Looking Like/Unlike

Between doses of cold medicine, soup, and chocolate, I managed to put this down today... Maybe it makes some sense.

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Liana at Welcome to the Dollhouse has an interesting post earlier this month musing over how people tended to say her adoptive daughter looked so much like her. She is black, her husband is white, and her daughter is considered mixed, and also happens to be adopted. So there are all kinds of reaction that could be going on there.

Commenting on a child's likeness to family members... is it veiled prejudice or awkward small talk or what? There doesn't seem to be an easy take on that.

Sometimes we do get vibes from other people that they are uncomfortable or downright hostile to our combination of family/racial mix or whatever. Those questioners feel very uncomfortable and on some level want to make us uncomfortable about our choices or about who we are. In that case, I don't have any qualms about issuing a smack down or freezing them out as needed.

True, one sometimes runs into the clueless, as did one poster on RQ recently who was chased through an airport by a teen and her mother crowing how cuuuuuute her daughter was to the point of being uncomfortably objectifying. What was her remark, again? "My daughter is not a puppy!" heh Too right.

Objectifying anybody for any reason is objectionable. As if any one characteristic could represent the whole person. Even a beautiful woman may not appreciate having her obvious beauty drowning out her other talents. People are more than their faces, physical characteristics, or racial backgrounds, one way or another.

I didn't ask to be made this way, even if it looks sometimes looks attractive, so for me, it's part of my persona in the world, but mostly incidental to who I am as a person.



Anyway... What really came up for me while reading her post was the way people used to remark on my family when I was growing up.

As I've said before, I have striking coloring. I had any number of friends and strangers remarking on it. The attention was mostly favorable, but it was a little odd. I didn't look obviously like my parents since the coloring feature drowned out other similarities. I got so many people asking me (in cutesy or admiring tones) "where did you get your lovely___??" that my mother taught me to say, "I got it from my dad's ___." I think she heard a bit of a jab in some of those remarks, so my response would gently point out that I was actually related to them. And in my extended family, it's true this coloring is not at all unusual; it just wasn't present in my immediate family that most people saw.

Now I wonder if my Mom was uncomfortable with friends and strangers implying that I was not my father's child, and was trying to head that off. Of course, in the process, she also squelched any hint that I might consider myself attractive, but that's another story. Maybe she thought she was trying to protect us from judging ourselves on looks alone.

When I got older, the more common remark has become "you look JUST like" so-n-so. "Let me guess," I say, they have "____" coloring feature. I try not to be too sarcastic, but the odds are great that its the ONLY feature I have in common with this so-n-so. I've even had people mistake me for some other person who looks NOTHING like me except for that x feature. It's a permanently annoying aspect of my existence.

Occasionally, there will be a deeper similarity. My old college roommate and I looked similar enough that college friends called us "twins." But it wasn't facial features or anything. It was a hint of coloring, plus body type, plus a goofy sense of personality and humor. Once she got a perm that made her hair poof out, and I thought it hysterically amusing how she looked *that much more* like me. :D

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But anyway, the strange thing in our family is that myself and my sisters look so different from each other and our parents. Through some wild and crazy genetic mix, we each have different coloring, hair texture and facial shape. We used to sometimes get people who would accuse us of lying that we were sisters! You can imagine how annoying this can be-- people who knew nothing about our family trying to rearrange the truth to suit their limited sense of the world!

For those people who insist that families should "match," I say, "meh!" They don't know the complexity of human genes and human connections.

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If you know where to look, you know that my middle sister and I look more like two different grandmothers on opposite sides of the gene stream. She's also very striking, my sister, but she has a whole different look.

We do have emotional similarities. We are locked tight together like pieces of a puzzle, despite sometimes locking uncomfortably closely, or with little knobs that catch or grind on our connection. We used to write letters to each other when we were away at school. Long, rambling letters that touched on our frustrations, our passions, the curiosity, the need to know, to organize, to connect... We are keyed into a similar sensibility. We are literary, questioning, creative, wounded, strong, appreciative, expressive.... We functioned as undeclared best friends back then, intuitively understanding each other from our shared background. We are still alike in so many ways, but not in our looks.


