Concurrent Thoughts

* * * * *

As the wait becomes more and more firmly pegged into 3-years-and-counting territory, I find myself fantasizing about a concurrent adoption. It seems agonizing to wait for another nearly 4 years (maybe), which is only a fraction of the past 9 years that we have been thinking of having children, but still!

My mind cannot quite reconcile with another adoption as reality though. (Reading back on this, I think--whaat? Why did I write that? It's just that there are many conflicting factors that don't make that an easy choice.) At least not yet, anyway. Several reasons. If we do adopt, say, domestically, I would want to continue with the original China adoption. But then who travels to China and who stays home with our other little one? Would it be easier for me to go? (I'll probably know more Chinese than my husband) But wouldn't that be hard on our other child to be separated from their mother? Or do we drag that child to China as well? Yikes! Then we'd need another helper to come with us, and not sure who I'd want that to be (not my mother).

Other considerations:

I am not wanting to adopt from another country. I just cannot get excited about it. (Although that could change... I just don't feel it right now.) Strange that I feel so strongly about China! Maybe I am so invested in that culture and language that I cannot envision the energy and enthusiasm for another country.

Meanwhile, even if we did want to look at domestic adoption more seriously, we'd have to take on the whole mess of being chosen as parents. Part of me digs in my heels and refuses to take part in that kind of competition. I am very uncomfortable with having to "present" ourselves to be acceptable with a birth-mother individual, and angry at the anticipated judgments. I don't want to have to hear how we've been turned down by this or that person, and my reaction is to take us out of the pageant to begin with.
My fantasy is that a child will need a home and we will be in line to be considered... Like one doctor's son who fell into their lap. Like another friend who is currently waiting to see if a baby's extended family wants them... I know this is pure fantasy, but there it is. We'd still have to put out the word somewhere. Maybe we could talk to our home study agency and let that be known, although we have NOT signed on with them for any kind of placement, you understand, so we might have to pay more money for further evaluation and representation... Although that IS a possibility, IF, and big if, they would allow concurrent adoptions... I haven't even looked into this seriously, but it's one avenue.

From what I have heard, it's the home agencies more than the CCAA who does not want/allow concurrent adoptions. So much would depend on how this other agency views that. Do I need to convince them that there's no way that we would be placed with a Chinese child within the next two-three years? Because another child would have to be at least a year old (and home with us at least a year) at the time of our China match...

Okay, and lastly, what about the expense of it all? What would it cost us to start up a concurrent adoption? More agency fees since our first agency is China only. We'd probably need another home study. At least our house is a little cleaner than during the first one! haha! We have been de-cluttering the place after years. But I don't think we'd be able to afford paying medical expenses for a pregnant birth mother. We're not *that* well off, and we're already a little unhappily stretched because of the first adoption expenses. Then on top of that, part of our current plan is for me to work more the next couple years to bolster our savings. So by adding another child, does that just blow that plan out of the water?

Anyway, I'm just thinkin'. M and I have already talked a little, not in any kind of Big Talk way, but more like checking in with each other and sharing ideas. We've agreed that if it looks like the wait will go much beyond 3 years, then we'd definitely be up for looking at other, concurrent, adoptions. We are not ready to go all gung ho for another adoption right this very instant. But the wait news never gets any better. I know it's been only 4 months or so since we have been LID, but the news, my dears, is very bad. We keep hanging on, but yes, I am looking at other options.

On another note, I have been telling all friends and family who know about our China adoption plans that the wait will take at least 3 years... Most recently I told this to a good friend who was instrumental in making us look at China adoption more seriously. I was quite surprised when she jumped in and made reassuring noises. She sounded almost defensive. It hadn't even occurred to me until then that she might be worried to be blamed for getting into this interminable wait. It's true that if she had not given us so much good information about our agency that we might have gone down a different route; that's the truth. But now that we are here, we are still committed to China adoption. I'm just looking at the wait and looking for additional options.

* * * * * *

Baseline Informed Speculation

Wait Times as of May 2007

Even though we know that it will be *years* until we are matched with our Chinese daughter, we still like to speculate sometimes. Various people come up with tools to crunch numbers or calculate with some degree of well, something similar to informed speculation or wild guessing, the date of our match referral. Here's my current list of speculation, informed and otherwise:

* * * * * *

Someone (anxiouslywaiting) on RQ has come up with a handy chart to show number of dossiers per month and number of months AND the number of dossiers they have been matching per month.

http://chinaadopttalk.com/forum/index.php?topic=4784.0

Granted, this does not take into account people who are later in the process and not yet being counted, but...


Number of dossiers to our LID (people ahead of us in line)
divided by 27.39 LIDs (average number matched per day, aka 833 per month)
= the number of days we will wait based on the snapshot of the poll
= 1817.93975... (days left to wait)
Divided by 365 days per year (not worrying about leap years)
= 2.609158 months until we are matched.

To make a long calculation short, they say we are looking at

2.6 years (2 years and 7 months), putting us at late Oct, early Nov of 2009.

As anxiouslywaiting says, "It is math and not necessarilly reality but it is the best I can do realizing that the poll is not perfect."

He also says, "It is still just a guessing game and this is only an educated guess based upon a snapshot in time with a lot of data collected from rumors over the months. it is probably as reasonable as we can expect to get at guessing ........ but anything goes really."
So there you go: informed speculation.

* * * * * *

Now, there's another tool on the web at the chinaadoptionforecast website.
http://chinaadoptionforecast.com/

They say the time of our referral is likely to come somewhere between a minimum of August 8, 2008 and a maximum of July 16, 2031 (ha! that's why they call it the maximum!).

But wait; they have a better idea, and another calculator that does not require me to slave over my calculator.

"Our best guess - a weighted average of recent CCAA velocities, guessing that the CCAA will perform as well in the future as they are performing now, but might return to previous trends:"

April 27, 2010

Without putting too fine a point on it, that's a little over three years, one month, and one week of a wait. *sigh* At this rate, I will be happy if the wait doesn't go over THAT.

* * * * * *

My agency's updated website is still saying 18-20 months wait to match, between Sept and Nov of 2009.
At this point, I am guessing they don't want to come right out and say "up to or beyond three years." They'll raise the numbers slowly, that's my guess.


* * * * *

The Long Wait

The Long Wait (TLW) as of May 2007

Well, for those of you out of the loop of China Adoptions, the wait times (from Log-In Date to Match) have been extending and extending far beyond our initial ideals.

When we first started the process, we were told it was 8-12 months til match. Then the official paperwork from our chosen agency was indicating 12-14 months. We were okay with that, so we started on the application and dossier process, which in itself could take 3-5 months (ha! It took us what? 7? 8 months? It's a blur.)

While we built our dossier, the waits started creeping upward. I was hearing rumors of two years fairly early (18-24 months), so I started telling people the wait could take up to two years, although that didn't stop some people from dancing about with glee and proclaiming it would take us "hardly any time at all" and that "the wait goes quicker than you think." ha! ha! Yes! They said that! hahhah

Okay, seriously, with times creeping further and further out, we are now hearing of possibly *three* years wait! I am trying to not feel too depressed about that. We have our spot in line and I'm holding on to that.

