Concurrent Thoughts

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As the wait becomes more and more firmly pegged into 3-years-and-counting territory, I find myself fantasizing about a concurrent adoption. It seems agonizing to wait for another nearly 4 years (maybe), which is only a fraction of the past 9 years that we have been thinking of having children, but still!

My mind cannot quite reconcile with another adoption as reality though. (Reading back on this, I think--whaat? Why did I write that? It's just that there are many conflicting factors that don't make that an easy choice.) At least not yet, anyway. Several reasons. If we do adopt, say, domestically, I would want to continue with the original China adoption. But then who travels to China and who stays home with our other little one? Would it be easier for me to go? (I'll probably know more Chinese than my husband) But wouldn't that be hard on our other child to be separated from their mother? Or do we drag that child to China as well? Yikes! Then we'd need another helper to come with us, and not sure who I'd want that to be (not my mother).

Other considerations:

I am not wanting to adopt from another country. I just cannot get excited about it. (Although that could change... I just don't feel it right now.) Strange that I feel so strongly about China! Maybe I am so invested in that culture and language that I cannot envision the energy and enthusiasm for another country.

Meanwhile, even if we did want to look at domestic adoption more seriously, we'd have to take on the whole mess of being chosen as parents. Part of me digs in my heels and refuses to take part in that kind of competition. I am very uncomfortable with having to "present" ourselves to be acceptable with a birth-mother individual, and angry at the anticipated judgments. I don't want to have to hear how we've been turned down by this or that person, and my reaction is to take us out of the pageant to begin with.
My fantasy is that a child will need a home and we will be in line to be considered... Like one doctor's son who fell into their lap. Like another friend who is currently waiting to see if a baby's extended family wants them... I know this is pure fantasy, but there it is. We'd still have to put out the word somewhere. Maybe we could talk to our home study agency and let that be known, although we have NOT signed on with them for any kind of placement, you understand, so we might have to pay more money for further evaluation and representation... Although that IS a possibility, IF, and big if, they would allow concurrent adoptions... I haven't even looked into this seriously, but it's one avenue.

From what I have heard, it's the home agencies more than the CCAA who does not want/allow concurrent adoptions. So much would depend on how this other agency views that. Do I need to convince them that there's no way that we would be placed with a Chinese child within the next two-three years? Because another child would have to be at least a year old (and home with us at least a year) at the time of our China match...

Okay, and lastly, what about the expense of it all? What would it cost us to start up a concurrent adoption? More agency fees since our first agency is China only. We'd probably need another home study. At least our house is a little cleaner than during the first one! haha! We have been de-cluttering the place after years. But I don't think we'd be able to afford paying medical expenses for a pregnant birth mother. We're not *that* well off, and we're already a little unhappily stretched because of the first adoption expenses. Then on top of that, part of our current plan is for me to work more the next couple years to bolster our savings. So by adding another child, does that just blow that plan out of the water?

Anyway, I'm just thinkin'. M and I have already talked a little, not in any kind of Big Talk way, but more like checking in with each other and sharing ideas. We've agreed that if it looks like the wait will go much beyond 3 years, then we'd definitely be up for looking at other, concurrent, adoptions. We are not ready to go all gung ho for another adoption right this very instant. But the wait news never gets any better. I know it's been only 4 months or so since we have been LID, but the news, my dears, is very bad. We keep hanging on, but yes, I am looking at other options.

On another note, I have been telling all friends and family who know about our China adoption plans that the wait will take at least 3 years... Most recently I told this to a good friend who was instrumental in making us look at China adoption more seriously. I was quite surprised when she jumped in and made reassuring noises. She sounded almost defensive. It hadn't even occurred to me until then that she might be worried to be blamed for getting into this interminable wait. It's true that if she had not given us so much good information about our agency that we might have gone down a different route; that's the truth. But now that we are here, we are still committed to China adoption. I'm just looking at the wait and looking for additional options.

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Wait Blues

I've been recently feeling a bit blue with the wait. It's not so much having to wait so long, having to occupy ourselves and watch my friends' children grow up while we wait. It's more a bitter sweet feeling that my daughter may miss some things, windows of opportunity. Like, my friend's son will be rather older than my daughter instead of just a little older. Rats, anyway!