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I think we are keyed from an evolutionary standpoint, to search for similarities and likenesses. You know how the human brain can discern patterns lightening fast. So if people are related (and even if they are not), we look for similarities.

I used to search photographs of myself and relatives looking for similarities. The source of my hands and frame is dead easy, but what about my eyes? My nose? From where did I acquire that funky little cleft? The occasional dimple? My tendency towards IF? My artistic tendencies? Yes, where DID I get my unusual eyes? Or for that matter, where did my sister get *her* amazing eyes, those brilliant deep blues that capture us all? It's a mystery; there's no direct lineage marker; knowing my genetic ancestors does not help clarify the answers.

Once I saw a graduation picture of myself, and I suddenly saw my long-dead grandmother in me... the one that I don't resemble was suddenly rising to the surface. I was both startled and thrilled. I AM my mother's mother's child.

My husband, now, I can see the aspects of his mother, his dad. I love seeing how my nieces and nephews have a combination of this person's eyes and that person's smile.

My BIL's brother adopted a little girl from China. I've never met her or him, but when I saw her pictures, I was struck by the similarity of expression. There were those family eyebrows, placed high as if in perpetual question or surprise--it was there in her face, I tell you! I didn't say anything because they would think it was silly.... a relative stranger pointing out an "impossible" resemblance. I just keep it to myself, a small delight that the matchers picked up on something that went together...


So what if we search for similarities? It's like working a puzzle, looking for evidence of our connections. And isn't family all about connections? What makes family, family, and not just good friends or bad acquaintances? (Oh, but that's another post!)

It seems to be that similarities are part of the glue that binds us together, whether those similarities are visible or not... and part of our inheritance, too, whether genetic, emotional or from the box labeled "other."

It seems like a grand mystery to me. Cue the sweep of violins!

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the family rub!ks cube

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It's interesting, reconnecting with cousins and family that I have not talked with in years. Family shifts in the last couple years have made some of us look at each other with new interest outside of our habitual typical connections. It's completely unexpected but invigorating too.

Some of the old patterns lurk in the background with the potential to trip us up, but wow, there is so much possibility. We are adults now, with experiences and perspectives that let us rise above childhood petty needs.

We are still testing each other out in some ways... I hear echoes of other generational issues sometimes. Mostly though, what stands out is how we have broken through some of the old crap that kept us apart now that older members of the family (whether through death or aging) have lost the old controlling grip on what we think and feel about each other. Or maybe we are simply learning to know each other as adults. Instead of playing out old patterns from our parents, we are making new ones, improvising a new relationship.

I am interested to see how I click with relatives I never thought of as friends before. And conversely, some of the people I was closest to early in my life have receded in importance, mostly through personality and philosophical differences. Toss it all up in the air, and it all rearranges.

Relationship improvisation. It's way cool...

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Seeing a pile of children, a new set of cousins, tumble and play on the same floors where we used to play, I couldn't help seeing with double vision the past overlaid with the present. Familiar voices drifted about. I kept expecting my aunt (recently passed away) and my Dad (not here this weekend) to walk into the room... and I caught myself looking around to see others not present.

Once, talking to the child of a cousin, I gestured to my uncle and referred to him as "grandpa," and had to pause for a second to get my chronological bearings! (My uncle actually is his grandpa.) What year is this again? I'm watching the years expand and contract simultaneously, refracting in all directions, and we're all caught in time, the same cycles and family connections over and over again. Whoa!

It used to be me, down there playing with my cousins, all of us. And now the generations have moved up a bit, and I'm in the middle generation. It feels kinda nice, actually. I enjoy being a relative to a new generation, one of the responsible adults who entertain and raise the younger ones. I enjoy being in this sea of family.

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...and not use all the parts of the buffallo...

