Getting Back On the Bike to Do Scales

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Last weekend was the busy sort in which I had endured a lot of preparation and sweat to get myself into the proper zone, then poured ALL of myself into each event (thereby leading to grand success, but wait...), then collapsed exhausted in a pool of post-performance reflection. What a charge! I love it, but then, yes, I had to spend some time recovering... It was a little unusual to have two back-to-back. Two very different crowds. But anyway, I have been coasting the rest of the week. Sunday, I don't think I even got dressed-how sad is that? Each day I say, hmm, what do I need to prepare for tomorrow? So I've not been working ahead of schedule as I prefer. I suddenly realize that I have several projects that haven't gotten as far as I had hoped by the end of this month. Ach, darn.

I know it's a cycle. To expend so much energy for a big burst, and then crash to replenish, but I still have things to maintain on a daily basis. Yesterday I finally started picking up around the house again, cleared out the hallway and took that load of stuff over to goodwill, washed various things, cooked dinner, looked at (but didn't work on) upcoming projects, etc.

YUP, I have to get back on the bike and start pedaling, even when the rest of me is saying "huh?" Yes, "Do Your Scales And Persevere." I usually think of this as referring to creating art as an artist, but these days it's as much about keeping the ball rolling (or in the air) in the rest of my life. For god's sake, Don't Drop The Ball! :D It's very useful, this getting back on the bike to do scales. (Can I mix metaphors or what?!)

On the creative work side of things, it's useful to cultivate improv skills. Even today, I was supposed to meet someone for the first time and had received minimal info to go on. NO idea of their existing skill level or interests or goals, only age and gender. I prepared like crazy... then hours later thought (just before bed), yes, but what if they are a total beginner? ...And prepared some back-up plans for if I had to wing it. But then, I always end up winging it because you just don't know your student or your crowd until you actually meet them and work with them a little. So today was another opportunity to use some of what I had planned, but in different ways... and that's actually ideal! Adapt to the circumstance and ride with it! I get a charge out of that as well, and lots of ideas for my next plan.

Can a body and psyche adapt to adrenaline? I think so. It can be nerve-wracking in the beginning. Prepare, prepare and OMG what if I completely screw up and it all falls on the floor and urrrr--I look like an ass? And then one learns to think on ones feet: plan, adapt, change, observe, adapt... Then it becomes a dance, a work of mutual art of mutual benefit.

The first time, after the roller coaster ride is over, one is completely wired for a long time, and it fades very slowly, leaving one drained. I'm sure there are medical terms to describe how this impacts the adrenals (or in some kind of impact loop). Then as one gains experience and confidence and strategies for all those times one has to--quickly!--adapt, it becomes like riding the waves--still exhilarating, but more of a dance between yourself and the others that you are guiding and coaxing. It *is* like dancing. Somebody is nominally in charge, but ever-alert for shifts in the air, the need for micro-changes in direction and intensity, the plan held clearly but lightly... And the highs and the lows moderate just a bit.

Ah. Pause to replenish. Time to do some more scales.
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Toasted

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I've been noticing a giddy air of silliness sweeping around the blog sphere like a virus. It seems especially prevalent among NaBloPoMo-ers. I speculate that it is correlated with the "hump day" of NaBloPoMo. Everyone has been posting for days and weeks, and we are getting a little punchy from the effort. Can't sustain perfectly serious-thoughtful-well-written-humorous output every day.

When I went to a special seminar/ week-long camp a couple years ago, my coach there warned us early on that most people would get "a little toasted" mid way through the week. It was inevitable that everyone would stay up too late, try to do everything, engage in all sorts of concentrated work and silliness... and then get emotional, irritable, wacky, go a little nuts and/or retreat.

And that's exactly what happened. Everyone had their signature breakdown moment, some more noisily, some more quietly. It was just human nature to react to the extended push, especially as we were pushing ourself away from our usual familiar environment.

And we had been forewarned to give ourselves and others a little slack for just such an occasion. But, whew! That was a little stressful. Because our usual trajectory was what? a long weekend? We are not used to running on creative adrenaline for long stretches, unless we have worked up to it and have learned strategies to pace ourselves.