I do start worrying that the wait will extend to even longer and weird things will happen to the situation before we have our daughter matched and home. I have a dread of having to explain the situation to others. It's painful to have to somehow justify the long wait to others when we are even more frustrated and pained by the slow down. I am even more glad now that we haven't made any general announcements and having to deal with remarks from a larger pool of uninformed people. It's hard enough already with the people I keep in the loop asking "how the adoption is going." Well, I say, our paperwork is still sitting in a stack somewhere in China... Like, excuse me, it's not "going" anywhere; it's sitting there in line!!!!

* * * * *

On a related note, I have found out in the last couple of months that some of our friends who wrote us reference letters have not been keeping it quiet as I had originally requested. We have random people offering us "help" and even our car mechanic (!!!? WTF?!) remarking that they had mentioned it to him... They even mentioned something in front of another acquaintance that we would never go out of our way to share personal information with. This is very disconcerting. Do they not think that our information is worthy of discretion, especially since we asked them to be discrete? I start feeling very irritable and a little panic-y that the info is being flung willy-nilly around the area.

On top of that (being confronted with people we don't know being privy to our private lives), I don't know how to bring this up with our friends. I am baffled that perhaps, somehow, they did not understand that we were not sharing this at random and would prefer they NOT share this with other people. !!!! For God's Sake! Even if someone is pregnant, they don't usually (often) immediately share the news with the entire god-d*mned world. Wait, there was that one acquaintance who had to share to the ENTIRE world when she was merely a month pregnant--you can imagine my self-restraint at that announcement-- But anyway! :) hehehe

Anyway, we hardly see these folks in private... and our shared couple time has shrunk. So when do I have a spare quiet moment to say something to them?? I also don't want to hit them over the head with it. I just want to inquire about what they thought we wanted them to do with that personal information, and ask them, politely, to restrain themselves...

*sigh* It's not as if my mother doesn't also talk to her friends. It's not as if I don't also make my own decisions about who to share this with. It's partly that I *am* private about my life. I have had too much of people talking about my life as if it belonged to them. It's also that we will wait two to three friggin' *years* and I don't feel like putting up with sh*t from nosy people while we wait and wait and wait and ...

It makes me sympathize with all those famous people about whom it's said," they are a deeply private person." Yeah, I get it. Just because somebody knows who you are or thinks they know you does not give the right to every last iota of personal information about you. If you have been reading, you know I hit on this topic a lot. I'm sure this won't be my last. :)

But how to redirect my well-meaning but apparently clueless friends? Maybe they didn't get the memo I thought they did? Maybe by "not sharing it with everyone," they thought, like, we meant every last person on the earth. Only a few hundred or so... Okay, I know my secrets are *not* safe with *them*...


* * * * *

Ambivalent but yet We Are Go-ing....

I found this post that I started last month when some other boggers were contemplating their ambivalencies about adoption and how they were or were not pushing forward. I wrote this big long thing inspired by, but not wholly addressing that question. So here I offer you my lightly-edited musings...


on Being Ambivalent April 2007

We were going through the grieving process all through our IF experience. The last cancellation was devastating... I/we were so depressed I couldn't think about anything except our massive loss of hope. We considered DE for a while... but we could not get enthused about it and finally dropped it alltogether. We finally nudged ourselves towards international adoption--we had enough left over (both economically and emotionally) for only one more try of any nature.

My husband has pointed out that none of our decisions came easily or without much agonizing and debate. At each juncture when we had to decide what to do next (another door slammed, or perhaps creeping closed), we had to reassess what we really wanted within our remaining options. We really wanted to be parents, so at each point, we had to ask ourselves what we were willing to consider.

Adoption had been there in the deep background during IF, but we kept denying that we would go there... no, no, not us, not yet... When faced with our true choices, we had to confront each option square on... and sometimes our wishing something to work did not make it a better option. We found that DE was NOT for us, DS was NOT for us, but adoption WAS (but NOT domestic).

Part of that was winnowing out what we could feel good about doing. Even though we liked aspects of other options, our gut was not completely happy. We had to go through many stages to figure out any loopholes or variations that would let us be okay with an option. The hard work was admitting when an option had failed the test, and then letting go of it. But we had to test everything to make sure we weren't shutting off an option that might work for us.

Conversely, for adoption, it was more about becoming convinced it could work for us and less about find the reasons it wouldn't work. Seeing and hearing other people's stories, we saw that is was doable despite the challenges. I have to say that Lori in SC (blog name: clueless in carolina) was particularly inspiring in showing me life *after* adoption.

It still took us a while (several months after our last cancellation) to admit that we would seriously consider adoption. This despite the fact that I had been looking at foster children the year before (which is a while 'nother story). The turning point was a friend who had gone through the IA process sharing us her story. We were interested and asked more--no pressure. She offered contact info for her agency and other websites if we wanted it. We waited a month to ask for the info and another month after that to even look at the website. But within a week of finding our ideal agency, we were reading everything in sight and feeling... cautiously hopeful.

Finally we looked at each other and both said --We really want to do this! After a, oh, day or so, of feeling cautiously gleeful, we moved on to sheer open-faced hope. A glorious sight for both of us, I must say. It was like the clouds had lifted and we could see clearly that there was sunshine on the horizon for us. It was truly like that after feeling so depressed about our history of failed attempts. So at that moment, we were glowing with that decision--as hopeful (and naive) as someone drawing a conception date on a calendar-hehe.

But we also trusted in the process. And once we threw ourselves into that, past that first blush of excitement for our eventual child, we have been prepared to do anything-everything- to make that happen. So we trust in the process and feel there will be something at the end of it.

And strangely, I do have ambivalence, but it's the wariness of someone comfortable in one's present life, not of adoption in particular. Or I read more stories of RAD or other attachment/emotional/physical/identity/first parent issues, and it does scare me. But I figure our education is the best treatment for that. I learn whatever I can, preparing myself and M to meet eventual challenges, so I have confidence that we will deal with what comes to us. So h*ll YES, I am sometimes scared about the challenges... but still I push forward. I have to because otherwise I would have to confront just stopping dead in my tracks and preparing to live without a child. And my desire to parent a child is greater than the risks.

