The telling of the plans.

We had Thanksgiving week with my inlaws, parents, nieces and nephews and all. It was fun and relaxing. I took lots of pics of the kids like I love doing, playing games, conversing about their interests and activities, feeling fuzzy nephew ears, and all that good stuff.

We told M's parents about our adoption plans the very first evening we were there with just the four of us. My MIL got so excited in the build-up to the announcement which was pretty cute. She was so excited, she clutched at my FIL in anticipation. :) But I deliberately started out saying, "We are in the process of..." rather than "We are expecting that... " because I didn't want to give them the wrong idea by accident, and really, it would be too painful to have to say that I *wasn't* pregnant. But anyway, they seemed very happy for us and expressed happiness and excitement and immediately started remembering every last person they knew who had ever adopted an Asian child. ... I have realized that most people use this as a way of relating to your situation or decision, saying obliquely that they are ok with it.

I blathered on about various aspects of the process, being very upbeat and excited, but we didn't really get any questions out of them, which of course, makes me a little wary. hehe truly. I would rather that they didn't spin their wheels in private; I would rather they spit out their questions and concerns so we can deal with it, er, I mean talk about it, openly. But oh, well. :) We tried. At least we have it out in the open now, and they and we will have a couple years to deal with whatever they can come up with to be concerned about!

Later we went out to eat with them and M's aunt and uncle. The aunt is a very religious but very sweet and warm-hearted person. At one point during the meal, I look over, and M's dad, (my FIL) is gesturing repeatedly towards his sister, jerking his head and and giving me meaningful looks. Now, it hadn't even *occurred* to me to share the whole saga with her as we are not especially close to her (although we have good relations with whatever interactions we do have). I could have just ignored all the sign language or pretended to not understand, although that may have induced him to say something like, "I think M & M have something they'd like to share...," (ack!) resulting in an awkward moment, thank you very much! But anyway, I split-second decided to meet that bull head-on, sort to speak and started telling her the Reader's Dig@st version of our plans. Actually, her reaction was even more enthusiastic than M's parents! She seemed very delighted by it. We then spent some time talking over all the Asian adoptees she could think of (that reaction again - lol), and talking about her daughter's missionary work in an Asian country (which I'd asked about because I am interested and enjoy hearing about their cultural endeavors AND I know it's a topic she enjoys talking about).

... It was a fun reaction from the aunt. It really makes me smile to think about. It's a good feeling when someone is wishing you well without giving advice or expressing doubts or admonishments.

In retrospect, I suspect that my FIL was prodding me to tell his sister because in his conflict-avoidance way, he didn't want to have to tell her himself (sigh). But all things considered, the whole telling-of-the-plans went well. And we gave them a realistic idea of how long it would take (two years).

Later, my Aunt-in-law asked me to keep her up to date with the process. Since we are almost done with the dossier and about to enter The Long Wait (TLW), I let me know that there wasn't going to be much going on for a while. I did tell her a bunch about the process once we got matched and other random related topics. I could see my FIL inclining his ear to hear more, so I hope he got some questions answered even if he couldn't ask them.

Earlier, I had gone ahead and addressed the whole secrecy thing, or about how and why we had delayed telling them ALL About It (not that they would have enjoyed hearing all about our IF and IA trials and tribulations). I said we hadn't shared it with many people early on until we got farther along in the process, but that we'd asked M's sister to write us a letter of recommendation in the homestudy process. They immediately said--well, she didn't say anything about *that*!! I said, well good! We had asked her to not to! ... But that we wanted to tell them in person, and we were happy that now we could talk about it with them...etc etc (and thus sparing my SIL from having to defend her actions in the future).

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It's difficult to finesse the sharing of data points sometimes. I don't want to have to justify who I tell what when where about our personal plans. I certainly want to protect our own privacy. Nobody is entitled to get the dirt on every last living private detail me & M have! But that's a subject in itself.... Still, I don't want anyone in my immediate family at least to feel that they are out of the loop on the adoption thing. There has been too much history of hard feelings when secrets linger unequally among family members.

My own sister recently asked if she and her H could share that they had agreed to be designated guardians. I would like to be the one to share that with other family members to minimize hard feelings (my 'telling it from the horse's mouth' strategy), but I think if it comes up in conversation, he shouldn't feel constrained from mentioning it, and I told her that. Again, I don't want to let an air of secrecy fester in that regard.

So onward... M says that now, "you know that if my aunt knows, that ALL of my cousins will know." Yes, but oh well. :) It doesn't bother me so much, maybe because they are not my immediate family and they will gossip about us regardless. Eh, do I need to care? :)

But then this brings to mind whether I should torture my own mother with not being "able" to tell all of MY family all about it. I know she is dying to talk about it with her sisters and be able to respond to her own in-laws on whether (I kid you not) I am pregnant yet. (Ooooo! A whole 'nother topic!!! %-D) Not that she might have not already dropped heavy hints already. (sigh) She did tell me that if somebody asked her point blank whether we were considering adoption that she was not going to be able to lie effectively! She wondered if she could say that we were "thinking about it." I thought, yeah, she could get away with it.

I am of two minds about that. On one hand, I am getting darn close to saying-- oh what the hell--tell them! Why keep it under wraps? On the OTHER hand, some family members deal in personal information and will try to use any scrap of info to speculate and bludgeon us with advice, doubts or admonishments (see above). Soooo I am not inclined to give them any more information than necessary. But MEANWHILE, my mother and my closest cousin are just *bursting* with excitement over this news (or bursting with the need to share it--of similar urgency), and may start spilling beans because of this bursting condition. Soooo I could/might control this information more effectively by letting out an announcement along with the annual Christmas letters. OR I could just sit on it for a while longer. Because after all, I didn't hear anything about another family adoption until it was a done deal, and why should I not have the same rights to privacy???

Ok, the privacy wins out. I have to live with this limbo state for at least another couple years. I don't need my aunts and assorted relatives peering over my shoulder and saying stupid things for ALL that time (although they will eventually, but why hurry that along?). I half expect my one particularly half-crazy aunt to phone me up and start asking me about my adopting these foreign babies. As soon as she gets wind of it... wait for the astoundingly inappropriate remarks...

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I guess everybody likes to talk about new and unusual things. My friend whose baby shower I went to recently asked me as soon as she saw me if I was "telling everyone yet." I said nooo... She said to be sure and tell her when I started telling everyone so she could "talk about it." I told her, "Heck! You can talk to ME about it!" As if news doesn't exist until you can share it. But no, everybody wants to be told: "Here's some juicy news! Now discuss amongst yourselves!" lol I leave you with that thought.