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Happy happy Thanksgiving to you all. May you be enjoying good food (pie!) and the fellowship of family and friends. I've been thinking of those of you (some of you my own relatives) who have been facing this holiday as the first Thanksgiving without a loved one. And wishing you comfort. And pie, of course. At least there's pie.


I am thankful for relatives within traveling distance, and that we can still share the details of our lives in a meaningful way.

I'm thankful that we are relatively healthy and mostly aging well.

I'm thankful for my nieces and nephews--giving me the opportunity to hold a special place in their lives and to pass on my hard-won wisdom and family goofiness.

I'm thankful for my SIL and that we have become friends over the years, trusting each other with sensitive details of our lives.

I'm thankful for games in which we get so silly that we all start laughing helplessly until we are gasping and crying--and that such moments come especially for those who could use the rare occasion to laugh these days.

I'm thankful for meals in which so many contribute--the people who grow and harvest the food, the earth that supports us all, the people who bought and prepared and cooked, arranged the food, and brought it to the table for us all to savor.

I'm thankful for the Internet which keeps me closer to friends and family despite physical distance.

I'm thankful for my husband, a most intelligent and compassionate and loving person.

I'm thankful that I can see and hear and touch and taste and sense the world.

I'm thankful I decided to blog more to stretch myself and connect more with other bloggers.

I'm thankful for my Flickr peeps and my blogger contacts.

I'm thankful for my real life friends who make a huge heart of a community. I just love that...

I'm so grateful I have my fingers and voice and body and face with which to express myself.

I have my home (when so many do not).
I have my love (when so many are lonely).
I have good food (when so many are hungry).
I have my family (when so many are estranged).
I live in peace (when so many live in war--some of it our fault, eh?).
I live in the US with all its greatness and flaws, short-comings and ideals.
I am alive (when so many are no more).

I might have left some out...

I am alive. I think that about covers it. :)

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On a lighter note, I bring you...a Thanksgiving comic from the PVP online comic:

A PVP Thanksgiving

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Posting from the Road

I am posting from a borrowed laptop, so pleases excuse my funky typing.


My oldest niece is of the age that people started asking her about her college plans. Well, she still has to take the SAT (arrgh, arrgh, she says), and she doesn't know where she wants to go or what she wants to do... I took the opportunity to do the auntie thing and give her aunt-advice.

College is so discipline oriented, meaning you decide on the discipline you want to study and spend four + years becoming an expert in THAT. But the real world is multi-disciplinary. It's usually after you get out of college and into the real world that you discover what you might actually enjoy doing and the skills that give you the most satisfaction using. There's a big difference (or there can be) between a major subject and the application of that subject in the real world. And ones idea of what a subject "means" or how it is applied can be very skewed. My own ideas were very simplistic. My friends also thought of their majors fairly simplistically. You performed or your taught or you were the artist, but nobody thinks of being a consultant to a museum, for instance... Kids approaching college plans do not usually think of these kinds of complex applications.. and by extenstion, where their degree might actually take them.

I have started to think that experience is the real teacher. how can we really know what we want to do without trying a few things? ...I had to restrain myself from telling her that it might be good to hold off college for a few years, work, live (oh yeah, must get that drivers license first), and see what things really pull you to know more, do more, be the person you want to be... Well, I did not tell her to go into the Peace Corp--my SIL would probably kill me-- I fully expect that the pressures to go to college and get a degree will not go away. Right now, she is using a process of elimination. She doesn't like math, she doesn't want to teach, she doesn't want to get a liberal arts degree only to be qualified for nothing but teaching... (that may be my BIL talking).

It's an interesting question: how do you figure out what you want to do and what you need education/training for. It's a process, I tell her. We tell her, she's ahead of the game for exploring and not yet knowing... we shall see.

Fright

Last week, we finally got some rain. More than just a little drizzle; a whole two-three days of washing, drenching rain. After weeks and months of drought, it was absolutely wonderful. A little slick after those months of no rain, but tolerable.

