrete parameters. I'm sure many people in a similar situation would have no idea what I am talking about! However, for me, my need for clear organization (and wanting to get it right) is really slowing me down. For example, being asked to come up with a lesson plan for some abstract class is just killing me. I brainstorm and come up with enough information to make 5 different levels! Yet I then have a hard time "deciding" what to program for because I don't have an actual class to work with and try things out on (unlike in my other work).

I am thinking to throw myself into a volunteer opportunity to make things more concrete for me. I actually learn better by *doing*, but I need the space to do something without my performance being explicitly judged, because then I just freeze up and don't want to risk exposing myself as imperfect.... *sigh* It's an unfortunate inheritance from my perfectionist parents!

So there's a volunteer opportunity which --on top of classes and all--would max out my weekday evenings for the next several months. But! I'm excited about it, too. I can learn only so much in my classes. I need real people to work with. I am trying to push myself to make progress here.... *ugh* So it's not my best situation, although I love the variety of other students in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've been distracted by other things.

* * * * * * *

It's only another few weeks before we go on our big backpacking trip. Without going into identifying details--hehe :) --I can say it's probably a once-in-a-lifetime event. We will certainly go backpacking again, but this particular trip takes so much effort--physical, financial, investment of preparation and time--that it may not happen again in the next decade if ever...

Anyhoo, my sister and I have been training for this the last several months. She's more out of shape and the least-experienced of any of us, so I have been working to help her become acclimated to the back-packing experience. It's actually been fun. Tonight or this evening, she, my Dad and I all went out for a hike together before dusk, while M stayed home and worked on his ever-present pile of work.

Today I remembered to bring our bathroom scale so we could all check the weight on our packs. We were all at about 30-35 lbs. That's 10 lbs. more than I want to carry on the trail, but tonight I had both our new tent and the new sleeping bag, when in practice, my husband carries the bags and cooking gear, and I carry the tent and extra fleece clothing. So when I first put the pack on tonight, I was like--OMG! But after 10 minutes of walking, my body adjusted enough that I forgot all about how heavy it was. I love it how my body does that. That adjustment happens every time I backpack. Then when I put on the pack, my body almost welcomes it. The pack is well broken in, so it rides comfortably and it's a familiar load... Even the usual hip bruises feel familiar.

Honestly, I feel pretty good. I've been carrying various weight loads for various miles throughout training. I don't feel achy afterwards or the next day. Tired, yes, and maybe a little sore in the feet or hips (sometimes shoulders, but the hips carry most of the weight), but achy and painful... eh, not really. In fact, I recently feel somehow "lighter" and physically more "alert" and lively. It's hard to describe, but I notice it now.

And on a similar note, I noticed this week that --amazingly enough -- my belly is getting smaller and my thighs are getting slimmer. I thought I was imagining things at first. M has been very encouraging. He reminds me that he also has to work, work, work for a while on his fitness without any apparent change, and then all of a sudden, things look and feel different.

I would love to get back to my college weight, back from when I could eat anything and still look like my cute skinny self (haha!). I'm assuming that won't happen, seeing as I really love my little truck, but I'm starting to dream that I'll get away from my relatively sedentary self I've become. Now that I'm not sitting in front of the computer for 12 hours a day and all that...

* * * * * * *

I'm also still distracted by my current work/love. I just love, love, love it! It's unfortunately virtually impossible to scrape together a living at it (and/or without traveling way more than I want to be away from home and M), but I still love it. I love helping people and helping them accomplish things while having fun. But meanwhile, when I try to work on other projects, it's calling me subliminally! I'm always looking at new material or practicing another presentation or looking for new gigs to undertake... And there is always more to learn and improve and/or speculate with my similarly-minded geek friends! So it's an perpetual distraction! :)


I also love my list of blog reads. I know, I don't have anything up on the blog. I had some once upon a time, and when I switched blogger accounts, that all went away, and I've been too lazy to even try to recreate it! But I have a great list of blogs and sites that I check in with daily, weekly or periodically. It's fun to run across people who write well, humorously and authentically and who make me laugh and make me think, inspire me and sometimes provoke me. I like sharing the small slice of their life and thoughts that they put out there for the rest of us. I like being exposed to different viewpoints, even if sometimes totally new and potentially uncomfortable. I read from other adoptive moms and dads, birth mothers, bloggers from various identities and life experiences. It gives me a lot to think about and process. On some issues such as birth and identity politics, I don't force myself to even decide what I think; I let things percolate for a while. Sometimes I read for sheer unproductive entertainment value, because somebody is just too funny. I feel for people undergoing challenging and painful times; I've been there myself at various times.

Recently, I've been searching for new readings, new finds. I go exploring and see who's out there. I put some new links in my bookmarks and try them out for a while. Some of them turn into keepers and favorites. I try to comment periodically, if I feel like I have something--anything!--worth saying!

I've lucked into a good streak of finding neat and interesting women bloggers recently. Most of them do not have one particular issue or topic that they fixate on (not that there's anything wrong with that! :)) but write about their lives with, of course, their predominant interests. I bask in their writing. ... Hmm I wonder if I need more women friends of this nature... I mean, more friends IRL (in real life).

... I've also been thinking about blogging and how some people manage to let a lot of their lives hang out--not in a bad way, but letting us see more of them. I always struggle with that because I am both expressive and private. I want to spill it all and then constantly rein myself back in. Haha! You can imagine my internal dialogues when I blog. So far, I've been blogging mostly about our adoption process. The blog has been a place to vent, or to note aggravations and triumphs along the way since it's so frustrating to try to talk to friends IRL about much of this.

I have been so inspired by some recent bloggers that I want to try talking more outside the adoption box. So I'm trying out the idea of revealing more of myself without outing my identity on the internet. To be more authentic and more multi-dimentional. Yeah, good luck with that, I tell myself. :) Well, it's a start. Thanks for listening.

* * * * * * *

The Power of Saying Yes to Possibility

The Power of Saying Yes to Possibility

I love when I have so much energy and possibilities opening up, new things to put on the schedule and prepare for. New possibilities open up as long as I keep saying "yes!" to them. Lots, lots, lots. Staying open to the flow. Riding the wave and preparing for the next. Life is good.