Now, while we wait to be matched, I am almost enjoying the long wait... It's a kind of fatalism. We still really want to be parents, but as to who our child will be... we leave that to the process.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Imagine in 3/4 time, 4-part harmony:
----------------------------------


We are go-ing
Hea-ven knows where we are go-ing but
we know with-in

And we'll get-there
Hea-ven knows how we will get-there but
we know we-will

And though
we know
that the road
is rocky and rough,

We are go-ing
Hea-ven knows where we are go-ing but
we know with-in ...
----------------------------------


* * * * * * * * * * *

Start your wait

Two years ago last week, my husband and I snuck off from another out-of-town weekend event with no privacy to rent a hotel room (lol!) and attempt to make babies at the perfect time in my cycle. We had a great time! Despite repeated failures, we were still getting that little frisson of anticipation thinking maybe oo, maybe,THIS time... it worked! As if, since we had gone through this special effort, OBviously the Universe would give us what we wanted. We snuck away from our other event and *everything*. Had to wait until they'd let us check in, and then hid the fact to the hotel staff that we weren't actually spending the whole night. Had to glibly and vaguely lie to all of our friends about where we had been. And it was worth it. But. Well, you know the story. A mere two weeks later, the blood told the tale. It's taken me a long time to stop feeling crushed at the sight of my period, or that feeling that comes 12 hours before...

In some ways, we have bonded over our shared trials. And we've moved on to focus on adoption. But there is some of that journey that as much as I put it under the carpet, I still can't sweep it out entirely. I still have all our old syringes and various meds cluttering up corners in my closet and fridge. For God's sake, I still have leftover packages of gonadatropins in the back of the fridge! Left there like a room left untouched. And why is that? It's not like I'm going to scrap-book my experience. Do I need to really keep my tally of which injection I gave myself when?

My other kicks in then and calmly explains the deal: I feel I need to honor what I went through. I do my best to forget it, but I can't throw it away like it wasn't important. Maybe that's the difficulty. Or if I throw away all evidence that I underwent that, it will be as if I had never tried. I am still weirdly attached to those little vials, though they basically killed off what was left of my ovarian response... They also cost a staggering amount of money for the privilege. I tell myself I will throw them out when I get closer to out match day. No point in having needles around with a toddler, ya know. But still, I *made the effort*. I stabbed myself with needles repeatedly. I didn't give up hope, or at least little enough to keep me from undertaking the protocol. Damn it, I was GOOD at giving myself those damn injections... I was a ridiculously good patient. Shows what doing everything right gets you... Yeah, that's right: jack shit. :)

* * * * *

On another cheerful note, I had an irritating dream about my sister announcing that I was pregnant. Then it ended with her pompously announcing that my body was "just different." I woke up wanting to smack her, although of course, I was just a dream... Oo, my first dream about having a defective body. Lovely. I'll add it to the list.

I still sometimes find a stream of similarly irritating and hurtful thoughts running through the back of my mind. We weren't good enough to be parents... Our genes were unworthy to reproduce successfully...We waited too long...

Mostly I've learned to ignore this mean-spirited muttering, like with a class of 3rd graders or a surly 13 year old. I deliberately look at it and smile politely in the way that lets it know that my patience is wearing thin and it'd best shape up. And sometimes I sit on a simmering rage at the injustice. But like the Roosevelt Dam, the lid keeps things at an even stream; not so bottled that it breaks the whole support, but not so un-contained that it overwhelms me. What I mean about judicious repression... I have other things to do with my life. It's exhausting to "process" this upheaval in my life at dial 11 all the time. I usually have the sense to remove myself from flashfloods or sudden downpours from asshole interactions. I look at it curiously and say, hmmm... that's pretty asinine. Is that worth your ire?? Huh? 'Cause is it going to help? No? Okay, we'll not get involved with that one...

* * * * *

And now, we just received word that our dossier has officially been logged in. Almost two years after we hoped we'd make it happen that one memorable time... It feels almost unreal. I feel pleasantly detached. I am miserly with my excitement; I spend it well. Yes, we have an LID. I could add more exclamation points, because at some level, I am just thrilled!!!!!!! Finally!!!! But I am very weary of throwing my enthusiasm to the winds. is that what happens when life hands you too much disappointment? I am truly excited to have an official LID date, something to count our months from and calculate possible match months, but there's still the long haul. Now starts the *other* count down.

Zipping Right Along

After having the process drag out for longer than I anticipated, the process is now unexpectedly zipping along.

After we got word that our dossier had cleared review and gone to translation, later the same day we later heard that it had left the building and was already winging towards Beijing. Well, I am astonished. Here it could have taken up to 16 business days to go through review, translation, binding, etc, and our dossier managed to blow outta there in a single day? How on earth did that happen? Score one for my attention to picky details! At least, that's what I like to think.

Then, today, I get word that the dossier has already arrived at the CCAA! Wow! That's barely 3 days. I had to do a double take at the email. Are they sure they are talking about OUR dossier? Well, okay!

Reports differ as to how long it will take the CCAA to log in our dossier. One email says at least 5 weeks, another says up to 8 weeks.

I've recovered a little of my gleefulness. Our dossier was received at the agency yesterday morning (thanks to tracking numbers, I knew this hours before they emailed a confirmation) and was so "in order" that it managed to pass through the critical review before the end of the day. On to translation!

* * * * *

Major storms were expected last night or maybe even yesterday afternoon. M was busy grading one of several huge stacks of papers when I reminded him of the onrushing weather expected. We wouldn't have time to get outside if we didn't take an early opportunity, so he dropped things for a while and went for a run while I did a small training walk.
... Later, he lamented that he had gone running so much earlier than necessary. I joked, yeah, but if you hadn't gone running when you did, you'd have been all: Look at the stack of papers! And: I have all this work to do and I didn't even get my run in! M started grinning and shaking his head, laughing in spite of himself. You're right. That's exactly what would have happened. I am so lucky to have you. ... lol

Crossing One Finish Line

The dossier is in the bag, or at least in the hands of F3d 3x. I feel strangely dispassionate now that it's out of our hands.

I had a last minute agonization over which family photo to replace. We had a new one from a couple months ago that was clearly superior to several others. But which of the others to replace? I finally (reluctantly) ditched the photo that was most excellent of my dad and sister and others, but looked semi-crappy of the rest of us. These photos are to represent us in our best light, yes? So...

I also dragged my feet over writing up the cover letter and doing the final arranging of the documents. I can't say it was any more perfect for all that waiting. I started to laugh at myself, putting off the decisions, as trivial as they were. Just do it, already! It was just the agony of anxiety.

The guys at the mail shop boggled when they saw my stack of docs; they have been seeing most of my mailings go out the last several months, but this was the biggest stack yet. Yup, I said, this is everything... I was semi-exhausted, not jubilant. I don't have it in me to celebrate just yet after month after month of thinking we were "almost" done. I don't feel we are "done;" we just have a reprieve for a while. Now begins The Long Wait (TLW). Or rather, first begins the dossier review and then the sending to China, and then the wait to be officially logged in, and *then* we wait. So I am too anxious and emotionally tired to feel whipped up about this, or even merely upbeat. It was like the end of a marathon when it's all you can do to drag yourself across the line. Since I couldn't bring myself to spend some $130 to get it there overnight, I decided two-day would do. After the mailing label went on the package, I started wondering maybe there's yet another alternative? The guy who would usually tease me and give me a hard time gently said--"no, this will be fine. It'll get there in good time. Don't worry about it." I must have been a little pitiful if he was being that nice to me.