Some days later, I heard about my sister's accident. She had been on her way to work, flying down a four lane county highway in the middle of one of those downpours when she hit a rise and went airborne. My heart about stopped to hear my husband's voice when he reacted to this news on the phone. Then I relaxed a little because I could hear in his voice that it wasn't as tragic as it could have been.

She went airborne, she said, and off the road and down a 5 foot embankment. Thank god the car was still pointed forward.

It's a complete miracle that she missed the telephone pole that was in her path. (I think my heart just stopped again imagining it.) Although she was out of control, she was somehow able to wrench the steering wheel enough to miss the looming deathtrap and go flying down another 80 feet or so, coming to rest on the muddy grassy roadside... It's an additional miracle because trying to effectively steer on a slippery grassy surface is a slim hope indeed.

I've had my unfortunate share of slow-motion oh-shit incidences, the last, worst, one ten years ago. As she was telling me about the telephone pole, I could see it in my mind... the moment when you realize you've made a serious miscalculation, the scariness of the near miss, the looming, the rattling and jolting as you fight for control as the grass, brush, poles and your life slashes by, probably in slow-motion as these things tend to go. Even the tow-truck driver remarked on her luckiness. Luckiness as far as these things go, that is. No other vehicle was involved. The car is little rattled up and needs work, but she's fine.

But. She's been doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching since then. How much she's driving to work... the way the family has to travel... her whole life flashing before her eyes... what she should have, might have, could have done. She didn't say so, but I thought of the potential for leaving her family ripped to shreds by her loss, and it makes it hard to breathe.

This week, I don't have to go to a haunted house to get a serious fright. All I have to do is think of my young niece ever losing her mother and what that would do to that little girl we love... I just turn cold inside.

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Tiny Details and Larger Themes

The other birth certificate came back from the New York Chinese Embassy. This seal is a fancy silver & holographic seal on a small green form pasted to the back of the certificate. Very sharp-looking. The other one from Chicago added a separate page with red stamps. More "traditional" looking with all the red if you know what I mean. Interesting to see how the authentications differ from embassy to embassy.

The final copy of our homestudy finally arrived late last week, with a copy of what was sent to the CIS office, and two copies of the dossier country report, one for the dossier and an additional copy.

Of course, there were a few details that grabbed my attention and made me wonder whether we should worry about them. My philosophy is if we need to worry about doing something, we should get it done NOW!

So of course I had to contact my placing agency to see what was going on. I really don't bug them that often. This is only the second time I have contacted them about *anything* in the dossier process, but it is always some picky little detail that I don't quite believe in the documentation. In this case, I had to ask about some little detail showing up in our homestudy, but not being required in a separate report. It's been drilled into my head how important it is to have the homestudy and documentation match, and here was this errant detail that had no supporting report at all!! This was after we had been told we didn't need a separate report by our homestudy agency, blah-blah-blah :) So of course, I was like: whaaaa?

No doubt this was another instance of conflicting information that messes with my head...

... Such as the *additional* issue about whether the notary's commission expirations date needed to be good at the time that the match is made. The homestudy notary has barely a year before her commission expires, so naturally I was anxious, I mean, concerned. hehe

But when I called my dossier contact, she said neither of those issues were a problem. Being the picky, detailed-obsessed person that I am, I asked again for confirmation about the notary commission expirations, asking really, because I had heard that could be a problem. At THAT, she gave a sigh like she had had to answer to this question way more often than she'd like and said, "That's an unfortunate rumor." Paradoxically, that was convincing enough to reassure me that she wasn't holding out on something I should worry about! lol

Boy, did I feel like an idiot, though. I'm also a little disappointed. I was hoping for a little more hand-holding in the process. I am mostly very self sufficient, making lists and coordinating the various documents comings and goings like air traffic control. It's only on these little details that worry me, and then I need a live person to tell me that it's really, truly okay, that I've done exactly what I need to do.