Our cats are getting older, and I find myself worrying about them dying before she gets to know them. They are very sweet, albeit quirky, cats. I find myself worrying that they will be suffering health problems by the time we have to travel. As much as I long for my daughter, I have a fear of leaving my kitten boys behind if they are not well. They do okay with us gone for a weekend. They have even survived a couple weeks or longer on occasion, but they are not exactly secure and happy with it. They are my existing babies, so I have a dread of "abandoning" them for too long when they get older, and perhaps accelerating their decline if we are not around to care for them as usual. I had a sad, traumatic experience with an earlier cat, so that is probably coloring that feeling.

And then, these are the perfect cats for a child to know! I'm worried that by the time our daughter is with us, the cats will not have their personalities intact and allow her to know them as individuals. Well, I suppose it could be educational and all to experience the death of a pet, but in my minds eye, I have always imagined ourselves as a family with these particular cats. It would be like having little furry brothers. lolol : D But cats are not necessarily long-lived, so it makes me sad to think that our daughter may not know these cats as we do.

Then, I worry about my parents as well. They are still reasonably healthy, but they are getting into the range of elder health problems and sudden death. Yeah, lovely. I'm not even so freaked about about the impact on myself, but it makes me sad and worried at the possibility that my daughter may not know her grandparents. If we have to wait another 3-4 years, how able will my parents be to BE that grandparent and have a relationship with her? Actually, knowing them, only death or dementia would keep them away from a grandchild! And that's reassuring. But still, it concerns me. I lost a grandparent when I was quite young; I regret not knowing her and having real memories of her. My in-laws are even older and in poorer health than my own parents (not that they are exhibiting any excitement about this adoption), so I am a little anxious trying to imagine which of the four will still be around to know our child.

I know it's just the unknown future. I usually try to shrug off the future, saving my energy for things that *actually* happen instead of things that *might* happen, but sometimes I can't help wondering and worrying.

In my head, I calculate some of the numbers. So here we had been hoping to get our daughter through college by the time we are ready to retire. By the time we are at retirement age, though, we'll be in the thick of paying for college, which is itself a scary thought! No kidding. Here I wonder about having enough to retire, and my kid will need more resources to make a better life for herself. Not sure how we are going to wangle that! I guess the college fund needs to get started. Maybe I won't retire... :P

I also worry about her not having enough "people resources" as she gets older. Her family will be aging. Parents, aunts, uncles and cousins will be out of generational range. At least one cousin so far will be within her own age range, and even she may be a number of years older by the time my child comes home, but maybe old enough to be that older cousin! Well, that may work out... I really wanted her to have some generational family relationships. My sister could have another child; my other sister could adopt domestically. Ya never know. Of course, by the time she gets here, the next generation of babies will be born among friends, family and church friends. No doubt there will be scads of kids her age if current church demographics are any indication.

Also, I can worry myself about relative ages. When she is at 20 years, we'll be old and wise. haha! When she is at 40 years, we may be old and decrepit! Ack! When she is older than us now, well, we may be dead. :( And no, this does not make me feel too old to be a parent, just that we may have less time than ideal.

I feel extra pressure to help her become self-sufficient and able to stand on her own two feet as she comes into young adulthood, and confident, unlike, say, myself at a younger age! But I don't want to push her, either, which could cause her to feel unsupported. She needs her babying and time to know reliable care. It's a tricky edge to navigate. I'm just aware of how long it took me to become really my self-sufficient self, and I want to able to be fully there for my daughter as she negotiates her own levels of maturity.

I guess so much of my anxieties come from knowing that so much can change in a few years. I want to do the best for her. So much could go wrong in those intervening years while we wait... Illness, financial difficulties... or even overwhelming career success! Gosh, that would throw something in the works. I get to worry about astounding success. Some of that is already happening, and I find myself wondering what the heck I am going to do in a few years when I may have to reign in my work related activities. I am trying to get some projects done beforehand, to see how much I can get out of the way before she comes home. Ha! Not unlike I have attempted in the past!