I did go to my favorite ice cream shop and had a couple of very yummy treats and enjoyed thinking about things other than the dossier. No guilt over having dessert in the middle of the day. There's satisfaction to having accomplished that much, the last items on the master list checked off. Now to take care of the rest of my life...

Al.Most.Done!

The last two docs came back from the Chinese Embassy today! After less than two weeks out! Woot! That means we are Almost. Finished. With. Our. Dossier! Woot!

Our mail carrier told me it would be so much easier and faster if I didn't require a signature for delivery on the express mail packages. Ha. Yes. I told her that it wouldn't kill me for the docs to be left on our doorstep, but if they ever went astray, I'd *really* hate myself, so the sigs were preventive of disaster. If they come a day later because I couldn't be there one day, I at least know where they are! I think she gets it now.

Knowing that the docs would show up in the next couple weeks, I had worked ahead last week and got my extra sets of passports photos made. These are for embassies and visas and such, not for our actual passport.

I had to go at just the right time so that the sun was not glaring in the side window and making me squint. As usual, I had to have several versions taken before we got one without my eyes closed. My blink reflex is perfectly timed to coincide with the shutter. After they dialed the flash down, we got a decent shot. Better than the last one in which I was trying to both smile gently and avoid squinting, leaving me looking rather smirk-ish. lol! :P Yeah, I think not.

Now M has to get his own passport photos copies made. We had been "trying" to get this done together for weeks, but hadn't pushed through and actually done it. It always takes longer to coordinate and do something *together*, which I why I finally went ahead and got mine out of the way.

Side note: M rarely works ahead. We both tend to work at the last minute, but the bigger the project, the more I work ahead. I am organized. OH yeah. Whereas M will put things off 'til the last possible moment. He doesn't worry until the last moment either. Think last-minute-merger on the highway. hehe!
This translates into him being "laidback" and me being "uptight." Yeah, But I Get Stuff Done! I'm the one coordinating tasks and doing most of this (paper) work. If it were up to M, it would take another year to finish. I am not even kidding. Although it's also true, M is drowning in work now, and that is no fun. Let's play: How Long Can We Put This Off?

. . . .

Anyway... other than M's photos, the last things to do is make several complete photocopies of darn near everything (an interestingly tedious job) and *ahem* transfer money for the next humongous checks we have to write. Hear that giant sucking noise of money leaving our savings account? Yippeee! (That means we are almost finished.)

Not a biggie, really. I am taking care of it. But I can see it coming down to waiting for M to do his photos. Part of me is waiting to see how he deals with the pressure of having to take care of this piece. It's one of the few parts that I can't do for him. When *would* he get it done if I weren't hassling, I mean reminding, him about it? I often wonder. He will and does and has stepped up and taken care of things. But without me, he'd be equally as sunk as me without him. Poor tired baby.

So we might have our dossier in to our agency by the end of February, but I'm not setting my heart on it. But still! We are almost done!

Questions and Thoughts

Finally, FINALLY, the US St@te Dept has finished with our last two documents, and the F3d Ex return shipment has started on its journey back to us! This has been an even longer wait than before--it'll be 3 weeks compared to about 2 for the earlier batch.

I had been checking the tracking number for weeks without so much as a peep, so I'm glad to see it has at least started home to us! I am preparing myself to whip those docs back out to the embassy the same day. And then we wait some more... although it tempts me to start hoping we finish by the end of Feb.

* * * * * *

Another friend asked me yesterday how things were going with the adoption process. I said Paperwork Paperwork Perseverance. She immediately jumped to how wunnnerful it will be when I travel to China. I explained to her that I can't even get worked up about that right now; I just have my head down to the grindstone working on the process.

She herself has done a dossier and gone through the same process (but it was a long time ago and things happened so nothing worked out--a long sad story that is not my place to tell). So she is probably reliving some of those times.

She said she felt like everything was on her shoulders to get it done and get it right, and she was hugely stressed until the dossier went off, and then it was ahhhhh, and she could relax and not worry anymore. I suspect I will be similar.

Yes, I get stressed, but I have to manage it so I don't get overworked. And there are some things that I deliberately try to not think about too much to avoid additional stress and frustration. Such as how long this is taking! Or how much longer we will wait to be matched. OR any number of things that could go wrong.

I do sometimes have mini fantasies about having our daughter home, the kinds of activities we might do together, the kind of challenges we might face. It's not so much the picking her up in China that I fantasize about; it's holding her at home and singing to her, or reading to her and showing her things in her world. That's why I need to be a parent--to share the amazing cool things about the world. And cuddle. And support and be firm when they test their limits. Taking her to the park, having a morning routine.

(... thinking about having our daughter home...........)


Anyway, I got all defensive when my friend asked and assumed things about my process, trying to be what felt like overly hopeful. She said that when she was waiting, the process started moving faster than they had been told.... Like she was trying to get me excited about maybe only a year. It took all my emotional strength to tell her, no, it was 12-14 months when we started, and then it went to 15-18, and now it's 18-24 and could easily get to 36 months before we are matched; and furthermore, any slowdown/speedup because of new requirements will happen behind us, not in front of us! I had to give her the little mini-lecture of how RQ and others have analyzed the number of dossiers matched each month and the number going in, and how the pile keeps getting taller and taller.... So I let her know that I could not even afford to start hoping for a 12 month turn-around!

So I did ok responding to my friend, but I definitly got more worked up than I'd like. I guess I don't like to be hurried into somebody else's fantasy (my friend never got to go to China). I know I get grouchy at being "pressured" by somebody else's emotional reaction. I just hate it. I know I am too-easily affected by other's emotional waves, I am too sensitive, I know, so I have to be super-vigilant against having my own stuff confused with somebody else's stuff. It took me many years to learn this about myself! But I function better if I am aware of and protect my sensitivities. (See: The Highly Sensitive Person, etc, eg http://www.hsperson.com/pages/hsp.htm with much interesting stuff.)

Anyway, I have been reflecting on how to do a better job of protecting myself and managing other people, as it were, because having a conspicuous family, this won't go away. And I don't want to be a bitch on a regular basis. You should have seen me when I was younger! Hoo-boy! lol But I have developed a thicker skin and am more comfortable with myself in the last few years. It's one of the advantages of gaining age. :) I have NO patience with others trying to define me, or trying to speak for me, or determine how I should act or be. I've lost a few so-called "friends" while I was growing out of allowing that. Sooo At least I have the stamina to see what others are doing and react with wry humor or a level of firm politeness. I guess I will do okay; I just know there will always be work to do.

I just don't know the answer to well-meaning friends and family who pop in without being part of (and therefor rarely aware of) the long, grinding process. Yes, I'm STILL doing paperwork. Welcome to my life.

In the Doldrums

Not much going on here, recently. I mean, there is, actually. I have started my courses and have been enjoying them, although it's taken me some time to shift gears enough to give them the proper amount of attention. Must do homework!