So now that THAT's officially A-Okay (and my contact thinks I'm a flake), we sent off the homestudy and new document on their rounds together, (kee hee!) like the big sister taking care of the little sister. Wheee! If we are lucky, that will come back in time to get sent to DC this week, and then we *wait* until Ms Rice comes home to sign more documents... and then send them out to the next embassy in line and *wait* some more.... *whew* It is rather exhausting at times.

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Last week, I met my mother for lunch and had a good visit. I was telling her about the current state of the paperwork process, and about the list of blog posts on "Why China" which she was also curious about. I ended up telling her more about our decision-making process (which I will write up at some point), and even about the length of time (years) we had spent trying various other options, mostly medical.

I have to admit, I sometimes bludgeon people a little with black humor and gory detail if they get too breezy about our trials. If they want to dismiss all of OUR pain, yes, I CAN share details of loss and medical procedures and injectables and such--to help THEM feel a little part of our pain. Then they tend to think oops! Maybe it wasn't so easy afterall. Doing my small part of educate others. :) heheh

Of course, I have gained enough distance from those traumatic times to use them as a defensive weapon if necessary, to laugh and make jokes about what we went through. If I make somebody wince, I am not that sorry. Maybe they will be more sensitive to stepping where they don't belong. Cold of me, huh? Okay, I do try to be subtle about it, but the impulse to be blunt IS there. I am not obvious in my guilt trips. I am matter of fact, which is how I prefer it, but sometimes that does feel blunt.

Anyway, I was rather blasé about needles and such. After a while, my mother mused that she had not realized until some of our conversation this Christmas how much we had "gone through" before we pursued adoption. Not that we should share all the personal details, she hastily added. I'm taking that as a chagrined admission that she has not always been as sensitive to our situation as she might have been. No, not really. I mean, she was acknowledging that there was more to our process than she had been privy too. That we had good reasons for doing what we do, and she respected that.

Overall, it was a good conversation.

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On a completely different note, last weekend was chock-full of performance and success, acknowledgment and new opportunities opening up. I have no end point plotted out on this particular path, but I love what I'm doing! It's so satisfying that I will keep following it and see where it goes as long as its working. It's too self-identifying to speak about in detail here, but it works so well with my personality and aptitudes that it would be painful to NOT pursue it at this point.

Even my new variation on teaching will be quite interesting. The director of the program I'm soon starting asked me what I wanted to do with the certificate. I laughed and said I don't know! Maybe this possibility x, maybe that possibility y, maybe both or something altogether different. Maybe it will not work at all, but it has been calling to me, and so I owe it myself to explore the possibility. See where it leads me...

K has been leading me to think of the creative process again. Cool stuff. As the saying goes: ... dance like nobody's watching... For me, I add: live like your whole life is a work of art. It's not pretty like some art. Well, some of it is. Some of it makes friends and family say Wow! But most of it is messier and more fluid than others are sometimes happy with. But it does not help it develop if I try to cut it down to size to fit inside a particular box or frame. Living OUTside the frame, yeah. Being open to the flow and see where it leads me.

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Embracing Housewifery

"Hi I'm Marie, and I'm a housewife."

I've been embracing my house wifery in the last several months. Partly it's because I'm tired of justifying what I do and don't do. It's nobody's business how much money we make (except, of course, our adoption agencies and oh yeah, the tax people) or how fulfilling my serial, complex career has been. So rather than making vague answers to that question "what do you do?," I come right out and say "not much!" or "I'm a housewife" or, depending on how I'm feeling, I'll explain my recent trajectory of educational/design projects. I like my projects; I just don't feel it necessary to justify my existence or use of time that way.

But if I don't feel like giving a history (which admittedly can be interesting), I'll just cut straight to the chase. The secret to this is that I am cheerful about it. I announce it with a smile and get it out of the way without a fuss. Only the most obnoxious dare say anything about the income. Or look down their noses at me because I am not working full time. And those people are also surprised to find that we have a nice life without me working full-time. Because, you know, we are thrifty people with live-small values. We like our life together.

