Happy New Year, and 2008 rushes onward with barely a howdee-do to the ghost of Christmas leftovers. 

We had a mahhhvelous Christmas together, relaxed and cozy, and then we spent the 26th doing the family thing over my parents house.  That was a hoot as well--especially seeing my littlest niece getting into the swing of things.  Then a couple of dancing and singing events, and suddenly it was New Years.  I have to say that the best gift was being with M with so much free time.  Usually, he or us both get a little frazzled with obligations, so to have time to sit around and talk or read or cook or shop together was so fun.   I actually resisted turning on my computer the entire day of Christmas, and it was amazingly refreshing, leaving space for all sorts of other things.  It brings to mind what a friend once said about her computer: It's a phenomenal time-waster.   I resolved last week to find more days that are non-internet days. 

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Anyhoo, it was a lovely time. We also went to the Sunday nativity play service at my church, although we ran so darn late.  M  is even worse than I am for running things down to the wire, so I was steaming in the car on the way over, just furious.  I hate being late. But then I decided that I wasn't going to give him further grief about that.  Just let it go.  And what do you know. It worked... I can't change him, but somehow a generosity worked its way in there, and I felt more at peace with it, and it seemed to give him a more generous space too.  Very cool. More about that later if I can figure out how to write it. 

We really enjoyed the musical nativity play. The music was something else, joyful and moving. I found it unexpectedly hard, though, when they started singing a number called "would you like to hold the baby?"  I felt like I was strangling on grief or something.  I couldn't hold back tears, but I was not at liberty to just start gasping and sobbing and carrying on!  Then I was really glad that we had come in so late and were sitting just inside the door in back, out of sight of most people.  I didn't have to worry so much about the unappetizing look of my snotty face.  M looked at me in concern, but I just shook my head... It did cross my mind to wonder if I should leave, but what would be the ultimate effect of that? Would I actually feel better by leaving? Nah... I wanted to be there.  I needed to be there.  Not my fault that it brought all kinds of raw emotions to the surface.  I was just glad that I could be there without being stared at.  It's so awkward to display emotion in public.  People are so concerned and yet one doesn't really want to explain or... 

After the service, I ran into someone who I used to sing with who had just moved back to town. She said she had had a hard time keeping her composure singing in the last half after she saw me tearing up.  Oh, was that you singing up front? lol  Me without my glasses did not even recognize her way up there!  I just thought it was lovely how I wasn't the only one feeling overly-moved. haha  I told her -- You know me; I come to church to cry!  

Then I ran into one of our ministers later.  She asked me meaningfully but discretely if we had heard any news (meaning our adoption proceedings, since she had written one of our reference letters for us way back when).  I gently broke it to her that the only news was that the wait would take years.  She said... well, even if I am not in town, please email or call me when something happens!   She's about to be gone for a long while, so it was sweet to hear that.   I confided that the nativity service had been hard on me. She looked at me searchingly and asked how I was doing with that, and did I feel okay about it.  I couldn't come up with anything to say...  After all, what *I* feel about it is irrelevant to the reality of the situation!   After I said something of that, she mused that perhaps this was good preparation for becoming a parent, how some things are jut out of our control.  Yeah, I guess so. I am sure learning stuff about forbearance! 

And then we went to the Christmas Eve service and that was even more lovely. I can barely sing Silent Night at the end--it always chokes me up.  Then I realized that rather than try to choke out the tune, I could just smile and drink in the scene: candle light and a church full of fellowship and music.  It was really beautiful.   And then I found could sing the last two lines. Damn. Making me tear up again just writing about it.  There lies the sacred, the ineffable joy and sorrow all mixed together. Ah, life.  

And then bringing in the new year surrounded by friends and music...  You know, 2007 was actually a pretty good year for us.  I can remember last January and projects I did back then...major happenings in Feb and March...  it doesn't seem that long ago at all... I look back in astonishment.  So much cool stuff in the last year.  If I could have another year like last year, it wouldn't be bad. 

So now, taking down the lights and decorations in a rush of activity, putting new projects and phases into action, I feel optimistic.  It's a new year, and onward!  

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A Blue but Happy Solstice

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For some reason this year, I have been much more aware of the shifting of the planet, the darkness creeping ever further into the day.  So I looked forward to the Solstice with more than cursory attention. Another day closer to the bottom of the year, before we started shifting back into the light--Yess!!

We went to a bonfire last night, hung out with friends in the cold, noshing on food and dodging sparks and smoke.  Lots of funny stories about recent projects, botched opportunities to talk to our children about sex maturely (haha!), and the most outrageous things that we've taken onto planes in carry-on luggage before "the recent brouhaha" (as a British friend calls it) made such things impossible. (For the curious, the list included a chainsaw, a small butane torch, cans of salmon, and bloody scalpels and surgical scissors, and 40 pounds of frozen cow tissue for research purposes, thank you. No, I'm not kidding about any of it.)  Also, of children finally flying the nest and gossip about acquaintances still suffering from serious illness that's never gone into remission (dammit), and houses half-renovated and clients who have more money than taste...  

