Favorite Distractions and Meta Blogging

I hardly know what to do with myself recently. Not that *that* is especailly uncommon, but I have a lot knocking around in my head.

I'm not doing that great in either of my classes, although I enjoy them. Sometimes the amount of information is overwhelming. I can see how it all fits together, and I can relate to that feeling of flying when it all comes together, but I'm not there yet, myself. I can do it in my other work, and I love it. In this new area, I'm still trying to get up to speed, or at least out of 2nd gear.

I sometimes take a long time to really get comfortable with new information. I currently feel I am being thrown into an amorphous situation in which I am asked to do more than I can figure out. Or rather, without more concrete parameters. I'm sure many people in a similar situation would have no idea what I am talking about! However, for me, my need for clear organization (and wanting to get it right) is really slowing me down. For example, being asked to come up with a lesson plan for some abstract class is just killing me. I brainstorm and come up with enough information to make 5 different levels! Yet I then have a hard time "deciding" what to program for because I don't have an actual class to work with and try things out on (unlike in my other work).

I am thinking to throw myself into a volunteer opportunity to make things more concrete for me. I actually learn better by *doing*, but I need the space to do something without my performance being explicitly judged, because then I just freeze up and don't want to risk exposing myself as imperfect.... *sigh* It's an unfortunate inheritance from my perfectionist parents!

So there's a volunteer opportunity which --on top of classes and all--would max out my weekday evenings for the next several months. But! I'm excited about it, too. I can learn only so much in my classes. I need real people to work with. I am trying to push myself to make progress here.... *ugh* So it's not my best situation, although I love the variety of other students in my classes.

Meanwhile, I've been distracted by other things.

* * * * * * *

It's only another few weeks before we go on our big backpacking trip. Without going into identifying details--hehe :) --I can say it's probably a once-in-a-lifetime event. We will certainly go backpacking again, but this particular trip takes so much effort--physical, financial, investment of preparation and time--that it may not happen again in the next decade if ever...

Anyhoo, my sister and I have been training for this the last several months. She's more out of shape and the least-experienced of any of us, so I have been working to help her become acclimated to the back-packing experience. It's actually been fun. Tonight or this evening, she, my Dad and I all went out for a hike together before dusk, while M stayed home and worked on his ever-present pile of work.

Today I remembered to bring our bathroom scale so we could all check the weight on our packs. We were all at about 30-35 lbs. That's 10 lbs. more than I want to carry on the trail, but tonight I had both our new tent and the new sleeping bag, when in practice, my husband carries the bags and cooking gear, and I carry the tent and extra fleece clothing. So when I first put the pack on tonight, I was like--OMG! But after 10 minutes of walking, my body adjusted enough that I forgot all about how heavy it was. I love it how my body does that. That adjustment happens every time I backpack. Then when I put on the pack, my body almost welcomes it. The pack is well broken in, so it rides comfortably and it's a familiar load... Even the usual hip bruises feel familiar.

Honestly, I feel pretty good. I've been carrying various weight loads for various miles throughout training. I don't feel achy afterwards or the next day. Tired, yes, and maybe a little sore in the feet or hips (sometimes shoulders, but the hips carry most of the weight), but achy and painful... eh, not really. In fact, I recently feel somehow "lighter" and physically more "alert" and lively. It's hard to describe, but I notice it now.

And on a similar note, I noticed this week that --amazingly enough -- my belly is getting smaller and my thighs are getting slimmer. I thought I was imagining things at first. M has been very encouraging. He reminds me that he also has to work, work, work for a while on his fitness without any apparent change, and then all of a sudden, things look and feel different.

I would love to get back to my college weight, back from when I could eat anything and still look like my cute skinny self (haha!). I'm assuming that won't happen, seeing as I really love my little truck, but I'm starting to dream that I'll get away from my relatively sedentary self I've become. Now that I'm not sitting in front of the computer for 12 hours a day and all that...

* * * * * * *

I'm also still distracted by my current work/love. I just love, love, love it! It's unfortunately virtually impossible to scrape together a living at it (and/or without traveling way more than I want to be away from home and M), but I still love it. I love helping people and helping them accomplish things while having fun. But meanwhile, when I try to work on other projects, it's calling me subliminally! I'm always looking at new material or practicing another presentation or looking for new gigs to undertake... And there is always more to learn and improve and/or speculate with my similarly-minded geek friends! So it's an perpetual distraction! :)


I also love my list of blog reads. I know, I don't have anything up on the blog. I had some once upon a time, and when I switched blogger accounts, that all went away, and I've been too lazy to even try to recreate it! But I have a great list of blogs and sites that I check in with daily, weekly or periodically. It's fun to run across people who write well, humorously and authentically and who make me laugh and make me think, inspire me and sometimes provoke me. I like sharing the small slice of their life and thoughts that they put out there for the rest of us. I like being exposed to different viewpoints, even if sometimes totally new and potentially uncomfortable. I read from other adoptive moms and dads, birth mothers, bloggers from various identities and life experiences. It gives me a lot to think about and process. On some issues such as birth and identity politics, I don't force myself to even decide what I think; I let things percolate for a while. Sometimes I read for sheer unproductive entertainment value, because somebody is just too funny. I feel for people undergoing challenging and painful times; I've been there myself at various times.