Notice anything this week? Yes, some of us are getting a leeetle bit punchy. It's funny, this mostly cheerful wailing. Fortunately, we've been forewarned to give ourselves and others a little slack. haha. Bullet points do not offend me! The synapses are firing madly, trying to keep up with demand. New synapses are being built all the time. It's physically tiring work, I always tell my students. And yet we keep on, even when we falter. Keep on keeping on!

A toast! To all NaBloPoMo-ers heaving themselves over the hump! There. You've been officially toasted.

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The Inner Critic

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Isn't it interesting how the inner critic jumps up almost immediately and starts picking away at us? The more ambitious the project, the more vociferous the "helpful" comments. It's almost guaranteed that if I do something large and possibly spectacular that the inner critic will be right there to tell me all the ways it is wrong, could be improved, or is just plain crap. Even when the inner critic has a valid point (needs more editing), it rips into it with petulant glee... No, not helpful.

Also interesting how Kyran recently wrote about the benefits of The Artists Way. I confess I have had this book for years. Decades, it feels like. *pauses to go look at book* I've never persisted all the way through the exercises, although I've read and marked it up extensively. I'm sure it would be beneficial (for me to go through the real program) rather than approach it piecemeal.

The value for me at the time I first had this book was realizing that the man I was with would do anything than allow me to be the artist I was. Ironically, I had learned to tolerate all sorts of emotional abuse, but I eventually sustained the will to leave *because of my art*. I saw that if I did not leave, he would manage to drown the artist I was in the bathtub, sort to speak. Classic crazymaker. Now of course, I carry the internal critic with me, but that's another matter. At the time, I observed myself acting as if from behind a screen. So I didn't leave for myself, but for my art. Hey, gal, whatever gets you going. :)

I don't often get nervous on stage or at a presentation any more, at least with the ones that I have found a good groove with. Unless it is a new one. Then I get nervous and irritable beforehand. M is familiar with this state I get into, especially leading up to a new endeavor or presentation. Once I am in the flow, I am completely absorbed in the task, and too happy to worry much.

But then, afterwards, oh my god.

I have learned to anticipate the internal critic's tactics. If I didn't do so well, I will hear about it immediately, but that's valid. I can even judge a not-so-great evening fairly evenly these days. M says I am seeing myself more accurately... taking in both the strengths and the weaknesses and learning from both without becoming over-inflated or overly-self-critical. So, yea me.

But the morning after... ohhh, the morning after. Even if I have done a marvelous, bang-up job, in *particular* if I have done an amazing job (!), and there's lots of details for me to mull over and congratulate myself on a job well done... that's when the inner critic wakes up and begins to lash me for any tiny false detail it can find...
I wish I were kidding.

The first few times this happened (depression and nit-picky criticism after an astounding success), I was just carried along. Oh, the weeping, moping, and self-loathing. Oh, the What the Hell Is This? Because, you know, I had been, often, pretty darn masterful and here my critic was scraping the bottom of the barrel to find *something* to throw at me, so Whaaa??

After a while, I realized the pattern, and I've learned to roll with it a little better. Yeah, yeah, internal critic, huh? I must have done a fabulous performance for you to be coming out today! Yeah, too bad. I'm feeling pretty good about it regardless...

My mantra is often: There's always something more to learn, something to improve.

In fact, one of my workshop coaches gave me a great concept: She says that mistakes are our friends because it shows us where our learning point is. What a concept, eh??

This turns the internal critic somewhat on its head. I am enjoying successes, but almost enjoying the mistakes.

-- huh, that's a new one! I'll say.

-- no, no, the mistakes are for feeling wretched, you worthless fool! the critic will moan.

I just smile and go on. --oh, hi critic. it's you again, huh?

The inner critic is a little baffled. --WTH? why isn't she falling over in despair?

--not today. I smile and go on.

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Tiny Details and Larger Themes

The other birth certificate came back from the New York Chinese Embassy. This seal is a fancy silver & holographic seal on a small green form pasted to the back of the certificate. Very sharp-looking. The other one from Chicago added a separate page with red stamps. More "traditional" looking with all the red if you know what I mean. Interesting to see how the authentications differ from embassy to embassy.