The fact is, I don't know. I can't really plan for good or bad and base decisions on that. I had been putting off some work and life decisions for years thinking I'd have a child any month now, yes, for *years*. I'm done with that. I have to pursue the rest of my life and not wait for it, just as I have pursued being a parent (and not "waited" for it to happen, although we did wait to get married to our ideal person first). Even the wait: I have already pursued IA wholeheartedly... and now I pursue the rest of my life wholeheartedly while I wait for this other parent-endeavor to bear fruit. But meanwhile, I am really sad that our circumstances may be very different by the time our daughter is matched with us. I wish I could stop time so that our daughter gets our best *right now*.

I know it doesn't make sense. I actually do have time to prepare during the wait and get things ready for her arrival. I'm just sad thinking of the time going by... and she's not here with us to experience and enjoy it. I want my baby here.

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As Long As I Live ~ Koehler/Arlen
Lena Horne, 1944

Baby, I can't live to love you as long as I want to
Life isn't long enough, baby
But I can love you as long as I live.

Maybe I can't give you diamonds and things
Like I want to
But I can promise you sweet baby
I'm gonna want to as long as I live.

I never cared, but now I'm scared
I won't live long enough.
That's why I wear my rubbers when it rains
And eat an apple every day
See the doctor anyway.

What if I can't live to to love you as long as I want to,
Long as I promise you baby
I'm gonna love you as long as I live.

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To Pass the Time

We have just passed our two month mark after having received our LID. It seems almost laughable to consider this a significant step knowing that we have many more months ahead of us. I can't bear to hang onto every month at this point. For my own sanity, I need to think about other things while we wait.

But after a couple months of not running around and anxiously awaiting signatures and documents, I'm realizing that, wow, it's rather nice...

In some ways, having to keep track of what needed to be done kept us well-occupied and distracted from other worries. As long as there was some project or goal for me to tackle, I could feel I was doing something. I *could* do something. You should have seen my battle plans for the dossier! I was relentless. haha. :)

And now I'm feeling ready to move onto other goals. Yesterday I finally erased the master list for our dossier from the office whiteboard. It wasn't even traumatic, so I knew I was ready, although I did take a picture of it first. (Me and my lists--lol) I felt it was time to make way for a new stage of our process and into a new state of waiting.

So now, for some odd reason, I am feeling ready to contact other people waiting, other adoptive parents, other people in our LID month (within reason--I am not a strong joiner. :)).

I also have perked up considerably at the thought of working on preparing for our daughter. I don't mind having a length of time to do things at my leisure, slowly and steadily with adequate forethought, the way I most enjoy it.

So here's a list of THINGS TO DO I've just recently started. I am a list person, so organizing my thoughts automatically makes me feel happier.

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In no particular order:

Clear the baby's room of extraneous clutter (oh yeah. There's lots.)
Find/buy a crib
Look for crib sheets, mattress cover, pad, etc
Clean glide rocker, make armrest covers
Start collecting clothes, store in boxes
Remind sister and friends that yes, I would like any hand-me-downs
Start collecting toys for younger ages, eg stacking cups
Start cruising yard sales for kid items
Fix top of changing table cabinet (clean and re-bolt)
Repaint cabinet ?
Find NEW place for fabric stash (currently in changing table cabinet)

Contact agency LID group
Contact local adoptive family group through agency

Review/adjust list of items needed for travel
Start acquiring meds for travel pharmacy
Try making cloth diapers and diaper covers (I found a great site for that! yeah, too cool!)

Find conversational Mandarin class, or bug local University until they offer that class again!
Sign up me AND my slightly trepidacious husband for said classes -- hehe :)
Continue to practice the Mandarin I know already (read through phrases every day, practice new ones)
Attend some local cultural (Chinese) events
Find some Chinese stations and programs on my short wave radio
Find some Chinese language radio stations on-line
Look for Chinese lullaby/game CDs
Look for child tape player
Look for those black & white high-contrast picture-images for baby stimulation
Learn more Chinese geography

Start looking for quilt fabric, both for own projects and for fabric exchanges
Fix ceiling in baby's room
Find new lamp globe for ceiling fan
Remove old border
Paint baby's room (revisit paint colors)
Consider other needed furniture
Make curtains for baby's room
Start acquiring storage boxes to box up special books during toddler stage
Look for baby gate(s)
Look for high chair
Research baby carriers
Research car seats

Continue to read about adoption issues and adoption blogs
Continue to think about race and identity issues (darn it--where is Johnny when we need him?)
Reorganize all adoption papers

Start looking for baby items eg blankets, spit-up clothes, bottles and nipples, etc
Start installing child-proof locks on all cabinets
Finish knitting that blanket...
Look for baby memory book
Review immunization schedule
Sell all old pregnancy books (!)

