Tuesday, January 22, 2008

writing therapy on mortality

Well now, THAT was therapeutic! Really it was. Snark aside, it was helpful to me to write that out and see some of the patterns. Helpful for me to even read it later. Helpful of me to articulate perspective. Helpful for me to be helpful to my friend, and good luck to them, too.

One more memory rises to the surface...

* * * *
Scene One:

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: Oh, honey. It must be so hard...


Scene Two: (a couple months later)

TW: (Morosely, sighingly) Oy! Oh, I hope *you* never have to experience this...
Me: (Again? Um, that sounds a little insincere.) Well, I'm sure I will someday. I have to realize that at some point in our lives, one of us will die and leave the other alone. It's sad, but it's inevitable. I just have to live my life the best I can until that time.
TW: ... !!! (Huh? That wasn't what I wanted to hear! What is wrong with her, dammit? I'm the one who needs sympathy!) (doubtfully) Well, just I hope you don't have to suffer like I've suffered...


Scene Three: (several months later)

TW: I hope your husband dies! I hope you suffer like I've suffered! I hope all your children die!
Me: !!! (Okay, that tears it!) (profanity censored)

* * * *

Ironic that she tried to curse me with suffering a terrible loss because I am already all too aware of that inevitability. So here I am in my life, periodically being gripped by the fear that one day one of us will leave the other in death. That inevitable loss. Not because that person cursed me long ago, but because I am all too aware of how easily and quickly our loved ones can be taken from us.

Is it worse if I lose M or he loses me first? Either way is pretty bad. Pain and suffering and sorrow all around, no doubt about it. Then I have to shake myself and remind myself to live today. Today, even the mundane day, is pretty good. Loss is inevitable. So is renewal. Every day another day to live with love and wonder. I'll take as many years, days and minutes I've got.

* * * *

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