The final copy of our homestudy finally arrived late last week, with a copy of what was sent to the CIS office, and two copies of the dossier country report, one for the dossier and an additional copy.

Of course, there were a few details that grabbed my attention and made me wonder whether we should worry about them. My philosophy is if we need to worry about doing something, we should get it done NOW!

So of course I had to contact my placing agency to see what was going on. I really don't bug them that often. This is only the second time I have contacted them about *anything* in the dossier process, but it is always some picky little detail that I don't quite believe in the documentation. In this case, I had to ask about some little detail showing up in our homestudy, but not being required in a separate report. It's been drilled into my head how important it is to have the homestudy and documentation match, and here was this errant detail that had no supporting report at all!! This was after we had been told we didn't need a separate report by our homestudy agency, blah-blah-blah :) So of course, I was like: whaaaa?

No doubt this was another instance of conflicting information that messes with my head...

... Such as the *additional* issue about whether the notary's commission expirations date needed to be good at the time that the match is made. The homestudy notary has barely a year before her commission expires, so naturally I was anxious, I mean, concerned. hehe

But when I called my dossier contact, she said neither of those issues were a problem. Being the picky, detailed-obsessed person that I am, I asked again for confirmation about the notary commission expirations, asking really, because I had heard that could be a problem. At THAT, she gave a sigh like she had had to answer to this question way more often than she'd like and said, "That's an unfortunate rumor." Paradoxically, that was convincing enough to reassure me that she wasn't holding out on something I should worry about! lol

Boy, did I feel like an idiot, though. I'm also a little disappointed. I was hoping for a little more hand-holding in the process. I am mostly very self sufficient, making lists and coordinating the various documents comings and goings like air traffic control. It's only on these little details that worry me, and then I need a live person to tell me that it's really, truly okay, that I've done exactly what I need to do.

So now that THAT's officially A-Okay (and my contact thinks I'm a flake), we sent off the homestudy and new document on their rounds together, (kee hee!) like the big sister taking care of the little sister. Wheee! If we are lucky, that will come back in time to get sent to DC this week, and then we *wait* until Ms Rice comes home to sign more documents... and then send them out to the next embassy in line and *wait* some more.... *whew* It is rather exhausting at times.

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Last week, I met my mother for lunch and had a good visit. I was telling her about the current state of the paperwork process, and about the list of blog posts on "Why China" which she was also curious about. I ended up telling her more about our decision-making process (which I will write up at some point), and even about the length of time (years) we had spent trying various other options, mostly medical.

I have to admit, I sometimes bludgeon people a little with black humor and gory detail if they get too breezy about our trials. If they want to dismiss all of OUR pain, yes, I CAN share details of loss and medical procedures and injectables and such--to help THEM feel a little part of our pain. Then they tend to think oops! Maybe it wasn't so easy afterall. Doing my small part of educate others. :) heheh

Of course, I have gained enough distance from those traumatic times to use them as a defensive weapon if necessary, to laugh and make jokes about what we went through. If I make somebody wince, I am not that sorry. Maybe they will be more sensitive to stepping where they don't belong. Cold of me, huh? Okay, I do try to be subtle about it, but the impulse to be blunt IS there. I am not obvious in my guilt trips. I am matter of fact, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes that does feel blunt.

Anyway, I was rather blasé about needles and such. After a while, my mother mused that she had not realized until some of our conversation this Christmas how much we had "gone through" before we pursued adoption. Not that we should share all the personal details, she hastily added. I'm taking that as a chagrined admission that she has not always been as sensitive to our situation as she might have been. No, not really. I mean, she was acknowledging that there was more to our process than she had been privy too. That we had good reasons for doing what we do, and she respected that.

Overall, it was a good conversation.

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On a completely different note, last weekend was chock-full of performance and success, acknowledgment and new opportunities opening up. I have no end point plotted out on this particular path, but I love what I'm doing! It's so satisfying that I will keep following it and see where it goes as long as its working. It's too self-identifying to speak about in detail here, but it works so well with my personality and aptitudes that it would be painful to NOT pursue it at this point.