But with the paperchase and all, things have slowed down to a crawl. The large packet of documents came back from the embassy a while ago. I was briefly alarmed because the authentication certificates had some Sonya Somebody listed instead of Condi, whereas the other docs had the Secretary of State's names on the form. My agency quickly set me straight... apparently somebody named Sonya Somebody signs things for Condi? Or something?? Okay, as long as the embassy has authenticated them with the proper seal, I guess I don't really care! But in that case, why hasn't this "Sonya" signed our last two documents by now? They are still up in DC awaiting the vital signatures for the last two weeks. I swear, it's like watching a rabbit go through a python..... ie boring and even more lengthy than anticipated. I am just trying to stay calm about this wait, 'cause you know those last docs THEN have to go to the Chinese embassy in DC for another intermitable number of days and weeks, and Aaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiigggghhhh!

So yes, I am trying to stay calm and occupy myself with other things.

It does not help when a friend asks me... "but I thought the last time you talked about this months ago, you were almost ready to send things off to be translated then" Yeah, well, *I* was ready, but the documents take their own sweet time.

And see, this is *exactly* why I don't share the process with too many friends or relatives. It's bad enough to be waiting on the minute details of the process. It's even more annoying to have other people asking you why it isn't done yet. And I don't want to be tempted to swear or scream in public.

I did get an opportunity to vent and roll my eyes when one of my mother's friends passed on some "adorable pictures" of her girls to me. Now, I didn't know this person at all, and as my husband pointed out, the question still remains: why did she know anything about our adopting since I'd asked my parents to not share that with people, huh??? But anyway, I guessed immediately that the only reason she was giving me pictures of her children that I don't know is that she had, yes, Chinese daughters! Whee! That for some reason she thought I would want to see their pictures since I was adopting. I still don't get this. I told my Mom that it was like an infertile woman having other people's babies thrust at her. My IF sister nodded her head...
I just do not get this. It's probably some misguided effort to be supportive, but again, other people's adoptive children do not automatically thrill me. I mean, I like children a lot, and I like meeting and talking to them as the people they are, but to assume that I will be more interested or like them more because they happen to belong to a particular group is just addled. And it's always awkward having people thrust at you for whatever reason.

Meanwhile, one acquaintance who was "thinking" about another adoptive child when we started the process has already LIDed. Meanwhile, an old acquaintance who got married the same day we did has had his child home two months! Yes, I feel jealous that we are that far "behind." I know they had both had earlier experiences that moved them along the process. I don't know why. It makes me sad. My husband pointed out that at every step along the way, we resisted having to shift to a new strategy and a new set of ideas. And it takes a while to get to the point that you feel good about where you are going and can shift strategies to make those life-changing decisions with some level of confidence or at least resoluteness.

* * * * * *

When I think about how long it took us to be convinced enough we had a problem... Well, I was concerned, but everyone else, including my husband, was very laid-back about things panning out. We knew so many people who had had their first child in their late 30s and early 40s, so we were just gleeful about having children ourselves even though by medical standards we were "old." We didn't realize we also knew a LOT of people who had *never* had children because of other, unexplained issues like IF. So yes, we see what we want to see. We don't like to think we have a problem.

Another big thing we were told was that there's no need to worry because "sometimes it can take a couple years for an older couple to conceive." Older meaning people older than 30-35! So we were encouraged to bide our time. MEANWHILE during all that waiting our parts were aging into crinkling balls of useless geonome material!!! Oh no, they don't tell you THAT. At least, not that you ever want to hear. Even the first doctor or two we saw were incredibly blase about our dwindling chances. Only one friend who had gone through her own saga of heartache ever told me that I shouldn't wait, and I was too convinced that we would end on the good side of the odds to listen. I was pissed when another friend was giving me grief about "waiting" during that brief period of time of "planning." Ha ha ha! So to be fair, we did not want to hear the worst. M the eternal optimist had to be convinced by repeated failure, even with medical intervention.

Nobody wants to hear the worst, even if it's happening to someone else. So when we tried, early on, to share what we were going through with other people, all we got were ridiculously blind platitudes and dismissive reactions. NO-body wants to hear about bad or sad things going on. Even another friend who had gone through her own IF story kept wanting to tell me that she "had a feeling it was going to happen" for me, which pissed me off no end. At least with her, I finally told her that it really didn't help and in fact made me feel worse because somebody else's feelings weren't going to up my odds. She's since become more sensitive. But I still end up catching other friends saying and doing things that are just obliviously mean. Like playing the odd tune: "It's so chic to be pregnant at christmas" at a holiday party so that we can all appreciate it. Someone who should know better if she had bothered to think about it. But yet, I have hid most of my reactions to these insensitivities. I LOOK like I'm doing okay. And mostly, I am doing okay. But still, it's like rubbing a raw patch to have people do and say these kinds of things.

* * * * * * *

When I saw my old acquaintance with his new [adopted] baby, I didn't press for details. I said--how wonderful and how old is now? And how long has he been home, and I'm so happy for you! Not wanting to rub any nerves about age, I opened up my mouth to say that I knew that the developmental age tended to get reset at adoption, but I got drowned out by another well-wisher and shut it again. I'm thrilled that he finally has his son. I don't really need to say anything else.

He told me that he was an incredible amount of work, but that the joy outweighs the work. And he said thanks for the good wishes. :) Can I get an Amen?

Tiny Details and Larger Themes

The other birth certificate came back from the New York Chinese Embassy. This seal is a fancy silver & holographic seal on a small green form pasted to the back of the certificate. Very sharp-looking. The other one from Chicago added a separate page with red stamps. More "traditional" looking with all the red if you know what I mean. Interesting to see how the authentications differ from embassy to embassy.

The final copy of our homestudy finally arrived late last week, with a copy of what was sent to the CIS office, and two copies of the dossier country report, one for the dossier and an additional copy.

Of course, there were a few details that grabbed my attention and made me wonder whether we should worry about them. My philosophy is if we need to worry about doing something, we should get it done NOW!

So of course I had to contact my placing agency to see what was going on. I really don't bug them that often. This is only the second time I have contacted them about *anything* in the dossier process, but it is always some picky little detail that I don't quite believe in the documentation. In this case, I had to ask about some little detail showing up in our homestudy, but not being required in a separate report. It's been drilled into my head how important it is to have the homestudy and documentation match, and here was this errant detail that had no supporting report at all!! This was after we had been told we didn't need a separate report by our homestudy agency, blah-blah-blah :) So of course, I was like: whaaaa?

No doubt this was another instance of conflicting information that messes with my head...

... Such as the *additional* issue about whether the notary's commission expirations date needed to be good at the time that the match is made. The homestudy notary has barely a year before her commission expires, so naturally I was anxious, I mean, concerned. hehe

But when I called my dossier contact, she said neither of those issues were a problem. Being the picky, detailed-obsessed person that I am, I asked again for confirmation about the notary commission expirations, asking really, because I had heard that could be a problem. At THAT, she gave a sigh like she had had to answer to this question way more often than she'd like and said, "That's an unfortunate rumor." Paradoxically, that was convincing enough to reassure me that she wasn't holding out on something I should worry about! lol

Boy, did I feel like an idiot, though. I'm also a little disappointed. I was hoping for a little more hand-holding in the process. I am mostly very self sufficient, making lists and coordinating the various documents comings and goings like air traffic control. It's only on these little details that worry me, and then I need a live person to tell me that it's really, truly okay, that I've done exactly what I need to do.