Taking on the label of a housewife (for however long until I am sick of it) frees me up to do all kinds of things. Less guilt, more productivity. :) So I have my self-imposed list of tasks. I get stuff done, both around the house and on my own projects. My husband is very supportive. And actually, I am the one who does more housework these days. But hey, my husband is bringing in the big bucks (lol), so the least I can do is sweep the floor occasionally. But I *like* sweeping the floor and cleaning various things; there is satisfaction in that, as I have blogged about elsewhere.

The big issue underpinning my current housewife status is that I have put off *numerous* career moves because I have (had) thought for the past oh... 4+ freakin' years(!!) was that I would become a Mom any day now. yeah. So I've left a big space in my life to be a SAHM. Except, I don't have a baby to justify my SAH existence. Which has been frustrating, in fact at times, excruciating. Not that I mind staying home more, but where is my baby? That's been very hard. I could have had my second child by now if things had gone according to plan. ha, yes, plan.

Now that we have gotten into the long process to Baby (adopting from China), I am more relaxed about being home. Another two years? eh... uh... ack! I mean, no problem! :) I do feel at the end of all of it, I will have my baby to love.

I don't *like* the wait extending; sometimes I want to cry over how long we have been wanting a child. But on the positive side, I have a year or two (or three) to pursue shorter-term projects, of which I have several already in the works. I'm excited about having that time as a "last fling" of sorts before Impending Motherhood. Of course, I have been fooled before. See previous 4+ years. Which has taught me that if there's something I really want to do, I should go do it rather than wait. So I'm using this time in a positive light.

And besides, we have major work on the house and household to be ready for a baby/toddler. And besides, as my husband has pointed out, we probably would have been nowhere near this far along in our paperchase if I *had* been working full-time. So I am house-wife-ing away, working full-time on house and paperchase and my various cool projects. If I have to wait, I might as well enjoy it somehow.

Suppressing glee *now stop that!*

We had a great Christmas with family, including with our little niece, who is not old enough to understand the point of unwrapping presents, but old enough to enjoy the presents she gets.

My mother has already hit that *gleee!* stage about the adoption. I think it's brought on by how wonderful my niece is. Twice, my mother has said: "...and I'm looking forward to *another* one!!!!!!!"
Yes, with all those exclamation marks; you know I come by that honestly.

The first time I just said that yeah, we are looking forward to it too, but it was going to be a while.

The second time, I was worried that she was getting so worked up. I told her that I was glad she's excited, but it's going to be at least two years, probably three before she gets a Christmas with our little girl. 2007, 2008, Yup, probably not 'til Christmas 2009, I said.

She looked momentarily distracted by that information but refused to be dampened. "You never know...!!!!" *twinkle twinkle*

At that point, M stepped in and stated it very matter of factly. "No, it'll be at least two years. You should get used to that idea."

That dampened her.

* * * *
I feel bad that we are in a position of squelching her natural excitement at the thought of another granddaughter. I suppose it would not harm anything to let her carry on, except that after a few years of this, we would all be getting worn out with it.

I feel we have a relatively realistic perspective, and I don't want her or anyone else to think that this baby is just going to pop out in a year.

More to the point, I don't want her or anyone else crying from the back seat of the car-- Are We There Yet?? -- when we are nowhere near match time. So it's for BOTH our sakes. Yeah, that's it.

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On another note, we sent off all 14 documents to our Secretary of State's Office on Friday. According to the tracking system, they were delivered this morning. Yea!!! (So the offices ARE open this week.) If we are lucky, the packet with certifications will get sent out again tomorrow and we'll have them in our hands before New Years.

I also nagged, I mean asked, our placing agency what was up with the home study. We have never seen a final version of that, although we know that it must have been sent to the USCIS in order to generate our favorable determination. But they still have to write up a country report for our dossier. THEY haven't been open, so I also sent an email so our contact would get it as soon as she comes back in. I was trying to be polite and NOT say, "Where the hell is our home study, woman!!" heheh

I know that this is too soon to be gleeful about finishing the dossier, but we can feel the end is in sight.