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As one of my favorite bloggers sometimes says, "I am full of good ideas."


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Start your wait

Two years ago last week, my husband and I snuck off from another out-of-town weekend event with no privacy to rent a hotel room (lol!) and attempt to make babies at the perfect time in my cycle. We had a great time! Despite repeated failures, we were still getting that little frisson of anticipation thinking maybe oo, maybe,THIS time... it worked! As if, since we had gone through this special effort, OBviously the Universe would give us what we wanted. We snuck away from our other event and *everything*. Had to wait until they'd let us check in, and then hid the fact to the hotel staff that we weren't actually spending the whole night. Had to glibly and vaguely lie to all of our friends about where we had been. And it was worth it. But. Well, you know the story. A mere two weeks later, the blood told the tale. It's taken me a long time to stop feeling crushed at the sight of my period, or that feeling that comes 12 hours before...

In some ways, we have bonded over our shared trials. And we've moved on to focus on adoption. But there is some of that journey that as much as I put it under the carpet, I still can't sweep it out entirely. I still have all our old syringes and various meds cluttering up corners in my closet and fridge. For God's sake, I still have leftover packages of gonadatropins in the back of the fridge! Left there like a room left untouched. And why is that? It's not like I'm going to scrap-book my experience. Do I need to really keep my tally of which injection I gave myself when?

My other kicks in then and calmly explains the deal: I feel I need to honor what I went through. I do my best to forget it, but I can't throw it away like it wasn't important. Maybe that's the difficulty. Or if I throw away all evidence that I underwent that, it will be as if I had never tried. I am still weirdly attached to those little vials, though they basically killed off what was left of my ovarian response... They also cost a staggering amount of money for the privilege. I tell myself I will throw them out when I get closer to out match day. No point in having needles around with a toddler, ya know. But still, I *made the effort*. I stabbed myself with needles repeatedly. I didn't give up hope, or at least little enough to keep me from undertaking the protocol. Damn it, I was GOOD at giving myself those damn injections... I was a ridiculously good patient. Shows what doing everything right gets you... Yeah, that's right: jack shit. :)

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On another cheerful note, I had an irritating dream about my sister announcing that I was pregnant. Then it ended with her pompously announcing that my body was "just different." I woke up wanting to smack her, although of course, I was just a dream... Oo, my first dream about having a defective body. Lovely. I'll add it to the list.

I still sometimes find a stream of similarly irritating and hurtful thoughts running through the back of my mind. We weren't good enough to be parents... Our genes were unworthy to reproduce successfully...We waited too long...

Mostly I've learned to ignore this mean-spirited muttering, like with a class of 3rd graders or a surly 13 year old. I deliberately look at it and smile politely in the way that lets it know that my patience is wearing thin and it'd best shape up. And sometimes I sit on a simmering rage at the injustice. But like the Roosevelt Dam, the lid keeps things at an even stream; not so bottled that it breaks the whole support, but not so un-contained that it overwhelms me. What I mean about judicious repression... I have other things to do with my life. It's exhausting to "process" this upheaval in my life at dial 11 all the time. I usually have the sense to remove myself from flashfloods or sudden downpours from asshole interactions. I look at it curiously and say, hmmm... that's pretty asinine. Is that worth your ire?? Huh? 'Cause is it going to help? No? Okay, we'll not get involved with that one...

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And now, we just received word that our dossier has officially been logged in. Almost two years after we hoped we'd make it happen that one memorable time... It feels almost unreal. I feel pleasantly detached. I am miserly with my excitement; I spend it well. Yes, we have an LID. I could add more exclamation points, because at some level, I am just thrilled!!!!!!! Finally!!!! But I am very weary of throwing my enthusiasm to the winds. is that what happens when life hands you too much disappointment? I am truly excited to have an official LID date, something to count our months from and calculate possible match months, but there's still the long haul. Now starts the *other* count down.