writing therapy on mortality

Well now, THAT was therapeutic! Really it was. Snark aside, it was helpful to me to write that out and see some of the patterns. Helpful for me to even read it later. Helpful of me to articulate perspective. Helpful for me to be helpful to my friend, and good luck to them, too.

One more memory rises to the surface...

* * * *
Scene One:

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: Oh, honey. It must be so hard...


Scene Two: (a couple months later)

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: (Again? Um, that sounds a little insincere.) Well, I'm sure I will someday. I have to realize that at some point in our lives, one of us will die and leave the other alone. It's sad, but it's inevitable. I just have to live my life the best I can until that time.
TW: ... !!! (Huh? That wasn't what I wanted to hear! What is wrong with her, dammit? I'm the one who needs sympathy!) (doubtfully) Well, just I hope you don't have to suffer like I've suffered...


Scene Three: (several months later)

TW: I hope your husband dies! I hope you suffer like I've suffered! I hope all your children die!
Me: !!! (Okay, that tears it!) (profanity censored)

* * * *

Ironic that she tried to curse me with suffering a terrible loss because I am already all too aware of that inevitability. So here I am in my life, periodically being gripped by the fear that one day one of us will leave the other in death. That inevitable loss. Not because that person cursed me long ago, but because I am all too aware of how easily and quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

Is it worse if I lose M or he loses me first? Either way is pretty bad. Pain and suffering and sorrow all around, no doubt about it. Then I have to shake myself and remind myself to live today. Today, even the mundane day, is pretty good. Loss is inevitable. So is renewal. Every day another day to live with love and wonder. I'll take as many years, days and minutes I've got.

* * * *

I read the news today, oh boy.

Another two teens killed in a car accident this week. Why why why??

Nothing but youth and inexperience. Overcorrecting mistakes that turn out to be fatal. Often the overcorrection is the mistake, not the original error. How to teach avoiding such a thing?

Kids these days being hit by the immutable fact that we are not immortal. It's one thing to lose someone to old age. There is some sense to it. But the random errors that turn deadly. It's not what most of us could predict. It gives the impression that death comes at random, at any time. It's not such a bad lesson, really, but how painful and sad.

I remember the first time I was shaken by accidental death. I had already lost three grandparents, but to me, they were old, so I had learned this happened when people got old and physically worn out. Then 15-some years ago, a good friend of our accountant at work suffered a single car accident. Coming home from an event in the middle of a rainstorm, she hydroplaned on the highway, hit something... She was in a coma for less than a week before her family decided to turn off the machines. It was so sad, so wrenching. It was worse, not that I even knew her, but watching our colleague suffer the anguish. Later someone printed a B&W photograph that they had taken of this woman and framed several to give to her friends.

This had a huge emotional impact on me. It seemed so mercilessly random. I remember crying in church "this could have happened to any of us!" And a woman telling me (she thought, kindly), this is the kind of thing that most people learn when they are much older...

Well, how old do you have to be to lose a friend or loved one?

The last several years, the deaths have picked up. I've lost friends to lung cancer, brain tumor, complications of breast cancer, pancreatic cancer (that sucker moves fast),Alzheimer's, more than a couple to bizarre unexplained heart illnesses that moved either fast or slow. There is no age that is immune, unfortunately. (I do actually know many other people who have *survived* brushes with cancer or accidents.)

The very worst have been those friends I've lost to murder and suicide. The community pulled together admirably each time, but we worry and fret that they could have somehow been prevented, that we didn't HAVE to lose them. Not even accidental, these deaths, but deliberate. No rest for those left behind. In fact, the trauma of the deaths still leaves chaos in its wake, 3 and 5 years later. Lives survive, but relationships may either strengthen or crumble under the stress... This too I learned.

This has the overall effect of leading me to periodically ponder and obsess over the next random thing. That and really appreciating the friends and other joys of my life. I've learned a lot about how to die gracefully. I've learned a lot about how to protect oneself while mourning. I've learned how to be more supportive of others. I've learned the path of grief as it progresses through the body, through a community. I've learned to not assume anything. I've learned that there are few certainties, so to make the most of it.

Oy, what a downer post! Well, it's life: heart fulfilling and heartbreaking. Another two teens killed in a car accident this week. I read the news today, oh boy.

* * * *