So now that THAT's officially A-Okay (and my contact thinks I'm a flake), we sent off the homestudy and new document on their rounds together, (kee hee!) like the big sister taking care of the little sister. Wheee! If we are lucky, that will come back in time to get sent to DC this week, and then we *wait* until Ms Rice comes home to sign more documents... and then send them out to the next embassy in line and *wait* some more.... *whew* It is rather exhausting at times.

* * * * * *

Last week, I met my mother for lunch and had a good visit. I was telling her about the current state of the paperwork process, and about the list of blog posts on "Why China" which she was also curious about. I ended up telling her more about our decision-making process (which I will write up at some point), and even about the length of time (years) we had spent trying various other options, mostly medical.

I have to admit, I sometimes bludgeon people a little with black humor and gory detail if they get too breezy about our trials. If they want to dismiss all of OUR pain, yes, I CAN share details of loss and medical procedures and injectables and such--to help THEM feel a little part of our pain. Then they tend to think oops! Maybe it wasn't so easy afterall. Doing my small part of educate others. :) heheh

Of course, I have gained enough distance from those traumatic times to use them as a defensive weapon if necessary, to laugh and make jokes about what we went through. If I make somebody wince, I am not that sorry. Maybe they will be more sensitive to stepping where they don't belong. Cold of me, huh? Okay, I do try to be subtle about it, but the impulse to be blunt IS there. I am not obvious in my guilt trips. I am matter of fact, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes that does feel blunt.

Anyway, I was rather blasé about needles and such. After a while, my mother mused that she had not realized until some of our conversation this Christmas how much we had "gone through" before we pursued adoption. Not that we should share all the personal details, she hastily added. I'm taking that as a chagrined admission that she has not always been as sensitive to our situation as she might have been. No, not really. I mean, she was acknowledging that there was more to our process than she had been privy too. That we had good reasons for doing what we do, and she respected that.

Overall, it was a good conversation.

* * * * * *

On a completely different note, last weekend was chock-full of performance and success, acknowledgment and new opportunities opening up. I have no end point plotted out on this particular path, but I love what I'm doing! It's so satisfying that I will keep following it and see where it goes as long as its working. It's too self-identifying to speak about in detail here, but it works so well with my personality and aptitudes that it would be painful to NOT pursue it at this point.

Even my new variation on teaching will be quite interesting. The director of the program I'm soon starting asked me what I wanted to do with the certificate. I laughed and said I don't know! Maybe this possibility x, maybe that possibility y, maybe both or something altogether different. Maybe it will not work at all, but it has been calling to me, and so I owe it myself to explore the possibility. See where it leads me...

K has been leading me to think of the creative process again. Cool stuff. As the saying goes: ... dance like nobody's watching... For me, I add: live like your whole life is a work of art. It's not pretty like some art. Well, some of it is. Some of it makes friends and family say Wow! But most of it is messier and more fluid than others are sometimes happy with. But it does not help it develop if I try to cut it down to size to fit inside a particular box or frame. Living OUTside the frame, yeah. Being open to the flow and see where it leads me.

* * * * * *

Star Signatures

Surprisingly enough, the big packet of documents coming from the St@te Department arrived this morning via F3dEx! Despite the federal holiday. I was especially surprised (yet pleased) because I had been looking up the tracking number every couple days and had seen no movement on it yet.

I was also very surprised to look down the first page and see the name C0nd0leeza Rice on the authentication statement. Doh! :) How could I forget. Yeah, she is our Secretray of St@te. So there it was: her scrawl on every authentication page. I am somehow amazed.

I had several thoughts in quick succession:
Wow, Condi touched all of our documents! (or at least the authentication pages)
Then: How do I feel about THAT, since I am not a fan. Ew, mixed thoughts. (several thoughts deleted)
Then: EEEeeeeeeee! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Finally: No wonder the packet took so long; she's been so darn busy selling the recent um, change, in troops numbers.

My husband joked, "So do you think the next time we need to send documents, we should look at her schedule?" Yeah, maybe we should get the next ones in before she leaves for the Mid-East later this week... We think that probably everytime she comes back into Washington, her secretaries have stacks and stacks of documents lined up and waiting for her to scrawl several hundred signatures at a time. Do you think she blocks out an hour a day just to sign documents? How else would you ever get it all done?

In any case, I am very happy to have that batch in hand after hearing *nada* for so long.

Even better, the final homestudy report has been tweaked and should be in our hands within the next couple days. So the paperwork seems to be coming together again after "resting" the last couple weeks. We still need to re-notorize a corrected document, blah, blah, blah. But that is small potatoes considering the larger picture of getting the dossier ready.

I'm feeling upbeat about finishing it in good time yet again. Do I hear the end of January, early February, can I get a January? Yesss! We have The End of January for the young lady in back! There are other important things happening, but I am focused on this.

* * * * * *

Docs and Sightings

The St@te Dept has had our packet of documents since Jan 3rd. Result? Nada! This concerns me a little.
The Chinese Embassies have had our birth certificates for authentication since last Monday. Result? So far, one package was attempted to be delivered yesterday morning. So I have hope.

* * * * *

In other news: if you happen to see a small Asian child who is apparently adopted, do not, I repeat, do NOT attempt to draw my attention to their presence by pointing, squealing,"Oh, look!!!!!!!!!!!" and looking at me meaningfully.

Yes, I can spot an Asian child at 50 paces. Yes, I do see adopted Asian (and other) children in my community fairly frequently. No, I do not need to talk to/gawk at said child or their parents; they are not a side show. No, I do not need my other aquaintances to wonder why I should be excited at the mere sight of an adopted Asian child. When I see my own child for the first time, yes, THEN I will be excited. So please do not jump up and down and wiggle your eyebrows at me meaningfully; I'm sorry but other people's adopted Asian children are just not that novel. So please restrain yourself, and you can preserve *everybody's* sense of privacy and decorum.

This has been a public service anouncement by way of illustration.

Embracing Housewifery

"Hi I'm Marie, and I'm a housewife."

I've been embracing my house wifery in the last several months. Partly it's because I'm tired of justifying what I do and don't do. It's nobody's business how much money we make (except, of course, our adoption agencies and oh yeah, the tax people) or how fulfilling my serial, complex career has been. So rather than making vague answers to that question "what do you do?," I come right out and say "not much!" or "I'm a housewife" or, depending on how I'm feeling, I'll explain my recent trajectory of educational/design projects. I like my projects; I just don't feel it necessary to justify my existence or use of time that way.

