family stress fractures

Earlier this year, we heard that this couple we know--let's call them family friends--has been having a rough spot. It's been building up the last few years, but this last year has seen some open dissent. We only got one side of the story, but we were not in a position (or lacking enough tact) to go interviewing other impacted parties to get a bigger picture. And it's not as if we haven't already observed (as it turns out) critically important aspects for years. "Oh, that explains a lot..."

M and I are both a little concerned. No, a LOT concerned. We don't want to think that their marriage wouldn't survive, but this recent upheaval is pointing out all the stress fractures in the family. Mostly that some stresses have reached a critical point so that the different sides are acting out in their individual feelings of frustration and anger. It's one of the usual sticking points--job and time and money and identity and how one or the other is being controlling or over-managing every major decision or thought. I guess one can "manage" these issues for only so long before one has to really deal with them.

It's easy for me to say this or that person is dragging their heels, resisting like hell, trying to blow or keep the lid on. Maybe you never want to think of yourself as ever getting a divorce, but there's still stuff to deal with... better to deal with it than having it blow up in your face. Defusing a b0mb is a delicate and dedicated task no doubt, no less than defusing the pressure in a marriage. *duck*!!

Mostly, though, I can see the impact on the kids. Angry, anxious, afraid. I really worry about them. This last time on the phone, it was ... interesting, the older kids were holding themselves at a distance emotionally and younger kids especially were bickering and nattering anxiously (in contrast with their usual delight when we call or visit). And certain adults didn't even come to the phone to say hi. Aaargh. The whole scrim of polite social interaction was pretty thin. It was a little disconcerting, but I was reminded again --they are ALL stressed.

So I worry about all of them. I worry about the couple.... I can see the fault lines, but even if I see some things they are doing that make it harder on their relationship, I am not in a position to tell them so. Thank goodness for counseling. Hope it's doing some good, but I'm not sure. If the kids are the canaries in a coal mine, things are still pretty tense.

So I worry about the kids too. How hard to be so young at these various ages and have the security of your parents be so uncertain. I've never seen them so... disaffected is the word that comes to mind, but how can that even make sense if they are actually so *highly* affected?

We try to be good relations in their lives. We talk and play with them, snuggle when we are there in person.... We try to be another set of adults who take a positive interest in them, who have known them since they were babies, who cheer them on. These days I see them having some disappointments with their parents that are threatening to be life-long. It pains me that I was not more sympathetic the last time the one kiddo brought it up (trying to explain it away rather than saying "that must have been very disappointing"). It was awkward... as if the one thing that may or may not have been his Dad's fault was standing in for all the other ways he's feeling let down.

*sigh*

I know, I know. every couple has their sticking points, their "rough patch." The kids are just so vulnerable at that age, at any age. So, I worry.

Random Things of Happiness, with a side of bittersweet (a short list)

* * * *
1. Happy Second day of Hanukkah! It's also about two weeks away from the Winter Solstice and less than three weeks to post-Christmas letdown, I mean relaxation. I am all about the Holiday(ies) of Lights. Bring back the light!


2. One of my neighbors surprised me with a visit and a plate of brownies. I was so touched and flabbergasted by this sweet gesture, I vowed to myself that someday I will actually have neighbors over. Maybe not soon, though. Christmas CHAOS and all that.


3. I just saw a picture of the sons of one of my ex-es. I was pleased and tickled to see they look like fine young men. One of them is even married now! But I was unprepared for the wash of sadness on seeing them. When I broke up with this long-ago ex (or rather, he with me), one of the hardest parts afterwards was missing his youngest son... we had become friends, and developed a bond beyond the necessary contact during my dating his dad. During the breakup, in addition to the usual pain of the situation, I also felt anguished that this ex o' mine was acting in ways detrimental to his son learning about good relationships, if that makes any sense. So it was a hard thing, to just cut off that relationship with the youngster so suddenly. I've often wished there had been opportunity for a better transition for both of us.

Well, over the years, I've forgiven my ex enough to talk with him civilly when we run into each other and even chat on occasion, and I'm always glad to hear news of his son, what he's up to and what he's trying and accomplishing. But, damn! I have not seen this kid (no longer a kid) for 10 years now. I am very glad that he appears to be happy and living a good life. I've seen some of his work, and I'm so proud of how he's worked so hard to make amazing things of his talents! *sniff!*


4. Yea for holiday concerts and plays! We have a weekend full of events, and some of them are even free! This is one of my favorite parts of the Christmas season - the wealth of music and stories. So far, I have a play, a performance and a choral concert lined up. Somewhere in there we will get our tree too...


5. I am still in love with my husband. In fact, I sometimes notice that I still get infatuated with him, and feel all goofy, which is an odd thing when one is married. I just look at him, and my heart beats faster. He's indescribably handsome and dear to me. He's mostly bemused by this. I'm so glad we share our lives.


6. I've enjoyed meeting with my students this year. Whether for 2 months, 6 months or 11 months, we've been able to learn some things, teach some things, and yes, enjoy our time together. It's always a bonus when one comes to appreciate each other beyond the student-teacher connection, or even within that. The bittersweet part is that two of my students are leaving the country at the end of this month. Their time for being here is fast running out. I have only two-three more sessions with each of them. *sniff sniff* It's sad to say goodbye to those you have been working with over a period of time, even though you know that time is not forever. Time to move on to new stages of life, new connections, new projects... A teacher's empty nest is soon filled.


7. There is a cyclical nature to everything that can be reassuring, even heartening. Now is the season for nippy weather, possible snow, colored light and busy schedules, of baking and newsy letters and reconnecting and sometimes guilt over unmet plans. I see the pictures on Flickr, and how often does the glow of the lights come through the photo stream. It's another one of those images... another one, again. It looks much like past years. And yet, it's that time again! ...The glow of the lights as another family, another person, another generation touches the warmth of community for another year. It's bittersweet, because those who lack and crave it are sometimes adrift, feeling shut out, unconnected, uncared for. We do our best to share the light.

8. Happy happy, Joy joy.

* * * *