I can't say I was feeling very talkative.  It was just nice to see friends and be in the circle, eat some soup, watch the clouds racing over the nearly-full moon.   Afterwards, I felt a little blue. Probably it's just the early-winter lack-of-light kicking in. Or the let-down of adrenaline after finishing a busy week. Or my period kicking in.  Or the reminder that people probably gossip about us when we are not around.  Or that I have a few things that just won't get done this year, damn those ambitions.   Or maybe just not enough chocolate. 

I have actually gotten out Christmas cards this year after years and years of abstaining.  Wrote a holiday letter and everything and persisted in cultivating non-perfectionistic attitudes--it's good.  I made Christmas cookies with my niece and got a new pizzelle press, with which I have been gleefully making pizzelles.  It's just... I don't know. Chalk it up to holiday blues.   Again, M is pretty amazing, though.  He's not one to press me to be or feel something I don't.  I don't know how he does it sometimes, dealing with me and my moods when I get irate or upset or just depressed.  Classic male internalizer, I guess. :)  That and he loves me.  He also says that I am so caring and understanding when he needs to talk about his stuff as well, so I don't feel so bad about leaning on him when I need it.  

So... much to do this weekend, even though we are moving slowly at the moment.  I am enjoying my new Christmas music, CD versions of some old Windham Hill tapes.  

Other happy things:  

Earlier this week, I spent a significant chunk of money buying toys to donate to a local Share Your Christmas program.  I had fun finding numerous presents appropriate for children between the ages of 7-17.  We also made a gift run (together--it's fun! heehee) to buy for family members, and knocked off most of our list. We've even kept to our original budget pretty well.  My sisters are also thinking along the same lines, so it's actually kinda fun working within this $20-25 parameter.  It also helps avoid my perfectionism from getting in the way (too much) of making choices. 

Six cards in the mail box this morning!  Woot!!  That the haul included cards from a neighbor, a former neighbor, a Flickr friend, a Jewish friend, and someone I haven't heard from in more than 5 years is all the more astounding to me.  Must send out my own last few cards.  

I don't know if I will have he wherewithal to post a lovely holiday greeting, so consider yourselves greeted. :)  I really appreciate the comments and connections out here on the web, even on this brave new world of blogging. 

A cheerful, newsy email from the niece who's old enough to be on the internet. :)  The promise of rain tomorrow... The promise of cookies to come. :)  The lack of cat spit on the pine needles (believe me, this is a very good thing!).  Photos of my friends' Christmas trees and interiors.  Cozy interiors. Cozy spouses. Green vegetables to take the edge off the cookie madness.  Time to get off the internet and do other things.  And yea for more light coming back. We need it. 

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Goodbye Lisa, hello daughter.

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I've been following the comic Funky Winkerbean. http://funkywinkerbean.com/ It's interesting how a fictious comic can affect us so strongly at times. When I saw Bull and Linda bringing home their (Asian/adopted) daughter, I cheered and whooped and rejoiced as if they were my own frends! When Lisa was dying, I shed tears every day. I mourned for her, and for her husband and family... even for myself, sorrows past and the inevitable sorrows to come.

Something about the medium creates a space for us to tap into deeper feelings. Even if it's not personally connected to us, much less "real," the themes are meaningful, showing us universal joys and sorrows.

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Regarding The Long Wait, I saw this wonderful statement from Penguin on Rumor Queen. Sometimes people can be really thoughtless about questioning our wait. It's hard to respond appropriately when we ourselves are having a hard time with that same long wait! It's good to have postive models for responding, so thank you Penguin.

She says, Quote:

When people ask questions or make statements that intentionally or unintentionally undermine our commitment to our second adoption, we say, "As you can imagine, the long wait is very disappointing to us, so we could use all of the encouragement and support you could possibly muster to support us during this difficult time. Thank you for any kind thoughts you have." I think most people don't know how we feel and once given a bit of direction, provide a ton of support.


Yea, penguin! :) No doubt, I will have opportunity to use that line of response...

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Grace of State of Grace asked recently, "So, I ask you, mah dollins, what keeps you going?" Hmmm. What does keep me going? Especially with my tendancy to discouragement. My response:


My Sweetie for sure. But for those occasions when that's not working, it comes down to putting one foot in front of the other, and feeling myself as one small piece of an unimaginably immense pattern, knowing I can't fall out of the pattern.

Also, feeling that I can help and encourage people in the world--as a teacher, mostly. I'm told it's a gift, but it's as much for me. If all else fails, music will comfort me, keep me grounded and help me release fear and move forward.

... I suppose that's true with everything in my life...

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