But if I don't feel like giving a history (which admittedly can be interesting), I'll just cut straight to the chase. The secret to this is that I am cheerful about it. I announce it with a smile and get it out of the way without a fuss. Only the most obnoxious dare say anything about the income. Or look down their noses at me because I am not working full time. And those people are also surprised to find that we have a nice life without me working full-time. Because, you know, we are thrifty people with live-small values. We like our life together.

Taking on the label of a housewife (for however long until I am sick of it) frees me up to do all kinds of things. Less guilt, more productivity. :) So I have my self-imposed list of tasks. I get stuff done, both around the house and on my own projects. My husband is very supportive. And actually, I am the one who does more housework these days. But hey, my husband is bringing in the big bucks (lol), so the least I can do is sweep the floor occasionally. But I *like* sweeping the floor and cleaning various things; there is satisfaction in that, as I have blogged about elsewhere.

The big issue underpinning my current housewife status is that I have put off *numerous* career moves because I have (had) thought for the past oh... 4+ freakin' years(!!) was that I would become a Mom any day now. yeah. So I've left a big space in my life to be a SAHM. Except, I don't have a baby to justify my SAH existence. Which has been frustrating, in fact at times, excruciating. Not that I mind staying home more, but where is my baby? That's been very hard. I could have had my second child by now if things had gone according to plan. ha, yes, plan.

Now that we have gotten into the long process to Baby (adopting from China), I am more relaxed about being home. Another two years? eh... uh... ack! I mean, no problem! :) I do feel at the end of all of it, I will have my baby to love.

I don't *like* the wait extending; sometimes I want to cry over how long we have been wanting a child. But on the positive side, I have a year or two (or three) to pursue shorter-term projects, of which I have several already in the works. I'm excited about having that time as a "last fling" of sorts before Impending Motherhood. Of course, I have been fooled before. See previous 4+ years. Which has taught me that if there's something I really want to do, I should go do it rather than wait. So I'm using this time in a positive light.

And besides, we have major work on the house and household to be ready for a baby/toddler. And besides, as my husband has pointed out, we probably would have been nowhere near this far along in our paperchase if I *had* been working full-time. So I am house-wife-ing away, working full-time on house and paperchase and my various cool projects. If I have to wait, I might as well enjoy it somehow.

Waiting for Authentication

Well, it's not Waiting for Godot (who never came), but it's feeling similar. The days and weeks stretch.

We've sent off a larger packet to the US State Department to further authenticate the stack of docs that are from this state before sending them to the embassy. The two birth certifs have been dispatched to their respective embassies based on state zones. One to Chicago, one to New York. They have all been received, but no word yet on when they will reemerge.

The authentications are a special aggravation because of all the little details we need to follow. We need to send things like an additional set of photocopies and a copy of of our passport, PLUS the official request form. Oh yeah, plus a money order, and the embassies are no wimps. 20 bucks per doc and a $5 per-package fee. So that will add up even more dramatically*.

Then packages have to be sent by something trackable, but the return mailer has to be by prepaid US Express mail. Oh yeah, and that return mailer has to be *stamped* not metered, which necessitates a special trip to the post office. The larger package of docs will be more problematic because they probably won't all fit into the flat rate mailer (especially if they add an additional page onto each document during authentication). ... Wait. No, we won't be able to use the flat rate mailer for that because we *also* have to make a complete set of photocopies to send with, and that will double the page count. So we will have to weigh the whole thing. I can't wait to see what the total is for THAT. :) Although I have an idea of mailing them in batches if that is cheaper. I have to see whether the extra cost of an extra package fee outweighs the weight of approximately... um... 84+ pages??!! Eeek! (see this is why I don't add things up; I don't want to know.)

* While we are listing our expenses as we pay them, we are NOT keeping a running tally of the costs associated with adoption. Too depressing. Time enough to add up all the receipts when/if we manage to apply for a deduction from the IR$.

Anyhoo. The state agencies have generally done pretty well--a day or two before sending the docs back out. However, neither the Chinese Emb@ssies nor the State Dep@rtment are exactly whipping our docs back to us. I suspect that the national/international offices are pretty well swamped with both everyday business, AND with the crush of hopeful adoptive parents trying to get in their dossiers before May 1st (when the new restrictions take effect). We are fine... but we'll still suffer some slow down.

Now to nag our homestudy agency again about our country study... It just occured to me last week that maybe THAT document has to go through the whole certification process too.... and yup, it's true: Notarization > State Certified > Nationally Authenticated > Embassy Authenticated. aaaiigh!! Yes, I know I am working on a whole collection of exclamations of frustration and anguish. But ** Onward **

Dossier pieces coming together

Yea! The F@d Ex guy just delivered our packet of certified documents from the Secretary of State's office! So they *were* open this week--fabulous!

Also, I got an email back from our homestudy agency saying that our country report would be ready sometime *next week*, and they'd send it out to our placing agency for review then. We don't even have to send them any extra money for that like I was thinking.

Having more pieces coming together is motivating M to work on getting the last few passport mug shots taken.

* * * * *

Recently I have been attempting to re-calculate how long our expected wait will be until a match. We have been telling everyone "at least two years" but I am wondering whether that's really true. So I have been looking for evidence that it might be either longer or shorter than 24 months.

Rumor Queen had a chart once, that I recall, but I can't find it. It might have been my imagination. In any case, it might not work for those of us just recently logging in.

I looked on my agency website again. They are currently saying 14-16 months for match wait, or 21-24 from application approval to traveling. In my mind, I am really thinking 18-24 months. But also, I am aware that the rumors of 3 years might be true...

My plan is that I will wait a year from our log-in date, and then see how things are progressing. Then wait another year and see, etc. I can't spend any attention nitpicking, er obsessing over, er trying to predict, time details until it gets closer to match time.

* * * * *

Reviewing our dossier instructions (which is as precise and detailed as doing taxes) to see what we should do next, I realized that the batch of docs that we JUST got back will ALSO need to be authenticated by the US Dep@rtment of State.

Looking at the clock, I saw that I had a bit more time this evening before the local mail shop closed, so I whipped out the cover letter et al in record time and got that whole batch of documents back on the road. Woot!

Next up:

Documents being verified and authenticated by various Chinese embassies depending on document source state.
That involves making photocopies of originals, and arranging for a self-addressed, self-stamped USPS return mailer, AND buying money orders. Not to mention the usual cover letter & application form combo. But we are psyched to move all of this forward as soon as humanly possible.

Yeah, I am spending a little more to do next day delivery in many/most cases, but if we are efficient with our time, we might squeak in our dossier submission by the end of January. This is where judicious pushing will shave off time. We shall see!

Suppressing glee *now stop that!*

We had a great Christmas with family, including with our little niece, who is not old enough to understand the point of unwrapping presents, but old enough to enjoy the presents she gets.

My mother has already hit that *gleee!* stage about the adoption. I think it's brought on by how wonderful my niece is. Twice, my mother has said: "...and I'm looking forward to *another* one!!!!!!!"
Yes, with all those exclamation marks; you know I come by that honestly.