Recently, I've been searching for new readings, new finds. I go exploring and see who's out there. I put some new links in my bookmarks and try them out for a while. Some of them turn into keepers and favorites. I try to comment periodically, if I feel like I have something--anything!--worth saying!

I've lucked into a good streak of finding neat and interesting women bloggers recently. Most of them do not have one particular issue or topic that they fixate on (not that there's anything wrong with that! :)) but write about their lives with, of course, their predominant interests. I bask in their writing. ... Hmm I wonder if I need more women friends of this nature... I mean, more friends IRL (in real life).

... I've also been thinking about blogging and how some people manage to let a lot of their lives hang out--not in a bad way, but letting us see more of them. I always struggle with that because I am both expressive and private. I want to spill it all and then constantly rein myself back in. Haha! You can imagine my internal dialogues when I blog. So far, I've been blogging mostly about our adoption process. The blog has been a place to vent, or to note aggravations and triumphs along the way since it's so frustrating to try to talk to friends IRL about much of this.

I have been so inspired by some recent bloggers that I want to try talking more outside the adoption box. So I'm trying out the idea of revealing more of myself without outing my identity on the internet. To be more authentic and more multi-dimentional. Yeah, good luck with that, I tell myself. :) Well, it's a start. Thanks for listening.

* * * * * * *

Tiny Details and Larger Themes

The other birth certificate came back from the New York Chinese Embassy. This seal is a fancy silver & holographic seal on a small green form pasted to the back of the certificate. Very sharp-looking. The other one from Chicago added a separate page with red stamps. More "traditional" looking with all the red if you know what I mean. Interesting to see how the authentications differ from embassy to embassy.

The final copy of our homestudy finally arrived late last week, with a copy of what was sent to the CIS office, and two copies of the dossier country report, one for the dossier and an additional copy.

Of course, there were a few details that grabbed my attention and made me wonder whether we should worry about them. My philosophy is if we need to worry about doing something, we should get it done NOW!

So of course I had to contact my placing agency to see what was going on. I really don't bug them that often. This is only the second time I have contacted them about *anything* in the dossier process, but it is always some picky little detail that I don't quite believe in the documentation. In this case, I had to ask about some little detail showing up in our homestudy, but not being required in a separate report. It's been drilled into my head how important it is to have the homestudy and documentation match, and here was this errant detail that had no supporting report at all!! This was after we had been told we didn't need a separate report by our homestudy agency, blah-blah-blah :) So of course, I was like: whaaaa?

No doubt this was another instance of conflicting information that messes with my head...

... Such as the *additional* issue about whether the notary's commission expirations date needed to be good at the time that the match is made. The homestudy notary has barely a year before her commission expires, so naturally I was anxious, I mean, concerned. hehe

But when I called my dossier contact, she said neither of those issues were a problem. Being the picky, detailed-obsessed person that I am, I asked again for confirmation about the notary commission expirations, asking really, because I had heard that could be a problem. At THAT, she gave a sigh like she had had to answer to this question way more often than she'd like and said, "That's an unfortunate rumor." Paradoxically, that was convincing enough to reassure me that she wasn't holding out on something I should worry about! lol

Boy, did I feel like an idiot, though. I'm also a little disappointed. I was hoping for a little more hand-holding in the process. I am mostly very self sufficient, making lists and coordinating the various documents comings and goings like air traffic control. It's only on these little details that worry me, and then I need a live person to tell me that it's really, truly okay, that I've done exactly what I need to do.

So now that THAT's officially A-Okay (and my contact thinks I'm a flake), we sent off the homestudy and new document on their rounds together, (kee hee!) like the big sister taking care of the little sister. Wheee! If we are lucky, that will come back in time to get sent to DC this week, and then we *wait* until Ms Rice comes home to sign more documents... and then send them out to the next embassy in line and *wait* some more.... *whew* It is rather exhausting at times.

* * * * * *

Last week, I met my mother for lunch and had a good visit. I was telling her about the current state of the paperwork process, and about the list of blog posts on "Why China" which she was also curious about. I ended up telling her more about our decision-making process (which I will write up at some point), and even about the length of time (years) we had spent trying various other options, mostly medical.