I have been digging through our dossier instructions to see what the next step will be after we get all documents certified. I know the authentication comes next, but does a copy get reviewed by our agency first? Do we hire a courier to walk our packet in to the Chinese Embassy for translation, or, or does our agency do that for us?? I have gotten info from a variety of sources, so now that is probably confusing me a little. I should look at our official dossier guide to see what they recommend.

Well, if I don't *have* to send it over to the agency twice, I don't mind! I would be happy for our placing agency to take care of all of it! If that is actually true, we might be even closer to the finish than I thought. That would be lovely. Then I could start all those house projects that will occupy me for two years. :)

Actually, I am about to start classes for a slightly new career direction. I am excited about that. Something to take my mind off the dossier after it's logged in. And it will be done well before we are matched... I have at least two years to make inroads (experience) in at least two new directions. Boo-yeah!

Cozy as Winter Comes On

Talked to my sis in law. We are brainstorming a Thanksgiving feast that does not involve hours of cooking. Her usual chef in residence has to work that day, so she's decided she won't attempt a turkey without his help, although I offered to drag out my pre-vegetarian experience to stuff the ol' turkey. I could do it. But we decided to not bother so much. Less cooking, more games with the kids would be ideal.

My philosophy is to keep the foods and traditions that are most meaningful and to not worry about the rest. We decided to start a list. What do we *really* want to cook and eat?

So far, we have apple cake, pie, some kind of squash, mashed potatoes and gravy, pie, rice pilaf, and pie. Did I mention pie? Last year I did the whole mince pie thing (which I always do), but none of my in laws found it particularly compelling. Fine. There was plenty leftover for me to eat for breakfast lunch and dinner the way I/we usually do. Yum. But given that we are traveling, I am now thinking of what I can make ahead of time (rather than having to cook all day once I get there). Maybe I can precook the squash and mash it and *freeze* it for the trip up, then reconstitute in time for a hot casserole with pecans. That might work. Save the mince pie for Christmas this year. Or make some for upcoming potlucks... mmmm.... Distracted by thoughts of mince pie....

Where was I? Thinking about Thanksgiving. The truth is, I don't mind that slow tipping towards the end of the year and Winter Solstice. This is the time when the days shorten and our bodies slow down. It feels right to gather with friends and family, cook autumn feasts, and gather 'round the fire to toast our good fellowship, to slow down and contemplate even as the commercial frenzy ramps up. All of a sudden we have several gathering events this weekend marking turning points. A baby shower. A house warming. A bonfire and convivial gathering to celebrate the warmth of friendship against the gathering dark. All very cozy and wonderful.

So the Thanksgiving feast will probably include some archaic symbolism of reassuring ourselves of plenty as Winter comes on. Not that we can't get --good grief-- tomatoes and arugela at all months of the year, but sweet potatoes, nuts, roast grains, fall greens... These feed our physical psyche. The deep part of ourselves that craves that reassurance that We Are Ready For Winter. I've got my sweaters and furry slippers and pecans and some jazz on the radio. How about you?

Nearly Fall And All That Paperwork

Long time no blog. I've been busy, and obsessed with other things. Also, I've been somewhat discouraged by reports that the wait times in China are slowing down so much. Ack. I have been readjusting my expectations, but not happily. 2 years, plus. okay... I might have been less enthused about China if I had been aware of this before we'd sunk so munch money into the process, but we feel pained at giving up our dream of a little girl from China, so... we move onward.

Well, we have completed the homestudy visits. It wasn't bad. They kept encouraging us to eat dinner while we talked, to the degree that we started to feel that they wanted to *watch* us eat dinner to see what we would do! Ok, so we ate dinner! I was picking basil out of the garden for pesto when the social worker came up. I made pesto and tossed it with pasta and vegetables. Yes! Let me show off my womanly homemaking skills! lolol Too funny.