The first time I just said that yeah, we are looking forward to it too, but it was going to be a while.

The second time, I was worried that she was getting so worked up. I told her that I was glad she's excited, but it's going to be at least two years, probably three before she gets a Christmas with our little girl. 2007, 2008, Yup, probably not 'til Christmas 2009, I said.

She looked momentarily distracted by that information but refused to be dampened. "You never know...!!!!" *twinkle twinkle*

At that point, M stepped in and stated it very matter of factly. "No, it'll be at least two years. You should get used to that idea."

That dampened her.

* * * *
I feel bad that we are in a position of squelching her natural excitement at the thought of another granddaughter. I suppose it would not harm anything to let her carry on, except that after a few years of this, we would all be getting worn out with it.

I feel we have a relatively realistic perspective, and I don't want her or anyone else to think that this baby is just going to pop out in a year.

More to the point, I don't want her or anyone else crying from the back seat of the car-- Are We There Yet?? -- when we are nowhere near match time. So it's for BOTH our sakes. Yeah, that's it.

* * * *

On another note, we sent off all 14 documents to our Secretary of State's Office on Friday. According to the tracking system, they were delivered this morning. Yea!!! (So the offices ARE open this week.) If we are lucky, the packet with certifications will get sent out again tomorrow and we'll have them in our hands before New Years.

I also nagged, I mean asked, our placing agency what was up with the home study. We have never seen a final version of that, although we know that it must have been sent to the USCIS in order to generate our favorable determination. But they still have to write up a country report for our dossier. THEY haven't been open, so I also sent an email so our contact would get it as soon as she comes back in. I was trying to be polite and NOT say, "Where the hell is our home study, woman!!" heheh

I know that this is too soon to be gleeful about finishing the dossier, but we can feel the end is in sight.

I have been digging through our dossier instructions to see what the next step will be after we get all documents certified. I know the authentication comes next, but does a copy get reviewed by our agency first? Do we hire a courier to walk our packet in to the Chinese Embassy for translation, or, or does our agency do that for us?? I have gotten info from a variety of sources, so now that is probably confusing me a little. I should look at our official dossier guide to see what they recommend.

Well, if I don't *have* to send it over to the agency twice, I don't mind! I would be happy for our placing agency to take care of all of it! If that is actually true, we might be even closer to the finish than I thought. That would be lovely. Then I could start all those house projects that will occupy me for two years. :)

Actually, I am about to start classes for a slightly new career direction. I am excited about that. Something to take my mind off the dossier after it's logged in. And it will be done well before we are matched... I have at least two years to make inroads (experience) in at least two new directions. Boo-yeah!

Documents going on a trip.

Wow. Yesterday was a full day. M and I spent large chunks of time writing/reviewing/editing the final draft of our adoption petition. It's like writing a thesis in double time. But it was the last document we needed to complete to move forward, so we hashed it out. M kept saying, "It's great! It's perfect! It's done! You don't need to do anything more on it!" But several tweaks later... it was even better (I hope).

We are somewhat more motivated by the CCAA's new restrictions involving health, wealth, age, etc. We are very lucky that we are not immediately impacted. But it does make us that much more eager to get our paperwork in the queue.

Anyway, we then compiled our documents and braved holiday traffic (ack!) to go first to the bank for all the notarizations we'd accumulated (our bank does free notarizations for us--yea!), and then to our favorite mailing store where they know we are in the thick of adoption paperwork.

All of the 14 documents went off to the secretary of state's office to be certified. Whee! The only low point was that one of the guys at the shop told us a scary story about another couple who had sent off the same kind of batch to the sec. of state's office, only to have their documents shredded! They had to start over from scratch. Oh, I really didn't need to hear that. But I figure that there's no point in worrying about such extreme disasters until/unless they occur. Have I not already done my share of worrying?? Why, yes, I have.

I don't know if that office will even be open the week after Christmas. It's possible that they will be out until January. But if they are /in situ/, we might get them back before New Year's. The other birth certif we had to send off to another state was turned around and back in our hands in fab record time!!!

After we had sent off the whole thing, I finished feeling snippy and went straight into feeling weepy and tired. It's been an emotional ordeal, and more so when I have been doing the bulk of the paperwork and obsessing over getting all the little details right. M points out that even though we've had to focus on the dry and picky paperwork, each part is embued with emotion, and that has an impact. The fact that we've sent off what we think are ALL the docs we need to finally almost finish our dossier is very emotional. It's also a relief. I feel like we've been running a long race, and we've finally reached a major milestone and can coast for a while. Of course, this is just a breather before we are back at it to finish the process entirely.

Left to do:
Have extra passport photos made for via purposes.
Photocopy and sent to placing agency for dossier review.
Send to Chinese embassy via courier to be authenticated and translated.
Transfer more money to cover agency fees.
Photocopied in entireity and sent to our agency with two LARGE CHECKs.

And then we will be finished only two months behind my original goal. Ah well. Onward.

Five Lessons on a slow day

I'm feeling slow to keep moving forward with IA procedings now that Christmas preparations are competing for attention. Despite being "so close' to finishing the dossier. (It's all those editing decisions.) However, I have a few recent points to note.

We got our birth certifs back via F@d Ex, although one now has to go to the Secretary of State office of its state of origin. Turns out the documents from Vital Statistics, etc are sooo official that we didn't have to send it way over there to the county office first after all. Doh! Waste of $30, that what with sending it by Special delivery foreward and back. :( But the lady from the county office was nice enough to call me long distance and explain that specifically, so even though I felt dumb, I at least was clear on what was going on.

/First Lesson: Read the damn instructions before you send money! / :)

On the up side, I just got the special goodies for thank you presents to all of our references. Handmade goodies that are particularly scrumptious and beyond my own skills. For which we paid lots of appreciative money. It involves chocolate. Yeah. Say no more. If you are one of our references who wrote us such nice letters, you have already been wallowing in the results of our gratitude. :) Yum!

/Second lesson: Appreciate the people who help you. /

I'm waiting to hear from either of my two friends who are due any day now, and --who know!-- could be in labor as I type. I trust that eventually I will hear the news.

/Third lesson: Enjoy other people's success and good news. Everyone deserves to be happy./

One of said friends sent me a nice little thank you note for my shower present, letting me know about her expected maternity leave and expressing a desire that I come and visit her and the baby during their time at home. :) I am looking forward to that! Unfortunately, she then added a "good luck in building your own family" to the end of it. Errrr WTF? A little gratuitous pity? Yeah, I guess she is feeling guilty that it's her instead of me about to give birth. But WHY draw my attention to that fact? I guess she couldn't go without mentioning that. Thanks. It makes it SO much easier to maintain my composure and genuine good wishes. [ahem] Anyway... as I was saying...

/Fourth Lesson: Guilt sometimes causes one to say insensitive or intrusive things when it would have been better left alone. /


/Fifth and Biggest Lesson: I hope I have enough wisdom and sensitivity to avoid being an ass to others by accident. /