Happy New Year, and 2008 rushes onward with barely a howdee-do to the ghost of Christmas leftovers. 

We had a mahhhvelous Christmas together, relaxed and cozy, and then we spent the 26th doing the family thing over my parents house.  That was a hoot as well--especially seeing my littlest niece getting into the swing of things.  Then a couple of dancing and singing events, and suddenly it was New Years.  I have to say that the best gift was being with M with so much free time.  Usually, he or us both get a little frazzled with obligations, so to have time to sit around and talk or read or cook or shop together was so fun.   I actually resisted turning on my computer the entire day of Christmas, and it was amazingly refreshing, leaving space for all sorts of other things.  It brings to mind what a friend once said about her computer: It's a phenomenal time-waster.   I resolved last week to find more days that are non-internet days. 

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Anyhoo, it was a lovely time. We also went to the Sunday nativity play service at my church, although we ran so darn late.  M  is even worse than I am for running things down to the wire, so I was steaming in the car on the way over, just furious.  I hate being late. But then I decided that I wasn't going to give him further grief about that.  Just let it go.  And what do you know. It worked... I can't change him, but somehow a generosity worked its way in there, and I felt more at peace with it, and it seemed to give him a more generous space too.  Very cool. More about that later if I can figure out how to write it. 

We really enjoyed the musical nativity play. The music was something else, joyful and moving. I found it unexpectedly hard, though, when they started singing a number called "would you like to hold the baby?"  I felt like I was strangling on grief or something.  I couldn't hold back tears, but I was not at liberty to just start gasping and sobbing and carrying on!  Then I was really glad that we had come in so late and were sitting just inside the door in back, out of sight of most people.  I didn't have to worry so much about the unappetizing look of my snotty face.  M looked at me in concern, but I just shook my head... It did cross my mind to wonder if I should leave, but what would be the ultimate effect of that? Would I actually feel better by leaving? Nah... I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.  Not my fault that it brought all kinds of raw emotions to the surface.  I was just glad that I could be there without being stared at.  It's so awkward to display emotion in public.  People are so concerned and yet one doesn't really want to explain or... 

After the service, I ran into someone who I used to sing with who had just moved back to town. She said she had had a hard time keeping her composure singing in the last half after she saw me tearing up.  Oh, was that you singing up front? lol  Me without my glasses did not even recognize her way up there!  I just thought it was lovely how I wasn't the only one feeling overly-moved. haha  I told her -- You know me; I come to church to cry!  

Then I ran into one of our ministers later.  She asked me meaningfully but discretely if we had heard any news (meaning our adoption proceedings, since she had written one of our reference letters for us way back when).  I gently broke it to her that the only news was that the wait would take years.  She said... well, even if I am not in town, please email or call me when something happens!   She's about to be gone for a long while, so it was sweet to hear that.   I confided that the nativity service had been hard on me. She looked at me searchingly and asked how I was doing with that, and did I feel okay about it.  I couldn't come up with anything to say...  After all, what *I* feel about it is irrelevant to the reality of the situation!   After I said something of that, she mused that perhaps this was good preparation for becoming a parent, how some things are jut out of our control.  Yeah, I guess so. I am sure learning stuff about forbearance! 

And then we went to the Christmas Eve service and that was even more lovely. I can barely sing Silent Night at the end--it always chokes me up.  Then I realized that rather than try to choke out the tune, I could just smile and drink in the scene: candle light and a church full of fellowship and music.  It was really beautiful.   And then I found could sing the last two lines. Damn. Making me tear up again just writing about it.  There lies the sacred, the ineffable joy and sorrow all mixed together. Ah, life.  

And then bringing in the new year surrounded by friends and music...  You know, 2007 was actually a pretty good year for us.  I can remember last January and projects I did back then...major happenings in Feb and March...  it doesn't seem that long ago at all... I look back in astonishment.  So much cool stuff in the last year.  If I could have another year like last year, it wouldn't be bad. 

So now, taking down the lights and decorations in a rush of activity, putting new projects and phases into action, I feel optimistic.  It's a new year, and onward!  

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