We did clean house, but we didn't get to clearing the baby's room (which we keep calling something else from its earlier days). I decided to just not worry about being super neat. Let's be realistic, here; we are not all that neat. The social worker just laughed when she saw the room. "Where are you going to put all this?" Sell, reorganize, redistribute. Worse case, we'll put it in the basement. She didn't even seem to notice the various annoying flaws of our old house. OK, we have no known hazards in the house. :) Plumbing functional, not too many dust mice it the house, etc.

But we haven't gotten word that the draft is back as expected. I am just assuming that if there was anything they objected to that she would have told us... Maybe that is an erroneous assumption. Maybe they would route a rejection through the agency. God! Something else to worry about! After I blabbed at boring length about my childhood and relations with my family, sisters, etc, I started to feel rather overexposed. Again, oh well! It's over and done, so I try to not waste energy worrying about it.

But in better news, we finally got our appointment to get fingerprinted in the big city next month. It's on an inopportune day for a variety of reasons, but I am glad my husband has proclaimed it a priority. Yes! We will go and do the thing!

Since my trip to New England last month, I have been immersed in other things. It's been hard to get my head back into the process. Just today, my husband asked what else we needed to do to progress with the paperwork. I had been wondering just how fast we would be progressing if I wasn't taking charge of so much of the organization, so I was gratified that he had started to be more present to the process. So we reviewed our list of items and tasks to complete, and he is motivated to work on the things within his range. It's more motivation for me, too, to restart tracking down all the little details. Oy! How this drags on!

On the other hand, we have time to do things like learn Chinese Mandarin. I was teaching some of what I know to M tonight on our walk. I am actually really happy that he is interested. After grades are in, he wants to look at books on China and adopting, etc. I am currently compiling to a list of books I want to read on adoption, parenting, transracial adopting, all of that. I don't want to have to buy them all (not wanting to spend money like we have gobs of it), but some of them might be worth it. Hopefully I can track down some of them in the library. Not that I want my name attached to records on this topic. (Hellooo record-trackers!) But again, oh well.

I have also been finding and reading yet more blogs on a variety of related topics. So much good writing out there! Maybe someday I will get my act together (and conquor shyness) to provide linkies to some of the blogs I most enjoy and admire.

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One weird story recently -- somebody at my sister's church had terrible news about a local family who had just internationally adopted two children, then ran into some tragic health news. That is just stunning enough, but my sister was thinking, well, what if they needed to give up their children? (She thought of us as possible parents to "step in" and be new parents. !! Ack!!) She was obliquely feeling them out on this idea. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the tragedy of the situation, much less even considering taking on their children! The last thing I want to do is snatch some poor people's babies away from them! Plus, if there were a real need, they would have already designated guardians. That's why they have the guardianship requirement, afterall.

Oh my God. I'm feeling rather embarassed that she would pursue this line of thought. I'm so glad we don't know this person however distantly. I can't honestly imagine that a parent would ever give up their new babies, and how awful for the babies, too! I would not want to "benefit" from somebody else's tragedy. ... Although, how far removed is it from the whole adoption scenario? Baby is abandoned, adoptive parents step in. I have mixed, mosly sad feelings about that too. I guess if there has to be sadness and grief, it's at least one positive step to have a stable loving home at the end of it. But it doesn't take away the grief of it.

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Ni hau ma? Wau hen hau, xia, xia.

My Mom says: maybe she is being conceived soon. But I say: No, she will be conceived next year. And then I have to wait for my baby to be abandoned by her first mother. How sad is that? Waiting for sadness, waiting for happiness. I want to wrap her up and cuddle her and keep her safe, to make her know how beautiful and special she is and that we will always love and cherish her. That we will never leave her. Who do I send this message to now? Some anonymous mother-to-be who will not want to keep her baby. I want to say: I'm so sorry. And: we will keep her safe.

Wau-duh bao bao. My treasure.