Even my new variation on teaching will be quite interesting. The director of the program I'm soon starting asked me what I wanted to do with the certificate. I laughed and said I don't know! Maybe this possibility x, maybe that possibility y, maybe both or something altogether different. Maybe it will not work at all, but it has been calling to me, and so I owe it myself to explore the possibility. See where it leads me...

K has been leading me to think of the creative process again. Cool stuff. As the saying goes: ... dance like nobody's watching... For me, I add: live like your whole life is a work of art. It's not pretty like some art. Well, some of it is. Some of it makes friends and family say Wow! But most of it is messier and more fluid than others are sometimes happy with. But it does not help it develop if I try to cut it down to size to fit inside a particular box or frame. Living OUTside the frame, yeah. Being open to the flow and see where it leads me.

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Naming Concepts

Lisa V’s Question: How did you decide on your blog's name...?

Whither Thou Creative Spirit?

When I first set up this blog, I didn’t want to pigeon hole myself into any one topic, although rants on certain topics do come up with regularity. Also, I couldn’t decide at the time WHAT I wanted the blog to focus on. I figured I would create its identity as I went. Or it would. I would start somewhere and let it happen. Well, how very appropriate: a free-form creative endeavor… Which leads me to my next point…

One thing that is constant is the concept of the creative energy running through everything, so close it’s within us. It connects everything. We can empower ourselves to tap into that energy and create something new every moment. Less this sound overly New-Age-y, let me say this is not so much a religious idea as a concept of fundamental principle of existence, intrinsic to the nature of everything. Some people might call that god. I do not choose to name it with a name with so much existential baggage. It’s independent of any denominational characterization.

So therefore: Creative Spirit. And Thou. And Whither because I remind myself it’s right here, and the phrasing feels appropriately reverential and poetic with a touch of whimsy. And Just Because.

Shiny Happy Universe

On other topics, I am trying to make my life more of how I want. I want clear space to breathe? Okay, then, make the commitment to clear space! I am trying to launch off the things I already do well. F'r instance, I have to have a clean tub, so I scrub it to shiny squeakiness at the first sign of soap scum. I know it's weird, but a shiny clean tub makes me happy. I like sweeping my floors. I like pinching the flower heads off the basil to keep it growing happily. I like the tasks that show immediate results. I feel happier for having done them. The challenge is to do the same for tasks that have gotten overgrown and messy beyond the easy prune.

I read something once years ago that prompted one of my desktop affirmation mottos: Inner Peace Through Daily Maintenance. I can't claim to have written that, but I hang onto that when things seem too overwhelming. It's the whole Bird by Bird philosophy (see Anne Lamott) married to the idea of a regular system. Some quotes:

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Author unknown/unremembered:

"IN HER INTRODUCTION, she explains why housekeeping is important, and why it should be revived. She articulates what I had never realized when I was fluffing the sofa pillows and cleaning windows. Thos chores have very little to do with being meticulous and clean, she says. Instead, they are the means to psychological well-being. It doesn't really matter how someone folds a towel. but it provides a foundation if a person has a system for folding towels..."

Oh, yeah. I like my systems.

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For balance:

"Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials. " -- Lin Yutang

The crucial concept here for me is the concept of "essential." What is essential and what is not so important? Ah, it's all in the deciding, is it?

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And something from me:

The universe gravitates towards order and then towards chaos. Like a huge animal breathing, or the sea fluctuating between tides, the universe continually pulses on both cosmic and minute scales and every scale in between.

Ther are random peaks and valleys in states or order and chaos. Even within the larger swings, there are ongoing fluctuations. So a state of chaos might grow, then peak, then start coming back to an ordered state.

Some say the natural state of the universe is order. Some say it is chaos. I tend to say: both!

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... but as much as I appreciate the possibility of creative chaos, I prefer creating order and balance. Something aligned with beauty and purpose. Life aligned in balance. That's the larger pattern that makes me sing in happy synchronicity. Oh, to avoid the distractions. ha. But I like my distractions, my chaos! Then the small pool of order stands out so clearly, and reminds me of what that's like, pulls me with yearning (like the moon) again towards alignment. Order and chaos, like the tides.

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