I have to admit, I sometimes bludgeon people a little with black humor and gory detail if they get too breezy about our trials. If they want to dismiss all of OUR pain, yes, I CAN share details of loss and medical procedures and injectables and such--to help THEM feel a little part of our pain. Then they tend to think oops! Maybe it wasn't so easy afterall. Doing my small part of educate others. :) heheh

Of course, I have gained enough distance from those traumatic times to use them as a defensive weapon if necessary, to laugh and make jokes about what we went through. If I make somebody wince, I am not that sorry. Maybe they will be more sensitive to stepping where they don't belong. Cold of me, huh? Okay, I do try to be subtle about it, but the impulse to be blunt IS there. I am not obvious in my guilt trips. I am matter of fact, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes that does feel blunt.

Anyway, I was rather blasé about needles and such. After a while, my mother mused that she had not realized until some of our conversation this Christmas how much we had "gone through" before we pursued adoption. Not that we should share all the personal details, she hastily added. I'm taking that as a chagrined admission that she has not always been as sensitive to our situation as she might have been. No, not really. I mean, she was acknowledging that there was more to our process than she had been privy too. That we had good reasons for doing what we do, and she respected that.

Overall, it was a good conversation.

* * * * * *

On a completely different note, last weekend was chock-full of performance and success, acknowledgment and new opportunities opening up. I have no end point plotted out on this particular path, but I love what I'm doing! It's so satisfying that I will keep following it and see where it goes as long as its working. It's too self-identifying to speak about in detail here, but it works so well with my personality and aptitudes that it would be painful to NOT pursue it at this point.

Even my new variation on teaching will be quite interesting. The director of the program I'm soon starting asked me what I wanted to do with the certificate. I laughed and said I don't know! Maybe this possibility x, maybe that possibility y, maybe both or something altogether different. Maybe it will not work at all, but it has been calling to me, and so I owe it myself to explore the possibility. See where it leads me...

K has been leading me to think of the creative process again. Cool stuff. As the saying goes: ... dance like nobody's watching... For me, I add: live like your whole life is a work of art. It's not pretty like some art. Well, some of it is. Some of it makes friends and family say Wow! But most of it is messier and more fluid than others are sometimes happy with. But it does not help it develop if I try to cut it down to size to fit inside a particular box or frame. Living OUTside the frame, yeah. Being open to the flow and see where it leads me.

* * * * * *

Embracing Housewifery

"Hi I'm Marie, and I'm a housewife."

I've been embracing my house wifery in the last several months. Partly it's because I'm tired of justifying what I do and don't do. It's nobody's business how much money we make (except, of course, our adoption agencies and oh yeah, the tax people) or how fulfilling my serial, complex career has been. So rather than making vague answers to that question "what do you do?," I come right out and say "not much!" or "I'm a housewife" or, depending on how I'm feeling, I'll explain my recent trajectory of educational/design projects. I like my projects; I just don't feel it necessary to justify my existence or use of time that way.

But if I don't feel like giving a history (which admittedly can be interesting), I'll just cut straight to the chase. The secret to this is that I am cheerful about it. I announce it with a smile and get it out of the way without a fuss. Only the most obnoxious dare say anything about the income. Or look down their noses at me because I am not working full time. And those people are also surprised to find that we have a nice life without me working full-time. Because, you know, we are thrifty people with live-small values. We like our life together.

Taking on the label of a housewife (for however long until I am sick of it) frees me up to do all kinds of things. Less guilt, more productivity. :) So I have my self-imposed list of tasks. I get stuff done, both around the house and on my own projects. My husband is very supportive. And actually, I am the one who does more housework these days. But hey, my husband is bringing in the big bucks (lol), so the least I can do is sweep the floor occasionally. But I *like* sweeping the floor and cleaning various things; there is satisfaction in that, as I have blogged about elsewhere.

The big issue underpinning my current housewife status is that I have put off *numerous* career moves because I have (had) thought for the past oh... 4+ freakin' years(!!) was that I would become a Mom any day now. yeah. So I've left a big space in my life to be a SAHM. Except, I don't have a baby to justify my SAH existence. Which has been frustrating, in fact at times, excruciating. Not that I mind staying home more, but where is my baby? That's been very hard. I could have had my second child by now if things had gone according to plan. ha, yes, plan.

Now that we have gotten into the long process to Baby (adopting from China), I am more relaxed about being home. Another two years? eh... uh... ack! I mean, no problem! :) I do feel at the end of all of it, I will have my baby to love.

I don't *like* the wait extending; sometimes I want to cry over how long we have been wanting a child. But on the positive side, I have a year or two (or three) to pursue shorter-term projects, of which I have several already in the works. I'm excited about having that time as a "last fling" of sorts before Impending Motherhood. Of course, I have been fooled before. See previous 4+ years. Which has taught me that if there's something I really want to do, I should go do it rather than wait. So I'm using this time in a positive light.

And besides, we have major work on the house and household to be ready for a baby/toddler. And besides, as my husband has pointed out, we probably would have been nowhere near this far along in our paperchase if I *had* been working full-time. So I am house-wife-ing away, working full-time on house and paperchase and my various cool projects. If I have to wait, I might as well enjoy it somehow.